A Blog War to End All Blog Wars

I’ve seen ripped off works before.  Whether it was Avatar, Lady Gaga, or anything Dane Cook has ever said, I’ve seen rip offs.  But I’ve never seen a more blatant and horrifying case of stolen property than I have today.  Here I was all dandy on a sweet vacation just enjoying myself with womanly drinks and finger food, when I get a notification more horrendous than Rosie O’Donnell’s weight loss plan.  Some assholes made a carbon copy of our blog, but a grade-A douchebag version.  This egregious blog is an exact color-copy of ours, but much worse.  This egregious blog is the Mini-Me to our Doctor Evil.  This egregious blog is the 8 oz Coke Zero to our Olympic Special Edition Coke.  This egregious blog is their Milwaukee’s Best Light to our Keystone.  This egregious blog is Simple Jack to our Forest Gump.  This egregious blog is the Richmond to our UVA.  This egregious blog is a 9 month pregnant Jessica Simpson to our Kate Upton.  This egregious blog is their “Mike’s Masturbation Guide” to our Kama Sutra.  This egregious blog is a fucking hack blog, not to mention a complete rip-off, to our creative and genuine Under The Bleacher Report.  At least get your own goddamn look, I mean for the sake of God’s Green Earth, if you had a fragment of originality in any of your un-athletic bones you would have at least changed the fucking format.  I want a written apology from all of you jamokes.  On the upside of things, I always wanted to be in a war but never in the actually military, so now I get to take part in a blog war if that means anything.  It is a shame that our opponents write and form sentences at a 4^th grade level, have zero originality, and also have a deadly allergy to humor. I am not even going to report any sports news, so I guess that makes me Chris Berman. 

-Blaine Swaggert

Pretenders Introduction... Then Onto Matt Leinart's Beach Banger and more Linsanity

In anything, in any walk of life, there are going to be people that fail to own a single fiber of creativity, or self-worth.  These people leech onto productive and original bodies and proceed to suck the lifeblood out of everything that is worth doing.  Well people, these pretenders are sadly not excluded from the blog world.  Recently, the worst site on the internet was set up, a complete and utter clone of this one, but like 15x worse.  Like now I actually know how those weird Harvard twins felt when Zuckerberg stole their shit.  Seriously, this isn't the classic case of Coke vs. Pepsi.  This isn't even a case of Coke vs. RC Cola.  This is a case of the Coca-Cola company squaring off against a company that is manufacturing Horse Urine and saying that its competition.

You know who you are.  Every single thing that you wrote on that blog, I can trace the thought process of it back to UTBR.  How dare you?  Your blog is the ugly, half-retarded step child of my blog, and I won't stand for this invasion on my intellectual property.  If you want to read analysis about sports from a bunch of kids that didn't even play them at their shitty high school, please go read their abortion of a blog.  I already forgot the name of it but I'm sure if you type in "Worst example of plagarism" into google it will be like the first or second link off there.  I also refuse to link it because I do not want to give them any additional publicity.  Stay off of my fucking internet and my free Blogger domain names.  You are a disgrace.

Wow, that feels a whole lot better.  Now on to some of the more pressing matters of the week in sports.  Can you guys guess what I'm going to talk about?  Cool, because its not that impressive seeing as I already wrote it in the title.  Matt Leinart is at it again.  Matty is back out in full effect.  According to Bustedcoverage, dude threw a huge banger at his beach house in Newport last weekend.  No surprises there.  This dude was born with a BAC of at least .08.  However, the shocking new development seems tobe that Matt Leinart is an assman.  Now, everyone knows I don't like to get political on here so I won't reveal my own allegiances to either the chest or the buttocks.  However, is anyone a little surprised that Matty is an assman?  I know I am.  I always took him for a tits guy, mainy because Matt is perpetually blackout, and its probably super tough for him to distinguish between a good butt and a bad one when his world is spinning faster than Jeremy Lin (We'll get to him later).  But then I realized that Matt Leinart is not the average man.  He can do things that no one else can, and I guess this is just another one of those things.

The media is probably going to jump all over him again, talking about how he's lazy and he should be working hard in the offseason.  Blah Blah Blah.  This dude played for like 2 quarters this season.  Don't you think he deserves a little R and R before he takes those beautiful calf-muscles and chiseled jawline back to the gridiron?  Let the man live a little, he has to deal with that weirdo Matt Schaub bossing him around the entire year, and finally thats over and you hit him with this bullshit? Well guess what Matty, you have a media friend in us, and believe me we have A LOT of pull in this field, my friend.

Also, if you haven't seen this video this Srat broad put out about requesting a date with "Jerry Lin" who plays for the "New York Giants" because she "really really likes black guys," definitely go watch that.  What a dumb betch.





I'd like to take a second to thank the haters and the duplicators for becoming my motivators.  I've never wanted to spit hot fire more than I have today.  Ruthless.

-ACL Blues

A Return to the Sports World

I have been gone from the sports world for quite awhile.  What else can you expect, I just watched the sports franchise I hate most go knuckle-deep in my beloved Patriots and once again ruin a season.  I have not faced a single Sportcenter highlight, read a football related news-line, or even read ESPN since.  However, I have been getting ripped on for not posting so I suppose I need to enter the fucked up and cruel world of sports once again.  Let me glance at some headlines...

Knicks' Stoudemire Back, will Play Tuesday

Who cares about a stereotypical NBA player when you have Jeremy Lin prancing around making a 38 point night look easier than his 10th grade BC Calc Exam.   Moving on.  *(RIP Hazell Stoudemire)*

Judge sides with Sandusky on Grandkids


What Judge would allow Sandusky to visit his grandparents.  I wouldn't let Sandusky touch any grandparents, including his own, with a 80 foot pole.  Besides, this subject is too touchy.

Moss says he plans on return to NFL

Here we fucking go.  The Golden God of catching himself, Randy Moss, is coming out of retirement.  You know it's special when a verb is named after a player- "Ohhh, sheeiittt you just got Moss'd pussy."  The only other players who have verbs named after them are Tebow and Ray Lewis.  Ray's verb is a little less well known: "Michel Jackson was Ray Lewis'd by his doctor" or "Tiger Woods totally Ray Lewis'd his marriage...and probably one or two hookers" I digress.  The man who has hands softer than lotion-soaked Chinse ribbon silk wants to play him some foozeball again.  The man who paid his 50,000 dollar fine in straight cash, homie', is coming back to the gridiron.  The stallion who caught 23 TD's in a season is coming back to the field.  The man who fucking owns his own Truck Racing company is coming back to play football.  The man who deliberately ran over a traffic cop in Minnesota is coming back to torture cornerbacks.  Oh fuck, I just read down the article a little bit further, "Randy made this announcement for his 35th birthday surprise".....nevermind I guess.
      -Blaine Swaggert 

Linsanity Baby

I swore off posting about the Knicks about 2 or 3 weeks ago because it was just making me too upset.  Melo was taking close to 30 shots a game.  STAT had about as much lift in his knees as you can assume that I have based on my pen-name.  Toney Douglas was (is) T/Oney Douglas.  Landry Fields looked like Andy Rautins.  Tyson Chandler looked like he should be paying us his 50 million dollar contract to just watch the games.  And Mike D'Antoni still looked like the Pringles Guy.  But then, out of the sadness, out of the tears, out of the ashes of a season that looked like a catastrophe emerged a great oriental hope.  

I'm allowed to be racist apparently, because I have never seen so much blatant racism put out by the media about a player with an ethnically diverse background.  Its unbelievable.  Everyone is so god damn sensitive about political correctness and shit these days, and each demographic freaks out if even the slightest shot is taken at them, except, apparently, for Asian-Americans.  I saw a picture of an asian guy online holding up a poster with a picture of Lin and a quote that read "Who said we can't drive?"  That is fucking hilarious.  You know how fucking witty that shit is?  That guy could make a killing writing blogs.  In fact, I'd like to offer an open invitation to that man to come and write for us.  Fuck, I'd even offer him a salary even though we make 0$ in profit off of this blog.  It's awesome how asians are just taking these blatantly racist stereotypes on the chin, and just being able to laugh them off.  Although I guess it can't be that hard to do when your previous favorite players were Yao Ming and Wang Zhizhi.

Anyway, Master Lin is putting up huge numbers these past 3 games, and without jinxing him too hard, it looks like the Knicks have found their guy at PG for the rest of the season, or at least until Boom Dizzle gets healthy.  He has been straight taking over games.  

I think the funniest matchup he's had thus far has been last night with John Wall.  John Wall did 1 year of College at Kentucky, and when you go to play for Coach Cal can you really call it college?  As I've said before, you're getting paid.  I just know it, that man is just too slimy.  Anyway, one time John Wall was acting a little immature and not being a good leader for his team.  Want to know what his punishment was, per Coach Cal?  He was going to have to start GOING TO CLASSES and DOING HIS OWN HOMEWORK.  No fucking way.  Thats an outrage.  Can you imagine the contrast between JLin and JWall.  John Wall probably hasn't learned how to spell Kentucky yet, while Jeremy Lin is a Harvard Grad who would probably be working a cubicle job at Merrill Lynch right now if it weren't for this whole "Basketball" thing.  That's why when Lin took Wall to the Cup and threw it down, it was that much funnier.  Matter of fact, Rondo, Rose, and John Wall might be better at basketball, but they don't hold a candle to Lin's knowledge of the protestant reformation, or finding the derivative of a power function.  So suck it.

So hears to Meesah, Mastah, (Shao)Lin.  The man is a nightmare out there.

-ACL Blues

P.S. Austin Rivers is a douche, I don't care what you say.

My Journey to the Superbowl...and Heartbreak

Blaine Swaggert
57:00 on the clock and a downright sick feeling in my stomach.  The exact same feeling I had in 2007 except this time much more visceral - I was seated in section 103 row 17, surrounded by Giants fans and my somber family.  Once it got to 4th and 26, or whatever the hell it actually was, I began the walk of shame up the beautiful Lucas Oil Stadium staircase.  I was wearing my Brady jersey and an Indy Superbowl hat that was void of any team preference, a hat I had picked out deliberately in case the Pats lost.  As I begin this cursed ascent, just about the only thing I hear are vicious remarks aimed along the lines of, "What happened Brady" and other jeers coming from drunk Giant fans, aimed at me, who are reveling in their victory.  At just about the top of the seemingly endless staircase and with the exit in sight, this one absolutely hammered Pats fan begins speaking, "Don't you fucking leave, don't you stop watching, Tom Brady is the man."  Now I would be lying if he wasn't completely shitfaced or if I said I didn't have serious doubts in this game, but I decided to stay and watch the 4th down.  Amongst the chants of "One more play!" Brady threw an iced rope to Deion Branch shutting up the crowd, and this drunken fan and I immediately shared a passionate hug while my father laughed next to me.  Now maybe I had a shimmer of hope, but as 100's of millions know, this game did not turn out for a Pats fan.

When the last pass of the game hit the turf I did not wait for confetti or to even look at the field, I began walking.  This walk, however, is about 2 miles through downtown Indy with the final destination the Yellow Parking Zone section E, where a rental Kia mini van waited.  In what amounted to the longest walk of shame of my life, my phone ended up with 14 missed messages and 6 missed calls- none of which were condolences.  With the messages came the public jabs and jeering of joyous fans, also more personal remarks like, "We're getting fucked up tonight!" Now I have made life vows to never watch highlights of the game or to watch the Giants on field celebration, so the worst is I cannot watch Sportscenter for the next 18 months.  I will also have to enter a "Mourn Gorge" phase, where I will do nothing but be sad and eat heinous amounts of refrigerated food for a long long time.  Throughout the weekend I had experienced countless luxuries any fan would have loved to have, and I cannot deny the trip was sad yet phenomenal, and as my plane took off and my headphones played Take It Easy by the Eagles, I looked down on Lucas Oil with no regrets.

New Message: "Did Welker but butter on his fingers before that drive?"

...I'm starting to have some regrets

Eat up Big Blue fans.



ACL Blues
When my girlfriend broke up with me via AIM in 6th grade she broke my heart.  I put my iPod original, the one with all the buttons (not just the scroll wheel), on repeat, and went to bed 30 minutes early so I could listen to like 12 go rounds of Akon's Mr. Lonely before my mom made me go to sleep.  But Blues, what the fuck does that have to do with the superbowl?  Nothing at all.  It just kind of sounds like what Blaine just said.  You didn't really feel bad for me at all, did you?  In honesty, I don't feel bad for that kid for one second.  You have Tom Brady.  You have 3 recent super-bowls.  You have a fighting chance in the playoffs EVERY SINGLE YEAR.  Every ESPN Analyst can't wait to talk about your team.  Fuck, they even highered that clown Rodney Harrison to provide analysis more biased than Casey Anthony trial.

I haven't seen the Chiefs win a playoff game in 18 fucking years.  I had to watch the likes of Brodie Croyle, Damon Huard, Tyler Thigpen, and Tyler Palko while Brady was off banging girls so perfect I can't even picture them in my dreams, and drowning Wilfork in Champagne spray, the chiefs were deciding which LSU bust they were going to take in the draft.  So don't you come after all of our beautiful readers with these pity-magnet posts crying about why Boston chokes in literally every sport, ever.  This is what happens when you fuck with NY, and I don't mean the Jets.

Also, as is tradition I will now proceed to bash a seemingly harmless and gutsy professional athlete because of some ridiculous bias I have against them.  This one goes out to Julian Edelman.  I don't want to hear how he's Mr. Everything and all that.  He's Mr. Nothing.  He's a below average defensive player.  He's a below average offensive player.  He's limited as a returner.  So Boston, relax with this whole Ironman thing.  He's about as important to the Pats as this blog is to the Giants.  So therefore, Edelman has earned himself a one-way trip to this blogger's doghouse, and I'm burying the key in that beautiful divot in Brady's chin.

Sorry Boston :(

-ACL (Big)Blues

Ricky Rubio A Badass?

I'm sure a lot of you have seen the circus passes that Spanish boy-wonder Ricky Rubio has been performing day in and day out.  That kid can sling rock better than Ice-T.  Now I'm not using the term "kid" in a friendly manner or to sound like I'm superior (and I'm certainly not using the term "sling rock" because I think I know what I'm talking about), but I'm using the term "kid" because Ricky Rubio has the body of a child.  He is 21, straight out of Spain, stands at an average height of 6'4, and weights in at a whopping 180 pounds.  Let me put this in perspective, Dwayne Wade of the Miami Heat is also 6'4 and weighs 220 pounds...that's 40 fucking pounds.  That is the equivalent to one weight swing expected out of Oprah once she gets her TV Network's rating report.

Okay now you understand how frail Ricky Rubio is, so let me pose this question - Do you think a 21 year old baby bodied rookie named Ricky Rubio would talk shit to Kobe Bryant in broken English?  If you answered yes then you probably watch ESPN because this video is all over...



After Rubio barely manages to say, "You know you're getting that silver," (discussing 2012 Olympics) Kobe responds exactly how you would expect him to, "Sheeeeeettttt, I'm taking bets."  Just good old classic banter.  Now if these two got a little more heated, it would probably result in Kobe rapping Rubio in a similar fashion to that 19 year old hotel employee, but let's not re-hash that.  Regardless, props to an absolutely minuscule Rubio to talking some grade-A trash to one of the biggest badasses in the NBA.  Spaniards must have some massive balls: Stabbing angry bulls to death, running of the bulls, jumping over bulls, torturing bulls, anything you can possibly think of revolving around bulls, and now even talking shit to Kobe Bryant. Wow.  However Ricky, before the London Olympics you better discover what a weight is and how to pick it up, bro.

-Blaine Swaggert

The Art of the Black and Yellow Remix

So its Super Bowl season, and with Super Bowl season comes the inevitable period where we have to hear celebrities celebrate their undying fair-weather love for the teams that they didn't give a fuck about 2 months ago.  Birdman and 50 Cent have already had at this one a little bit.  They just decided that 1 million dollars was a fair amount to wager on the game.  I wasn't aware that Birdman's upbringing in uptown New Orleans would lead to his steadfast die-hard patriots fanhood.  Oh thats because it fucking didn't.  I'll call you out.  I'm not afraid of those teardrops under your eye.  No fear here on UTBR.  Come get some Birdman.  And as for 50 Cent, the same applies.  I get that your from New York and this and that, yeah ok, I got ya.  Maybe this deal will help people remember you as someone who did something other than write the timeless "In Da Club".  But the dude promised to tweet a naked picture of himself if they lost.  Seriously 50?  If people really can't imagine what's going on underneath 50's size 36's then I don't know what to tell you.  I won't tell you where to go to find this picture but let's just say if you google  "Visanthe Shiancoe Naked Locker Room" you'll find something comparable.

Rappers are BY FAR the worst sports fans I've ever seen.  Don't even get me started on Drake liking the Miami Heat because I take it as an insult to my country.  We fucking GAVE you a professional sports town in your foreign city Drake.  We gave that shithole Toronto a professional sports franchise, and you can't even appreciate it?  If you weren't featured in Weezy's HYFR I would completely add you to the UTBR hate-list.

But this brings me to my real point.  Blaine and I were discussing team-affiliated songs the other day, and decided that it was time for the Black and Yellow remixes to be laid to rest.  The song that became famous as the Steeler-Nation's anthem last year, Young Wizzle's Black and Yellow was countered by apparent Packers' fan(?) (Another Louisiana product with an apparent allegiance confusion) Lil Wayne's Green and Yellow, and it started a whole sports-beef in the rap community.  Well, as you probably know by this point in the article, I consider myself kind of a rap-game expert (Probably because of my prep school education and my address being located in an elevated tax bracket), and all this beef has been just totally whack yo.  But on some real shit, them dudes was making some real-ass tracks fa sho.

Then there was the influx of Black and Yellow remixes that really sealed the deal for me.  People would remake that song for everything.  What do you want for breakfast dude, "Eggs and bacon, eggs and bacon, eggs and bacon. Uh huh.  You know what it is."  Shit was funny for a little while and then this dude made this song, and that was it for me.  I was off the bandwagon.  Not to mention the countless people that tried to fit too many or too few syllables into the overplayed chorus. "Red, orange, black, and purple" cannot be a Black and Yellow Remix, guys.

So now we got this.  The real Superbowl.  Who's got the better, or funnier anthem:  Blue and Red (too few syllables) vs. Pat City.  We'll let the people decide.  Which one of these lyrical beauties has the edge.






-ACL Blues