A Chance to Legitimize

Now that the NBA season is basically over, some of us basketball loving Neanderthals have to start looking in a new direction. To do this, all we have to do is glance right next door to our “sister” league, the WNBA. The WNBA has been overshadowed by its obvious superior for too damn long and its time for the league to come out of its shell, take its heels off, and say to the world in a faint womanly voice, "I’m here! Watch ME now". Fans can’t change the fact that the NBA is stuck in a lockout but we can realize that it’s the perfect time for the women to shine in sports. That’s right Kara Braxton forward of the New York Liberty, and that means you Alison Bales center for the Atlanta dream, and especially you Brittney Griner, because us guys like seeing people dunk. Although the WNBA is still looking into Griner’s sex we all have our fingers crossed that she’ll pass the test so we can watch her slam windmills on helpless 5-6 white girls. When you tune into your nearest WNBA team, you can be guaranteed that the enthusiasm that the ladies bring to the table is equal too, if not greater than that of NBA players. You will always see the players cute little cheers and handshakes, right after a ridiculous REVERSE LAYUP. Although the players moms in the crowd don’t show it, the games can get nerve-wracking. Sometimes you’ll see it come down to the final seconds with the game on the line, and a player hits a spectacular mid-range jumper to win the game with only two minutes on the clock. Now we all know that basketball isn’t as fun, without constant dunking and fancy moves, but once you get past all that you will see the valuable aspects of the game, such as: layups, chest passes, bounce passes, and even some skill dribbling. But if that’s not good enough for you, I’ve come up with a few ideas to help spice up the games.

Man?

1.     Play on rollerblades

2.     Every time the home team hits double digits, the crowd is privileged with a meet and greet

3.     Every game, one lucky fan is allowed to be the ref

4.     Give fans ten dollars to sit and watch games

5.     Bring back the NBA

6.     Please god we need the NBA

     -Guest Writer Mo Williams Mo Problems 

An Athletes Shot At Reality Stardom

It has become clear that Kim Kardashian has taken a likening to shitty professional football and basketball players, whether it is the always horribly average/injured Reggie Bush from Pizza Hut Commercial hall of fame, or Kris (Yes he spells it this way) Humphries and his career 5.6 Points per Game, she loves those mediocre professional athletes.  So, I've decided to make a pros and cons list of reasonable athletes for her to drag around and play dress up with on her obnoxious reality show.

Marshawn Lynch

Clinical Genius

Pros: Average career with 3.7 yards on average and 28 TD's, and he can go what he calls "beast mode", and I'm 100% positive that "beast mode" applies in the bedroom. And can't everyone picture Marshawn going ape shit about some silly Kardashian dispute in one of their episodes?  Just straight up flipping fancy red maple dinner tables and getting all up in Bruce's face, thats golden television right there.

Cons: He is actually too smart for any Kardashian, yes thats correct.  He scored a 42 on his Wonderlic test, which, Christ on a cracker, is equivalent to an 144 IQ.

Nate Robinson

Nate-Dog is an absolutely adorable PG standing in at 5ft 9in, and is playing for the Oklahoma City Thunder.  He has turned in such stats 6.8 Points per Game last season.  Lets weigh his pros and cons.

Pros: Does not even start, so he is appears perfectly average enough from Kim.  Kim could also just put him into one of those little dog-holder bags and just bring him to red carpet events. 

Cons: He happens to be a 3-time Slam Dunk Champion because society has deemed it necessary, due to too many Disney movies, to favor the underdog. So he is just too downright showy and might take too much attention from Kim.

Lamar Odom

Lamar Odom is a great basketball player, and is also married to another Kardashian sister, Klhoe.  So these odds seem to be stacking up against him, however, he is certainly the most reasonable athlete to date Kim next.  Heres why,

The "cow" of the Kardashian Family

Literally every single living organism who has ever stumbled upon E!'s Keeping Up With The Kardashians is appalled when the camera man is forced to pan-over to Klhoe due to contract reasons.  She is hideous, and it doesn't help she is surrounded by beautiful women all the time.  If I had to shack up with either the mother, Kris Kardashian, or Klhoe Kardashian, there is not even hesitation, Momma Kardashian all the way.  Marrying Khloe is on my To-Do list right behind sticking batteries in my urethra while rubbing wasabi into my eye balls.  Khloe is that foul, and I'm sure Lamar is regretting marrying her for reality stardom.  So now that there is no NBA season and Lamar needs to make a splash, he is certainly going to make a move for Kim, and E! will title it, Kim Kardashian's New Fairtytale Romance, and god damn it will be television history.

-Blaine Swaggert

Matt Leinart: The Keys to the Kingdom

The associated press reports that the Houston Texans have named Matt Leinart their starter indefinitely in the wake of the season-ending injury to Matt Schaub.  This is like the best day of my life since Holly Parker asked me out on AOL 6.0 in 6th grade (and that was a pretty good fucking day).  There is no bigger Leinart fan in NFL history than yours truly.  Sure he’s averaged 6.5 yards per completion with 11 fumbles, 20 interceptions, and only 14 Touchdown passes in his 6 NFL seasons.  I know that all 4 people reading this think he sucks.  Well yeah, maybe you’re right.  Actually, no you’re definitely right.  Who cares?  This USC prodigy may have an allergy to winning and to delivering catchable balls to his receivers.  But, I’ll tell you what he’s not allergic to: partying and being the only backup quarterback ever to be able to claim he’s a sex symbol.

            This brings me to my next point.  While inferior analysts like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay have struggled to discover what the real problems are with his lack of efficiency I have figured it out in about 30 seconds.  No Mel, it’s not his release or his footwork.  Sorry Todd, not even the fact that he stares down his primary receiver for 30 seconds is his problem.  The problem is far more complex and intricate than those.  The problem lies in the fact that Matt Leinart just wants to party.  That’s it. He wants to continue to ram plastic hoses down USC swampdonkeys’ throats and pour enough Cranberry-Lemonade 4LoKo that it will already be making its way through their liver by the time they realize its not beer.   Can you blame him? I sure can’t. 

            Also, what a dumb decision to pick him in Arizona.  You know how hard it is for your body to metabolize alcohol when its 150 degrees outside?  Neither do I but its probably hard, and his body probably had to do it every day.  Anyway, Cheers to Matt Leinart.  Sure the Texans one-and-a-half-game lead in the AFC South is as good as gone, and sure Jacoby Jones and Andre Johnson will probably ask for a trade during the bye week, but Matt, you will always have a special place in my heart (as well as in the facebook photo albums of many future trophy wives).

-ACL Blues

Gronkowski Puts the TD in STD

    It is safe to say Rob Gronkowski, star TE for the New England Patriots, has been tearing up the playing field.  More impressive however, is Gronkowski's ability to tear up porn stars on the regular, and then plaster that shit all over the god damn internet.

Featured: Rob Gronkowski; Dirty disease
ridden porn star Bibi jones

       Gronkowski's season has been very impressive, heres a brief overview statistically: 8 TD's, 709 yards, 52 receptions, at least 1 porn star banged, 2 unfortunate encounters with the media, and STD's unknown. So the question remains--Does Rob Gronkowski have more TD's, or STD's?

       To answer this vital question one must delve deep into Gronkowski's shadowed and elusive history.  He attended Arizona and was known for his boisterous and hard-partying ways.  Incredibly enough, Gronkowksi managed to get a video of him grinding with slammies on top of a DJ booth on the internet as well (Shocker!!!). Thus, it is clear Gronkowski is an expert on internet mishaps.  Now this fact reveals a lack in critical thinking and judgment.  With this lack of judgement in mind, he was most likely far too busy giving a back massage to Bibi Jones and failed to remember his XL Magnum Black Condom in his new pair of jeans.  Furthermore, with a jawline that pristine and a body like a Greek God, dirty women and porn stars are slayed in bundles. So, it is safe to say while he was stacking bodies he was also amassing a bounty of STD's.  With all this in mind, I'd wager Gronkowski has between 6-8 STD's, successfully putting the TD, in STD.

-Blaine Swaggert