The Art of the Black and Yellow Remix

So its Super Bowl season, and with Super Bowl season comes the inevitable period where we have to hear celebrities celebrate their undying fair-weather love for the teams that they didn't give a fuck about 2 months ago.  Birdman and 50 Cent have already had at this one a little bit.  They just decided that 1 million dollars was a fair amount to wager on the game.  I wasn't aware that Birdman's upbringing in uptown New Orleans would lead to his steadfast die-hard patriots fanhood.  Oh thats because it fucking didn't.  I'll call you out.  I'm not afraid of those teardrops under your eye.  No fear here on UTBR.  Come get some Birdman.  And as for 50 Cent, the same applies.  I get that your from New York and this and that, yeah ok, I got ya.  Maybe this deal will help people remember you as someone who did something other than write the timeless "In Da Club".  But the dude promised to tweet a naked picture of himself if they lost.  Seriously 50?  If people really can't imagine what's going on underneath 50's size 36's then I don't know what to tell you.  I won't tell you where to go to find this picture but let's just say if you google  "Visanthe Shiancoe Naked Locker Room" you'll find something comparable.

Rappers are BY FAR the worst sports fans I've ever seen.  Don't even get me started on Drake liking the Miami Heat because I take it as an insult to my country.  We fucking GAVE you a professional sports town in your foreign city Drake.  We gave that shithole Toronto a professional sports franchise, and you can't even appreciate it?  If you weren't featured in Weezy's HYFR I would completely add you to the UTBR hate-list.

But this brings me to my real point.  Blaine and I were discussing team-affiliated songs the other day, and decided that it was time for the Black and Yellow remixes to be laid to rest.  The song that became famous as the Steeler-Nation's anthem last year, Young Wizzle's Black and Yellow was countered by apparent Packers' fan(?) (Another Louisiana product with an apparent allegiance confusion) Lil Wayne's Green and Yellow, and it started a whole sports-beef in the rap community.  Well, as you probably know by this point in the article, I consider myself kind of a rap-game expert (Probably because of my prep school education and my address being located in an elevated tax bracket), and all this beef has been just totally whack yo.  But on some real shit, them dudes was making some real-ass tracks fa sho.

Then there was the influx of Black and Yellow remixes that really sealed the deal for me.  People would remake that song for everything.  What do you want for breakfast dude, "Eggs and bacon, eggs and bacon, eggs and bacon. Uh huh.  You know what it is."  Shit was funny for a little while and then this dude made this song, and that was it for me.  I was off the bandwagon.  Not to mention the countless people that tried to fit too many or too few syllables into the overplayed chorus. "Red, orange, black, and purple" cannot be a Black and Yellow Remix, guys.

So now we got this.  The real Superbowl.  Who's got the better, or funnier anthem:  Blue and Red (too few syllables) vs. Pat City.  We'll let the people decide.  Which one of these lyrical beauties has the edge.






-ACL Blues

LeBron VS Rose

A lot of funny stuff happened in this incredible Heat Vs Bulls NBA game, and I'm going to break it down a bit.  First, the obvious: LeBron very literally leaped over John Lucas and threw down a massive alley-oop.  This dunk closely resembled what happens when I play my little brother on our 7 foot hoop.  The only difference is I'm not a freak athlete, I don't have the same beard as Spartan King Leonidas, and I my mom wasn't slayed by that squirrelly shit Delonte West- So pretty much the same thing.  

Another great aspect of this game was the sheer athleticism.  Whether it was LeBron and Wade tossing up alley-oops to each other, or Rose performing back to back circus layups, the athleticism was mind blowing.  I mean, maybe the one downside is Kyle Korver.  That scrub looks lost out there, just getting bounced around by LeBron, Bosh, and Haslem, never getting to close to the paint because he knows his frail bones will get smashed to bits.  On the upside for Korver, the guy can always get a job as an Ashton Kutcher impersonator.  

Guess which one is Korver...

Oh heres another one: Carlos Boozer's own child chanting lets go Heat.  What a clown, C'mon Carlos at least teach your own kid what team your on.   Wait, just remembered another funny moment: When that LeBron ad aired with LeBron telling kids to dedicate time to their education. Are you fucking kidding LeBron? You went to highschool just to get drafted, and then when you did get drafted, you completely skipped college.  How dare you try to tell kids to dedicate time to school, thats pretty much the same as Brett Farve trying to inform kids of the dangers of sexting.

And why the hell can't LeBron or Rose shoot free-throws, it looked like a pee-wee house basketball game out there from the line.  Rose could have given the bulls a lead with 20 seconds left but missed both his free-throws.  Then, Lebron could have put the game away but missed his as well.  That's trash, aren't you guys the two best players in the league?  Then why did you guys both miss game changing free-throws, thats horse hockey!

So in conclusion, this game was a cluster-fuck of bad calls, missed free-throws, funny reactions, heinous amounts of athleticism, and a lots of LeBron posterizing other players.

-Blaine Swaggert

Some Pretty Funny Stuff Happened This Week

So, again, we haven't been posting nearly enough and I would like to promise you that this week it will change (And I'm going to seriously make an attempt to) but I'm just not ready to make that sort of commitment to you guys yet.  I'm sorry, I really like you, I do, I just don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can dedicate myself to you completely.  I hope we can still be friends.

Anyway, some real hilarious stuff happened during the week and I really need to comment on it.  So I'm just going to combine a few things that should be separate posts into one because its my blog and you guys aren't the boss of me.

#1:  Terell Suggs calls Skip Bayless a Douchebag on live TV:  T Sizzle out of BallSoHard University?  People said that Obama was the voice of our generation.  I would like to nominate Terrell Suggs for that position.  He said exactly what we were all thinking.  Who fucking likes Skip Bayless?  No one!  How do all these people that everyone hates (Mike Mayock, Chris Collinsworth, Jim Rome, Woody Paige, Merrill Hodge) get jobs on well-known TV networks saying outlandish things while I'm stuck in my dimly-lit room on my twin-size bed dropping absolute science on your asses from a free domain name?  I'm bewildered.

#2:  Walt 'Clyde' Frazier Gets a Twitter:  Clyde is probably the most hilarious announcer on TV.  He is so senile and cocky these days, he sounds like my uncle John after 12 Blue Moons at our family Christmas party.  He's the man.  The other day during the Knicks vs. Heat game he was saying that LeBron probably wouldn't have been as good as him during his day because the rosters in the league were a lot more balanced.  Yeah, totally Clyde, why would a 6'8" 260 pound freight train that can defend and literally get to the basket at will be good against a bunch of "balanced" 6'4" white people with good "fundamentals".  Remember Keith Van Horn?  He had good fundamentals too.  So follow this guy if you have a twitter.  SELF PROMO: Follow me too @EnnDee23 for more links to bullshit articles that are written by me and Blaine.

#3: Stilman White. Yup.: No way this is a real thing.  I'm scared to even try to make a flurry of jokes because I might miss one, and because this is, in itself, a joke.  I was just admitted to the THE University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, so obviously I was watching them beat the shit out of NC State the other day when a miracle happened:  A 6'0" 150 lb. pale-white nerd with birth marks up and down his arm checked into the game for his backup Point Guard shift that consists of literally 3 minutes.  His name, of course, is STILMAN WHITE.  No fucking way.  You know what? TSizzle is great, but this dude's parents are the real heroes here.  Having the foresight to name your son the nerdiest, whitest, most outrageously hilarious combination of letters cannot go unrewarded.  They've earned their place in the UTBR hall of fame.  That is for sure.  I will never be a fan of an athlete more than I am a fan of the Stil MAN.

#4: Dwight Howard says Know Ya Role:  So after the Magic blew like a 50 point lead against the Celdicks, Howard conducted an interview doing his best "I'm going to act sad to make it look like I still care about the Orlando Magic" impression.  In his defense, this franchise has absolutely fucked him.  He told them to go get players and they went out and got Gilbert the Gun-Wielder and Hedo Turkgolu. He will be gone next year, probably with Deron Williams somewhere sunny, and all the Magic will have to show for it is a bunch of Jameer Nelsons that need to KNOW YA ROLES.

#5: Carl Hagelin Makes NHL Rookie All-Star Team:  This really isn't that funny because Carl is an absolute stud, but I haven't even mentioned my love for him yet on this site so I felt like today was the day to do it.  Great hair: Check.  Facial Symmetry: Check.  Blazing Speed: Check.  Projected friendship with all Swedish DJs including Avicii: Check.  What a renaissance man.

By the way, is it just me or does everyone and their mother have a blog these days?  I've seen some really dumb blogs out there on my Facebook mini-feed.  Oh great, you're going to start a music blog?  That's so original!  I'm not coming after people that have been grinding blog-wise, but don't just do it for the ladies, guys.  This is a life-style you posers.  And if I wanted to hear about your trip abroad I would text you and ask you about it, so don't go blogging it.  We're out here doing this with a purpose, people.  Have some respect for our craft.

-ACL Blues

The Championship Round in Review

Eli Looks intimidating in this one

2:30 PM-Pre Game for Ravens @ Patriots

Knowing that the patriots were playing in a mere 30 minutes, and also knowing that I had a real chance of not watching them play for a whole year, and also knowing that if the Patriots win they would be heading to the Superbowl, and also knowing that if the Patriots would win I, Blaine Swaggert, would be heading to Indy, I was required to brace my body and mind for an emotional roller-coaster. Unfortunately, I  was required to watch the E-Trade baby absolutely trash the patriots defense with quotes like, "I trust the Patriots defense about as much as a barber with a mullet, then I had to watched Ray Lewis crying during the national anthem, probably because he had to listen to Steven Tyler in person, or maybe it was because he is a god damn psycho path, probably the latter.  Quick question: Whats scarier, going to a SuperBowl Party in Atlanta with Ray Lewis, or playing football against him? If you answered going to the SuperBowl Party then you guessed right, because the odds of you getting stabbed to death are about 3/4.  So now with all of this alarming thoughts, and Steven Tyler's steel wool vocals shredding my ear canals, I was entering this game more rattled than an away QB in NCAA 12'.

Half Time Ravens @ Patriots 
Score: 10-13


Thoughts:  This is not going well at all, the Pats are playing with no pep, no zip, they look flatter than Reese Witherspoon before breast surgery.  Brady  has been ice cold, and has missed targets like Gronk Monster, which I previously thought was impossible due to his freakish Greek God physique.

End Game Ravens @ Patriots
Score 20-23


God Bless bad athletes, God Bless Billy Cundiff!

Giants @ 49er's Recap


I love good defense, yay defense, defense defense defense, rushing the passer, defense, sacks deffense, yay!!!!  Okay, actually a great game, and a really exciting one.  I wish that Bradshaw fumble was called back because that was absolutely ridiculous.  Oh, and I hate Eli Manning, but I do respect him for taking that beating -will that stop me from making fun of how childish and weak he looked on the field? fuck no.





Well good win I guess Giants,

-Blaine Swaggert

Thoughts from the Intro to Pats Ravens

Wow Wow Wow.  I'm not even supposed to blog today, but I have to say something quickly about that totally bizarre pre-game deal.  Did you guys just see that national anthem?  Psychopath Lewis was crying his eyes out.  Flacco and Welker are going toe to toe to see who can have the biggest pedophile mustache.  And Steven Tyler was high on premium black-tar heroin and wearing a bedazzled Patriots scarf that Bieber wouldn't even touch.  If this game ends 2-0 and just sucks so bad I won't even care.  That was so fucking funny.

I can't tell which was more ridiculous.  Tyler's horse screaming of the national anthem, or the fact that Ray Lewis thought it was so beautiful that he couldn't hold back his tears.  In youth football you would always rip on the kid who started crying, but I think it just makes Ray "Ted Bundy" Lewis that much scarier.  Like what kind of dude has that little control of his emotions that that shit happens to him before one of the biggest games of his career.  This is going to be a fucking amazing game to watch.  I don't know about you but I'm watching big ol' murdering #52 all game.

Also, really Joe Flacco?  You already suck enough, why do you want to look even more like a slimy pedophile than you already do.  And Welker, I like you because you put on for the White Recievers, but c'mon man, you're better than that.  Why would you do it?  Is it because you want to try and distinguish yourself from your long-lost twin Julian Edelman?  that's got to be it.

Enjoy the game everyone.



-ACL Blues

A Moment in UTBR History

Guys! The high school newspaper wants to do an article on us, and they are totally willing to ignore all the blatant, flagrant, sodomized soaked, language we use!  No, wait, this actually happened. Straight-Astudent wunderkind, Spenny B, has put in countless hours of research so he could inflate my ego, as well as bring the comical secrets of UTBR to the public.  He managed to conduct an interview with yours truly (Swaggert) and none other than ACL Blues -Times magazine has already dubbed it the "interview of the century" and as I write this post People Magazine is attempting to buy this story for 100,000$.  It's clearly a big fucking deal, so check out the interview here, and I promise it is worth it.  I mean at least this article has inflated my ego to the point where I address my close friend group and mother as "servants," so it will probably do some good for you too, right?

New York Knicks: State of the Union

Guys Oh My GOD!  The Knicks are Number 1 baby!!... in alley-oops... This is fucking ridiculous.  I'm sick of it.  Let's face it.  We suck.  We are just flat out a shitty team right now.  Granted we're not even as close to as bad as that little green thing they call a professional basketball team over there in Boston, but we're pretty fucking bad.  It's not the effort.  I'm ok with how hard the players are playing for the most part (Except for Melo fucking whining about an injury every other day, and Amar'e deciding that yelling at the refs is more important than running back to the "defensive" end of the court which seems like a foreign country to him).  It's the coaching.  I fucking hate the Heat.  I strongly dislike the Lakers.  I am in no way an Oklahoma City Thunder fan.  But guess what?  You don't see Mario Chalmers and Chris Bosh switching on screens all the way out at the 3-point line like the Knicks do all the time.  You don't see the lakers dribble down the court and give the ball to Kobe and say "Ok.  Well our work is done here."  Ok maybe they do that sometimes, but they at least don't have a "Point Forward" which has to be the stupidest thing that I've ever heard of.  Ever.  You don't see a team go on a 40-0 run on the Thunder and Head Coach Scott Brooks have only one thing to say: "C'mon Let's go! Let's Go! Let's Go!"  Guess where you do see those things.  In the Garden, with Head Coach and proclaimed "Offensive Wizard" Mike D'Antoni.

Dolan, do one thing right, and get this guy out.  I'm not even mad anymore.  I'm just begging you.  I come before you a humbled man since last night.  Please rid New York City of this bubonic plague.  I really don't care who you hire.  My High School fired their basketball coach last year because we sucked.  Hire HIM! I really do not give a fuck.  Remember when Spreewell wanted to be the Player-Coach?  Give him a call, see if he's still interested.  See if Stephon Marbury wants to come back and coach the fucking team.

Again, there is another problem with this team.  Is here anyone on this roster that can make an open 3 pointer?  Man I miss Gallinari.  I think I have like a little crush on him.  He was kind of hot, right?  With his spikey hair and Eurotrash accent.  Just kidding, but that dude was the man.  Plus he was automatic from 3 point land.  Remember Wilson Chandler? He's on a diet of straight sushi (that's chinese right?), and dumplings right now.  Remember Shawne Williams, our Small Forward with a not so small marijuana-dependence?  These were the reasons why we were so good at stretching the floor last year.  Now we have Steve Novak who has played like 6 combined minutes all year, and Toney "The Chucker" Douglas.
 
I'm really sad, and I think this is the last Knicks post you will see from me for a good long while.  Who wants to be a Nuggets fan with me? Under .500 just doesn't cut it for me.  Start some "Fire D'Antoni" chants at the garden if you bother shelling out like 2 billion dollars to Fat Dolan to go to the games.





-ACL Blues