Jerome Simpson's Quest to Win a Razzie and to Sell A Whole Lot of Marijuana

Well, if you haven't seen the video of Jerome Simpson flopping, which is one of the worse acting performance I've ever seen, here you go. Yes, it's completely heinous, but also completely hilarious.   First of all, Jerome starts off this little scuffle by dragging Scott Fujita out of a pile-up by his foot.  This is already starting to get ridiculous. Next, Scott manages to release himself form Jerome's grip and stand up (clearly pissed off that he just got dragged by his fucking foot).  He then proceeds to give Jerome a little bump, a push, a nudge, what have you, and Jerome sails.  Man does he go far.  So far in fact, that the camera loses sight of him.  The crowd loses it, Scott loses it, everyone is appalled at Jerome's childish, very soccer-esque action. The best part though, is the ref.  Man, does he blow this bad on some real levels. The ref takes a quick glance to see Jerome on the ground, and gives that whistle of his a blow and his little yellow flag a toss.  Outrage. 

Here's another really hilarious thing Jerome Simpson has done; get caught with 6 pounds of marijuana in his home, along with all the materials needed to sell said marijuana.  The official police report looked like this,

"In September 2011, police searched Simpson's home after intercepting a package to be delivered to his home containing 2 pounds of marijuana. When police arrived at Simpson's home, he allowed them to search his home. Upon searching the home, the police found 6 more pounds of marijuana, scales, empty packages similar to the one intercepted by the police."

Holy God is that a lot of weed.  I'm sure the call to the station went something like this, "Ahh shit bro, 6 pounds over here.  This guy is so fucked.  Man I'm sure he had those Bengals set though."  What probably happened was Jerome wasn't thrilled with his low-end salary in the NFL, I mean a couple hundred thousand isn't enough for Jerome.  Why not sell a little tiny bit of weed, nothing major, maybe on the side,I mean it can't hurt?  No Jerome, 8 pounds of weed and consent to sell can definitely fucking hurt. Last thing your probably wondering, how is Jerome playing in the NFL if he was busted so badly.  Well, the NFL decided to not do anything about it until the police report and legal case is officially wrapped up. Get a feeling we won't be seeing any of Jerome's acting next season...

-Blaine Swaggert 

More QB News: Josh Freeman Sprains his Thumb Shooting Guns, Light a Candle for Matt Leinart's Shoulder

The Buccaneers suck this year.  They're 4-7, and they've lost 5 in a row.  Apparently, 4 weeks ago Josh Freeman sustained a thumb injury, during a bye week activity at the shooting range.  They didn't release the report until today but Head Coach Raheem Morris had this to say: "It is what it is. These guys are 23 years old, and it's our job to make them more responsible and grow up a little bit." Raheem Morris, you got some nerve, insinuating that just because your below-average QB gets paid ludicrous amounts of money to play a sport on Sundays, that it was immature to take a couple of hours to go do a moderate-very dangerous activity.  Guys correct me if I'm wrong here (even though no one comments), but Raheem Morris is being a controlling asshole here right?  Sure, Josh Freeman sustained a shoulder injury that he probably severely aggravated in addition to fucking up his throwing thumb, but don't you know how stressful it is being the franchise quarterback for an NFL team with no chance of making the playoffs?  While all you 'normal' people just get up in the morning with nothing to worry about and punch the clock at your 9-5 backbreaking job with no health benefits Josh Freeman has to worry about super important things like if he wants to eat the $10,000 dollar fine for wearing red cleats this weekend, or whether he wants to have sex with a blonde or brunette that night.  It's a really tough life, thats why he "treats the range as a release".  Yeah that's fair.  I mean everyone has their releases.  I watch Romantic Comedies and make nachos with Tostitos, some people have spa-days, others go to the gym, Josh Freeman shoots guns at targets.


Have you ever been led on my a girl super badly? Like just teased so terribly that it makes you cry?  That's almost exactly what happened to me at around 2:20 on Sunday afternoon.  Matt Leinart made his first start since 2008.  Then, once I was fully erect, Leinart takes a tumble and comes up lame on his shoulder.  As I buried my face in my hands, I thought of one thing: How fucked up is Leinart going to get tonight?  That mildly cheered me up for a minute, but then I realized that may have been Leinart's last shot.  That could have been his last hurrah in the NFL, ever.  Who moves to the #1 partier, #1 sex symbol QB role? Sanchez? Orton? Brady? Quinn?... Palko?  No one comes close.  So raise your glass, whether its Keystone or Savignon Blanc, because we lost a great one on Sunday.  You will be missed Matty, you will be missed.  I need a release.  Time to fire up some 500 Days of Summer and melt some nacho cheese.





-ACL Blues

Cristiano Renaldo Being Sold into (Sexual) Slavery?

I just checked Wikipedia and I'm fucking positive the slave trade ended in Spain in 1833.  So this new deal regarding the 26-year-old Euro-trendster is sort of shocking.  Apparently Portugal is so far into debt that they literally have to start selling the nationalities of their citizens to other countries in Europe. Ok, that source doesn't seem like the most reputable, but it was the first link off of google so you'll have to deal with it.  I read the first two paragraphs and pretty much it says that the minister of Portugal is pretty much forgoing any chance of ever winning a World Cup ever again, and selling the face of his country, so that he can play for Spain in the next World Cup.  They said that they're going to sell his nationality to Spain for 160 million euros.  Look, I don't know much about the Portugese economy besides the fact that they most likely produce soccer balls, hair gel, and male capris in bulk.  But, I know that our national debt is like 13 trillion dollars and 160 million dollars probably wouldn't even make a dent.  This leads me to believe the Portugese and Spanish governments are not giving the entirety of the details.  In this humble blogger's opinion, Renaldo could and will be sold into the underground world of sexual solicitation.  Imagine how much girls (guys?) would pay to have sex with this:

A lot.  If Spain was to sell this bod to the people from the movie "Taken", they would make a boatload of cash.  That's why I think the deal was more like "We'll give you 160 million now, and 40% of his uhhh... earnings once he gets over here".  Now THAT would pull Portugal right out of their economic crisis.  Hell, it may even revive the Euro, look at those abs.  Anyway, it got me thinking that I should write a memo to the president offering these ideas about athletes that we could sell in order to pay off our national debt:

Kobe Bryant- $400 Million to Italy: The Italians have probably had a boner for Kobe ever since he lived there with his dad when he was growing up.  They'll probably even sell the sistine chapel in order to pay us for him.

Dwight Howard- $300 Million to China:  Listen China, you have to cut your losses on that whole Yao thing.  He's undergone 16 knee surgeries.  Its just not in the cards anymore.  However, this guy's even better.  He's only 7'1" but he can jump over like 16 Mao Zedongs stacked on top of eachother.

Patrick Kane, Ryan Miller- $200 Million to Russia:  Sorry Pat.  Sorry Ry.  You're going to have to move into Putin-land for a while why we pay off these debts.  Yes, the rumors are true.  He will kill you if you lose.  Good luck.

Hope Solo- $150 Million to North Korea:  Kim Jong-Il has a monstrous porn addiction.  He also loves winning soccer games.  Watching Hope Solo play goalie is like both of his favorite things combined into one.

Tyler Palko- 4$ to Anywhere who will take him:  Yeah, I'm still mad about Sunday night.

There you have it.  Our debt will be a thing of the past.  By the way, this will be the last UTBR post ever that headlines a soccer player.  Mark my words.

-ACL Blues

Monday Night Football Preview: Giants Sure to Get Handled

Sure, it's true, I hate the Giants, and I will never forgive them for the 2007 season.  But, does that mean I will be biased towards them on a Monday Night Football Preview, well if you read the title then, yes, obviously I will be biased, I fucking hate them.  In all fairness, the Giants have a Linebacker core that is less productive than Shaq at the free-throw line, and Eli is also horribly inconsistent.  One thing I'm sure we will all see tonight is Eli looking really fucking dejected after an errant pass, and at least one Interception. Okay, well lets break into some closer analysis.

Home Field Advantage:
The Saints are home, and are playing in the very recognizable Super Dome.  Drew Brees will most likely be shredding through the Giants linebackers like Rosie O'Donnell through a pink frosted pound cake.


Bye Week Advantage:
It's the Saints folks, they're coming off a bye and should be ready.  I'm sure Sean Payton has drawn up many a schemes that result in Jimmy Graham sailing into the end zone.  Promptly followed by an announcer telling us how Jimmy is a breakout player this year.

Results: 
Eli will be shaking his head looking like a lost puppy in the Dome, as Tom Coughlin throws a tantrum on the sideline, most likely due to horrible special teams play (People don't forget, Matt Dodge).  Drew Breeze and Jimmy Graham will connect, and maybe Mark Ingram puts up some respectable numbers against a weak linebacker group.  Also, with the Giants usually stellar pass rush resembling the Patriots before Andre "So Strawwwwnnnn" Carter, Brees will have too much time.



I'd say the score is something like 31-10, Saints

-Blaine Swaggert

Sunday Night Football Preview: Palko is On Primetime Again

Last year I had the misfortune of making the Varsity basketball team at my school.  I spent the majority of my time at the far left side of the bench hanging out with the Coach's 8-year-old son who was like my best friend on the team (Ok so he wasn't exactly on the team but he was probably as good as I was at basketball).  However, in the final minutes of our rivalry game, with us down 20, they put me into the game.  I played so terribly they pulled me from garbage time.  It was so fucking embarrassing I wanted to break one of the fluorescent gym lights and stab it into my jugular vein.  So, What do my athletic frustrations have to do with the Sunday Night Football game tonight?  This is the story of Tyler Palko's professional career.  He rides the bench for an eternity, then gets a chance on prime-time and throws 3 picks after I (over)hyped him up in the MNF preview.  After the game he was probably like "Well, that sucked but at least I can hide from 20 million viewers next week when we play on the shitty local Kansas City Network."  Poor guy didn't know he had to play against like the most savage defensive goons in the world the next week.

I feel like Tyler Palko and I would get along really well.  We both have awesome hair, great facial structure with high cheek bones, a noodle arm, and make very poor decisions when under pressure (for me its mainly when I'm at a party and my friends chant my name, and for him its throwing into triple coverage every time a D Lineman comes within 30 feet of him).  So while Mike Tomlin is running his straight up jailbreak blitzes tonight, and Polamalu, Casey Hampton, Lamarr Woodley, and that crazy asshole James Harrison are bumrushing poor lil' Ty, I will feel all of his pain.  Anyway, I have an inside source that is one of the Chiefs' higher-ups and he said that this is what Todd Haley's game plan looks like for his squad tonight:

Offensive Strategy:  Palko time.  Only 5 wide-receiver sets all night.  The only reason why we lost last monday is because the chiefs ran the ball like 30 times.  We can't keep this beast caged for too much longer and expect to win games.  We need to let all 5'11" of our favorite cute little Pittsburgh grad air it out all night long baby.

Defensive Strategy:  Dwayne Bowe and Jonny Baldwin said that they were working on drumming up  some Mizzou sluts to continuously flash Roethlisberger from the sideline until he inevitably rapes all of them, ruling him ineligible for the rest of the season and number one on the National Feminism Committee kill list.

Chiefs are +10.5.  I'd probably take the Steelers, but I'm not so good at these, as you can probably tell.  However,  if Haley sticks to the gameplan and lets our 28-year-old CFL dropout stud QB throw it around the yard a little bit, we might be able to, maybe, stick it out and..... lose by 50.


-ACL Blues

The Ndamukong Suh Show

I just saw the highlight of Ndamukong Suh pounding Evan Dietrich-Smith, a guard for the Packers, head into the turf, and then proceeding to curb stomp the hell out of poor little Evan's arm.  Just wow....So much raw power. So much goddamn power, what a physical specimen, he takes my breath away every time he tries to rip a QB's head off.

Sure, what Suh does may be illegal, it may even be so illegal it gets him ejected from games, but if I had physical prowess like Suh I'd sure want to use it.  I mean you got to let Suh free, you've got to unleash him and let him wreak havoc on poor QB's and unsuspecting offensive linemen, who for some reason thought Suh would play fair.  No, Suh won't play fair because he does not have to.  He is 24 years old, just signed a 60 million dollar contract with an NFL team, has several endorsements, and is the best defensive tackle in the league.  Why the fuck does he care if he misses the second half of a game, or if the NFL takes 10,000 dollars from his super deep, robust, silk laid, golden laced pockets?   Your right, he couldn't care less.

I say we all should just marvel at his predatory instincts, raw power, immense mass, and incredibly off-putting off-base and half-assed apologies.  Guy doesn't give a shit. And instead just makes up some horseshit lie about losing his balance and needing to trample Evan.  Men as gifted as Suh don't lose balance...of course his story is bullshit, but man is he passionate about the game of football.  Suh will continue to do what he wants, and not regret or apologize for the results because he simply doesn't give a fuck about the higher up NFL officials.  He's just looking to fuck people up.

-Blaine Swaggert

Minnesota Wild Sign 51-Year-Old Backup Tendy

Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving, but since I'm not sure anyone even reads this I'll drop the formalities and get to the hilarious story of the aforementioned senior citizen goalie.

On Wednesday Night a 51-year-old Men's League Goaltender planned on either playing in his men's hockey league game predictably at some shitty Minnesota Community Center, or attending the Wild vs. Predators game to which he had tickets to.  His plans changed when Wild Head Coach Mike Yeo called the man to tell him that he would be needed to serve as the emergency backup to Josh Harding, as Nicklas Backstrom was declared out for personal reasons, and their AHL tender, Matt Hackett, was not due in from Houston until after the game had ended.  The reason why I have refrained from using the goalie's name for so long is because its so funny.  This post literally just writes itself when you hear these details. 


But, on another note, really NHL? How the fuck does that happen.  The article says that this dude didn't even start playing goalie until he was 37.  37 fucking years old.  How the fuck did the Wild even hear about him?  Through word-of-mouth from his Men's Hockey League?  If that was true there's no way I wouldn't have been brought up to the Knicks yet for my Rec Basketball League Prowess.  Is it because he's like best friends with the GM?  Is it because he banged one of the predators' wives and it would be funny to have him suit up and piss the dude off?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Maybe its because I hardly even skimmed that article, maybe it explains, but I'm not going to read it, you can if you want.  


Anyway, can you imagine how much this old dude bragged to his boys when he got called.  "Oh yeah I'd love to play tonight, Theodore (old person's name) but I can't, the Wild just called and they said they've been unhappy with their goalie play so, naturally, they told me to suit up."  That's fucking outrageous.  If I were him I would have been the cockiest asshole in the world for months.  He "runs a screen printing and embroidery store in a St. Paul suburb".  If you think I'm coming into work for the rest of... ever then you're sadly, sadly mistaken.  Or if I did, it would be simply to produce a million flyers and pillowcases that read "Fuck Everyone Else, I'm a Fucking Professional Athlete, Bitch" (Note all the caps).  I would have divorced my old ass wife, presumably named either Gertrude or Agnes, and went on a 3-4 month drug-doing, binge-drinking, bar-hitting, younger-woman-slaying bender that would have rivaled Charlie Sheen and Josh Hamilton.  Seriously though, it would have been like I had won the god damn Stanley Cup, Lombardi Trophy, World Series, and NBA Championship all in the same night when I got that call.  Call the strippers and the coke dealers, because its game over.


I would have acted like a dick.  Like an asshole.  Like a.... Douchebag!


The guys name is Paul Deutsch.  Your welcome for leaving that joke until the end.



-ACL Blues

Not all Quiet on the QB front: Rex Ryan gets in Dirty Sanchez's head, Orton Looking for a New Home, I still hate Tebow

Yeah, I write a lot about football.  Yeah, I neglect a lot of other important sporting events.  Yeah we haven't even touched a college sporting event yet (I'll write about how fucking awesome the SEC is soon, and the UNC vs. Kentucky basketball game next week).  But guys, I'm trying.  Can someone please tell Blaine that my two years of JV football (Varsity Kickoff) make me qualified to write about the NFL each and every day?  I totaled exactly 3 tackles in the 2008 season on kickoff so I was a regular Vince Papale out there.  If Tim Hasselbeck is PAID to be an ESPN analyst then I should at least get to write about football when I want to.  Seriously, the only reason I even know that he was in the NFL at some point is because when I would simulate fantasy drafts after the first 10 rounds in Madden he would always be my third string QB.  Literally every time.  Anyway, there's a lot of pretty hilarious news out there beginning with Jaba the Jet.

I have only taken a few little potshots at that big fat idiot Rex Ryan so far, but I'm sure you've picked up on my hatred for him.  I hate people that say, "Hey he's just a regular guy! He's like one of us!"  No.  He's not.  I refuse to believe that a "regular guy" in the United States is a 6'3" 320 pound dude whos undergone weight-loss surgery and who eats 7,000 calories per day.  Plus, has everyone forgot about the feet incident?  I won't even link that shit because if you haven't seen it, its disturbing enough that I will refuse to aid you in your search.  I cannot begin to tell you how weird I think foot fed people are.  Like what happened to you as a child, bro?  Were you forced to walk through like burning ashes and broken glass every day and then lick your own feet? This dude is a real asshole.  So the recent story goes like this: He started giving Mark Brunell, the 58-year-old QB reps as the starter this week in practice. You know what the perfect tool is to fix your starting QB who's lacking confidence?  Start taking reps away from him!  Threaten him! That's genius!  Last time he did that Sanchez said, and I'm literally quoting here, "I wanted to fight him."  So, when your team is falling quickly toward the cellar, you know what to do, create a controversy between your "franchise" quarterback and your head coach. But Rex guaranteed a Superbowl this year so he obviously knows what he's doing.

Kyle Orton has also been waived, and for some reason there's like a Kyle Orton Sweepstakes out there.  I mean it sort of makes sense when Ty Palko, VY, Leinart, Brunell?, Skelton, and Caleb Hanie are all starters this weekend.  Still, I mainly put this portion of the post in so that I could put these hilarious pictures of Kyle up (Can't you just imagine his college buddies pronouncing his name like Kahhhhhl brooooo):

 Alright this is getting long so let me rap this up with some more Tebow hate.  Jake "The Snake" Plummer said on some Denver radio show that: "I think when he accepts the fact that we know that he loves Jesus Christ, then I think I'll like him a little better. I don't hate him because of that, I just would rather not have to hear that every single time he takes a good snap or makes a good handoff."  Can we clap it up for the snake here, telling it like it is?  We all know what he was trying to say here was "I will like him a little better once Tebow starts slaying all those girls that really really really want him to fill them."  Tebow responded by saying something about how he loves Jesus like a husband loves his wife.  I guess that's honorable and stuff.  I still hate him though, and until he re-routes those beautiful women knocking down his door to my house, I will always side with this man:

The reason why I've been ripping the blog world so hard lately is mainly because I'm on Martha's Vineyard for Thanksgiving break and it SUCKS here, so being the selfless man that I am, I might as well give the people what they want.

 NEW UPDATE: Chiefs claim Orton, concluding their trifecta of the three most hilarious QB's in the league (I already told you about Palko and Orton, and here's Ricky 'Captain America' Stanzi.

-ACL Blues

Out Of The Womb and Onto The Ice: The Sidney Crosby Story

Yes, that title is completely derived from the brilliant movie Blades of Glory, but I'm not worried about it.  So with the NBA players still filled with greed, my attention is turning to the NHL, and this week, most prominently Sidney Crosby's lucrative return.

So pretty much during the 2011 Winter Classic game Crosby, who also happens to be the most talented offensive player in the league, got blindsided and suffered some major concussion symptoms.  Really fucking major concussions symptoms, so fucking major he missed 10 months on the ice.  So before his return game, which was two days ago against the Islanders, many skeptics were questioning if Crosby could perform to his original level, or if he would be afraid of contact (he has always been a pussy anyway).  Crosby shut those critics the fuck up faster than Ovechkin finds a loose Russian women.  He made a great defensive play and then scored a phenomenal backhand goal in the first 4 minutes of the game, and then finished the game with 2 goals and 2 apples.

Crosby may be a pretty big pussy, but I respect talent, and I also respect injuries due to concussions. What Crosby did with this return game was make himself impossible to rip on.  Sure he has taken photo shoots like this:

And grows facial hair worse than me:

But come on, he gets blindsided at game that doesn't even count for anything, and gets concussion symptoms for 10 god damn months. Yet he comes back despite his critics and puts on a scoring clinic.  So yea, Crosby is a pretty big bitch, but he is also so good at hockey, no matter what the circumstances, that I can respect him now.  So maybe it was good for Crosby to get concussed worse than Jahvid Best does on a regular basis because now he has something to argue his toughness with.  Good work Sid, good work, you proved to the world you aren't a 100% pussy.

-Blaine Swaggert  

Oh also, I guess I'm required to give Monica a shoutout...congratulations Monica you ruined this entire post...

Guest Blogger Bourbon Meyer: He's my Older, Less Goodlooking Brother

My brother is recently home from college.  I know what you're saying: ACL Blues is the only top-tier journalist that I ever want to read for the rest of my entire life.  Believe me, it's not the first time I've heard that.  He wrote a post with about 5 people on the Guest Blogger wait-list and we're using straight nepotism to expedite his post that has nothing to do with sports to the top.  Anyway, yeah you can probably tell through his writing style that he's not as good-looking, well-spoken, athletic, smart, or kind as I am.  Also, it probably becomes evident that he's not nearly as good at arts and crafts, cooking, household duties, driving, or playing instruments.  But hey, give him a shot, he invented the use of nacho-cheese-flavored-doritos in nachos, so you know he's not a complete idiot.  Here's my brother (And I'm just so proud of him!), Bourbon Meyer just in time for Thanksgiving (Intro by yaaaa boyyy):

The fourth Thursday in November marks one of my favorite holidays of the year. Obviously it doesn’t hold a candle to Christmas (because of the presents) and can’t hack it with Halloween (because of the sluttiness). But regardless, Turkey Day is a pretty mother fucking important holiday. I’m not exactly sure of the origin of celebration but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with Christopher Columbus throwing a P. Diddy style yacht party on the Santa Maria to let the Indians know that Europeans were here and they were fucking ready to party. Either way, Thanksgiving is a great time to go home from school, take a break from the daily alcohol grind and focus on the truly important things in life: appreciating what we have, spending time with your family, and mentally preparing for the finals that await you back at your respective institutions of higher learning. Just jerking your chains. I may do some shit with my family and play with my dogs. Hell, I may even take a minute or two to reflect on how much I don’t fucking want to graduate college and do real people things like get a mortgage, apply for a job, and start taking baby aspirin to prevent heart attacks, but none of these things will keep me from my ultimate goal of getting absolutely shit-housed with my high school buddies.

Thanksgiving vacation provides a unique opportunity for the college going population (community college doesn’t fucking count). If you’re like me you’ve got a solid group of friends at school and at home (I’ve got like 6 friends at school and an additional 3 and a half at home). The interests of these groups may differ slightly, but if you are at all cool then both your home friends and school friends enjoy a bit of good ol’ fashioned American binge drinking. You’ve been away from your friends for a few months working on your chug mechanics and beer monstering form and you want to put on a performance like you’re John Daly at the god damned Natural Ice Open. That being said, it is important to remember that you don’t want to come off as a hardo (yeah that means hard on for all you ignant bitches). Don’t be the kid who had his first Milly Lite senior year of high school, joined a third tear frat at Tufts University, and now claims that he can drink more beers than Wade Boggs on a transcontinental flight (Ba-ZIINGGGG, sorry about that last one, I got fucking nothing). Anyway, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is supposed to be the biggest drinking day of the year and I’m not gonna be the one who stays home jerking off, playing fucking Call of Duty while all of my friends detonate cans of grape Joose and vomit in their ex-girlfriends’ purses.

The best part of going out the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is that you have the best possible day ahead of you. Sure you may have to wake up before noon to drive to aunt Loraine and uncle Theodore’s house for dinner, but once you get there, you know that all you will be required to do is veg out on he couch and destroy heart-attack-inducing amounts of gravy-drenched turkey and stuffing. Now let me preface the advice I am about to give you by saying that I do not condone nor do I use any form of illegal drug, but from what I’ve heard, indulgence in a certain controversial, leafy, and aromatic substance does wonders for any proper thanksgiving festival. Not only does a quick wake and bake prime you for a day of savage calorie consumption but from what I’ve heard from my substance-abusing friends, ingestion of the devils lettuce eradicates even the harshest of hangovers.

So in terms of thanksgiving break I advise you to live it up, slurp it down, and roll up a nice white and spicy to enjoy behind aunt Sarah’s garage in between football games.

Monday Night Football Preview: Elite Quarterback Comparison

All great champions need a force of evil to rise up against.  Harry Potter had Voldemort. The US had Russia. Lakers had that dumb team that wore green. Yankees had the Red Sox. Heaven has Hell. God has Satan. Tyler Palko has Tom Brady.  Tyler Palko is my second favorite quarterback named Tyler to ever play for the Chiefs, behind the infamous Tyler Thigpen.  I will sidestep no questions on my fanhood.  I am a New York sports fun until I die in every sport.  I love the yanks, the knicks, the rangers, hell I'll even watch a Johnnies game if their on.  But in football, I had the pleasure of watching the X-Factor, Dante Hall, at my friends birthday party when I was like 8.  I remember it because I have a picture of myself, looking like a legally-challenged kid sporting an Allen Iverson jersey at the football game.  (Little aside here, your boy ACL Blues wore that jersey every single day from age 5-9.  School, Iverson Jersey.  My family is taking me out to dinner with the President of the US, Iverson Jersey.  Church, Iverson Jersey.  That's a lie I don't go to church, have you read the Tebow article?)  Anyway, since that day I have been a diehard KC Chiefs fan.

Back to the Palko situation.  Here at UTBR we're very very engaged in deep deep statistical analysis.  Therefore, I organized this little comparison of these two quarterbacks.  I don't think anyone is going to argue that they're both elite, obviously Palko a little more than Brady, but you can see for yourself in the statistical breakdown (totally unbiased):

2011 Completion Percentage:

Brady: 238/360, 66.1%

Palko: 5/7, 71.4%

Advantage: TPalko baby.  Brady take a seat with your little 66.1% completion percentage.  While Brady is sinking more balls into the stands tonight, Palko will be browsing the stands to find a girl to sink his balls into, after throwing completions that is, and would ya looky there, there's Giselle!

2011 Interceptions:

Brady: 10

Palko: 0

Advantage: TPalks wins again.  0 interceptions? It don't get no better than 0 INT's. Marshawn would say that's solid.  Hey Brady, when Brandon Flowers and Kendrick Lewis are running by you on Pick 6's tonight, you might want to start looking over you're shoulder at that Mallett kid.  The Patriots may want to start taking the team in another direction.

Career Rushing Average Yards Per Carry:

Brady: 350 attempts, 644 yards, 1.8 yards per carry

Palko: 3 rushes, 13 yards, 4.3 yards per carry

Advantage:  Isn't Brady supposed to be a hall-of-famer, because Palko seems to have the statistical advantage in nearly every category on paper.  Brady can keep waddling around out there with his Hellen Keller sprinting ability.  Palko looks like that super-athletic meat-head from High School who's schedule consisted of Health with the football coach, Creative Writing, Gym, Independent Study on Sexual Intercourse, and The Psychological Effects of Facial Hair.  Have a looksee:

Curses said on National TV:

Brady: 0

Palko: 1

Advantage: Palko edges out Brady yet again, albeit by a slim margin this time.  Apparently this badass dude was just dropping F-Bombs like they were going out of style after he beat the fightin' Irish during his Pitt days.  That's awesome. It's not awesome when Rex Ryan does it because he's fat, but it's definitely awesome when Palks does it.

Anyway, it really is a tale of 2 QB's tonight, and the stats speak for themselves.  Palko is battle-tested and ready to play and I'm just not quite sold on Brady's resume as an elite quarterback in this league.  Blaine Swaggert is prolly gonna come on here in a minute and whine about how Brady has better hair. Its not true, look at this shit:

I think the chiefs are actually 14.5 point dogs in this game.  Can you believe it?  Clearly they don't have  someone of my caliber doing their statistical analysis.  Take the tribe.  Happy monday to everyone, and Go Chiefs.  Palko will find stardom tonight.

-ACL Blues

Eli Ramming: Uncut to the Gut

So me and Blainey Swagswag have this friend who's just a ruthless savage.  He recently took his talents to Miami University (No not U, the other one in Ohio) where it seems he's continued his trend of animalistic behavior with some less-than-desirable sexual encounters sprinkled in.  Anyway, without further adue (is that how you spell it, fuck it thats not even a real American word) here's the kid uncensored, unedited, and uncut.  (Intro made by your boy, ACL Blues)

How being an ass man helped my intramural basketball career, an informative study, by 
Eli Ramming. 

I’m an ass man, not a tits man, but an ass man and when I’m not taking a shit, playing diamonds on my iphone while simultaneously passing insurmountable amounts of filtered alcohol through my bowels, well, I’m thinking about asses. I’m not the dude who marvels at the size of the ass as much as the shape and symmetry of the overall bum. A smooth transition beginning with the always-necessary lower back dimples pouring into the mounding orbs that fall into the upper thigh, a spectacle of spectacles if nature and good genetics permit. 
When presented with such a rear the worst thing to do is to feel intimidated, instead a line that’ll flex any cheek, “All those curves, and me with no breaks.” Once the line is dropped you’ll be propelled in the wildest, thrust-happy night of your life, unless you’re drunk, there are no emotions when you’re drunk, just a stone-faced, plowing machine. 
So what the shit does this obsession with asses have to do with athletics or athletics performance? Well I recently signed up for an intramural basketball team at my university, competitive league because I aint a bitch. I noticed my first game I was putting up Tre Black type numbers, play far more higher than my white, Jewish basketball ability would previously allow. 20 points, 2 steals, 2 blocks, 4 apples my first game, similar numbers the second and third, what the fuck? This spike in ability had to derive from somewhere. That weekend I went out, got plastered and brought back a 7 maybe 8, kicked my roommate out, and things got interesting. I sat by my desk, popped open my lap top and played the song “Wicked Games” by The Weekend. Flicking my chin up in the air and plumping my lips I told this chick, “Let me see that ass” as she with what remaining coordination she had in her pulled down her skirt revealing my prize, a great ass, and it only cost me 3 shots. It all made sense now, this information coming at me like a spidey sense, my basketball ability was attested to my recent obsession with asses. I had carried out this act of seduction 3 weekends in a row, all demanding that I see their asses and for all three times I scored a shit-load of buckets. I must have sucked in high school because I would jump right into the plowing but in college it’s about the pageantry of it, and with every great pageant, comes a great ass. Now that I was tapped into the source of my basketball abilities it was asses all week. Asses in classes, asses on the internet, asses in the dining hall, asses on asses on asses. Asses pay dividends. So if your going out for the team, keep your head up, your eyes low and don’t be afraid to swing the bat.

NFL Sunday Night Preview

It’s Sunday, and in America that means good old pigskin.  Tonight’s primetime game is between the Philadelphia Eagles and the New York Giants.  Now, although the Eagles have been on their knees this whole season, this game is still going to be wet and wild.  First of all, we all know the entire Giants special teams defense cannot wait to get its ankles shattered all over again, and Vick’s ribs are more tender than luxurious Chinese ribbon silk.  A lot of fun random factors in this matchup, so I am going to break it down a bit.

Quarterbacks:

Vince Young, Eagles- I doubt Vick’s sorry ass has shown up for a full game of snaps this whole season, so it’s no surprise his bitch rib injury is keeping him out.  Now this means the one and only Vince Young is leading a team that’s in more disarray than his own NFL career onto the field.  Letting Vince’s lifeless corpse play QB is no better than picking some fan out of the god damn stands. Well, actually Vince playing might be worse because most NFL fans don’t runaway from practice facilities, or throw their shoulder pads and jersey into the stands after losing a game. 

 

Eli Manning, Giants- With Eli very slowly learning the basic math equation, ‘Throwing off your back foot when running away from pressure = Interception”, he will most likely put up some decent numbers while keeping up his huge pussy persona. Keep in mind Eli is against a group of corners that have taken it upon themselves to tarnish any impressive performances from last year.  Then again, I also hate Eli with a passion, so heres hoping Trent “The Hunter” Cole blasts Eli’s kidneys with his facemask. 

Running Backs:

LeSean McCoy, Eagles- LeSean has been defining the term electric all season, and will most likely continue doing so against Justin Tuck’s pathetic attempt at defense the past two weeks.  Keep in mind the Eagles have led the league in rushing yards a game.

Brandon Jacobs, Giants-Well he’s pretty much a Linebacker taking snaps as a RB, and it works pretty damn well.  He will be a force on the goal line for sure, and it’s always fun to watch him topple defensive backs.

Wide Receivers:

DeSean Jackson, Eagles-After taking a steaming dump on the Giants special teams last year, he will probably be hoping for a similar result.  This won’t happen.  Djax is a spoiled brat, who happens to be really fucking fast, and the Giants won’t let him get open tonight.  Although, the Eagles have plenty of other weapons, such as Maclin, I’d still be worried with Vince throwing passes more inaccurate than Joel Anthony's mid-range jumper. 

Giants Receivers- No specificity here. The Giants have a good group of athletic receivers, and I’m sure they will do fine.  Hopefully for Giants fans Nicks doesn’t let another TD pass slip through his fingers.

Defense:

Eagles- The Eagles D isn’t even that bad, they’re ranked 13^th in yards allowed per game.  What is bad though, is that pathetic excuse of a linebacker core. They blow.  Also, their defensive backs have been a bigger letdown than The Godfather 3.

Giants- The Giants D is ranked 18^th in yards per game, which is pretty shitty.  But they wont have to worry about Vick, and instead will have to focus on the mongoloid man-child Vince Young, who has less speed in his step than Chad Ochocinco (I don’t take Spanish).  Yea, the Giants D will probably do fine. 

Results:

Giants win 27-17.

-Blaine Swaggert

NHL State of the Union: King Henrik, Flames Prospect is sick

So hockey has been more neglected on this site than it has been on ESPN for the last decade, which is saying something.  The rangers have been on a tear lately, winning 7 in a row which means 2 things: Tortorella hasn't even freaked out at the media yet this season, and that Henrik Lunqvist has been the best player on the ice so far.  The Rangers have allowed the fewest goals in the league this year, and its not even close.  Now part of this is due to the fact that everyone on the rangers (excluding Gabby and Richards) has been trained to play like a 3rd line scumbag that dumps the puck in constantly and throws more bows in the corners than Pacman throws 20's at nightclubs.  Girardi, Prust, and Cally have continued to lie down in front of 95 mile-per-hour clappers at an alarmingly unhealthy rate, which is to be expected at this point.  However, the other part is due to that Swedish heartbreaker, King Henrik.  Can you say Vezina Trophy?  No seriously, can you say it, I still don't know how to pronounce it and its become one of those words that I'm afraid to say in public because I don't want to sound like an idiot when I butcher it.

In other news, this dude who was drafted 45th in the NHL draft last year by the Calgary flames had a spectacular goal the other night, immediately garnering him the prestigious honors of my new favorite player on the Idrottsföreningen Kamraterna i Helsingfors.  Seriously though, how the fuck does the NHL draft work?  Like, in the NFL draft you take a look at insane athletes from the SEC and Big 12 conferences, and in the NBA draft you check up on UNC, Duke, and UConn to see how those players are doing (unless you're looking for a three-point specialist, then you go to the hockey countries).  But in Hockey you have to really span the globe.  Canada and the U.S. are a start but then you have to travel to Sovietsville to scout the KHL (Kruschev Hockey League?), and some other Eastern European countries that I'm too ignorant to pronounce the names of.  That's fucking terrible, like I thought it was weird enough that the NHL picks kids straight out of High School in the first round and then waits like 6 years for them to "mature" before they can play.  It's super frustrating for fans when they have to wait so long for a player they want to see right now.  That's why I propose this idea: Make me an NHL GM, did you hear that NHL commissioner? I'm not quite sure what your name is but its probably something like Rogergoodell Ofhockey.  So Mr. Ofhockey, I will collect all your premature NHL stars and start my own squad.  Think it over, I would sell out stadiums with my band of uber-skilled physically underdeveloped foreigners.  Just think it over, yeah its a shitty idea but it wouldn't be your first bad decision (Matt Cooke is still alive) or you're second (the Versus channel).


-ACL Blues

Tom Brady’s Slampiece and Why Supermodeling is a Sport

            Hopefully you have stopped staring at the downright pre-worthy picture above, and have finally decided to let yourself read this article.  Well let me get right down to it then, not only is Tom Brady the best QB of all time, he gets to go home to that.  And she cooks.  So when some of you hack job idiots will probably try to argue against my comment that Brady is the best QB of all time, no one will argue that sweet Gisele is a downright smokeshow.  Now let me tell you something, staying that fucking hot is a sport. 

            What’s harder: Hitting the gym everyday to put on bulk muscle mass to then lift more weights, or hitting the gym after having a baby so the entire world can look at your shapely legs and then feel like utter shit about themselves.  Hint: it’s the second option I gave you.  Not only does being a supermodel require a downright absurd work ethic that spans all day everyday, but also the entire world is watching.  Not just this but now imagine absorbing nothing but celery, cottage cheese, and most likely coke to stay trim.  Oh wait, here is another thing, they have to travel 24/7 to dangerous and exotic locations so they can frolic in turquoise blue waters. With all these difficult facets of being a model are summed up it is certainly harder than a lot of other sports.  Take that pussy ‘sport’ golf for example; sure I can do nothing but a hobby too.  So to whatever absolute chimp-brained bum tickler who thinks that supermodeling isn’t a sport, he clearly has no appreciation for the work put into those brilliant photos all so his blatant disregarding ass can get a chub.

Besides, this blog needed some hot chicks too.

-Blaine Swaggert

Thursday Night Football Preview: Crucify Tebow

It's Thursday night but it's still football night in America, thank god.  The Jets are playing in Invesco Field at Mile High in Denver in what is sure to be a good ol' fashioned non-consensual rape-beatdown hybrid.  Listen, I do not want to start getting political or religious on here at all, but if this contradicts your beliefs then I am prepared to lose you as a follower.  It's a risk I'm willing to take.  Tim Tebow is a pussy.  He is a virgin, and he is a pussy.  Now, let's be clear here, the reasons for which he is a pussy do not stem from the fact that he is a virgin.  The reason why he is a pussy is because he is a professional mother fucking athlete and he has blue-eyed blondes from Colorado throw themselves at him on the daily.  Even my ugly-as-sin friend managed to get like three quarters of a handjob from a girl in the back of his mom's volvo one time and he plays like JV Quarterback as a senior in High School, two towns away from mine.  Chicks love QB's.  Tim Tebow has 2 national championship rings and a cult of crazy Rocky-Mountain Aspen Ski Princesses that probably follow his every move.  What kind of man turns those sort of opportunities down?  No man, anywhere, ever.
That's why it's up to you Rex Ryan, even though my hatred for you burns with the white-hot intensity of 1000 suns, to make this QB atone for his atrocious sins against men everywhere.  I think I speak for men everywhere when I say that the only thing held in lower regards than what Tiger Woods did, is what Tim Tebow is doing currently.  You can almost hear the blue-balled screams of men everywhere when Tebow tells a girl "Nah baby I know, but I just can't.  I'm sorry."  As a kid who's lived 18 years perpetually in the friend-zone of beautiful women, I won't stand for it.  Do you hear me Jets defense? HEAR MY CRIES! AVENGE THESE MISDEEDS!
So for all four of you that stuck with me all the way to this point of the post without being too offended you're a real trooper.  Anyway, to wrap up here we'll go over the gameplan for New York's other team:

Offense: Broncos are gonna bring the heat with those two savage pass rushers off the edge (Von Miller and Elvis Dumerveil) so Sanchez should get the ball out of his hands quick (which won't be a problem for him because he only throws check-downs).

Defense: Stack the Box against the Broncos' Read-Option.  I'm thinking Tebow and his noodle arm may have a tough time throwing to Eric Decker when hes stranded on Revis Island.

I think the Jets are -5 this game so I (having absolutely no experience in the world of sports gambling... we're talking absolutely 0 here people) would probably take that.

P.S.  Time Tebow's still starting for my Fantasy team tonight.  That's right, I'm not above that.

- ACL Blues

Jaromir Jagr's Guide To A Successful Movember

In the NHL, Movemeber has become an opportune month for players to showcase their charity efforts, but more importantly, their ‘womb broom’ growing ability.  It must be noted, however, that a successful Movember is decided on by two factors: The gloriousness of the stache’ itself, and the player’s general persona.  Now for sad chumps like me who cannot even dream of growing a mustache, and whose Norweigan father and grandfather also cannot dream of facial growth, Movember has become the epitome of exclusion.  Yet, this wont stop me from writing about it, and it also wont stop me from writing about Jaromir Jagr, and his downright impressive Movember showcase.

Jaromir Jagr is a Czech hockey player for the Philadelphia Flyers, and he is also a complete and utter badass.   Sure his NHL stats are impressive, 5 time leading point scorer, won an MVP, back-to-back Stanley Cup titles, 7 First All-Star Teams, and an Olympic gold medal.  What overwhelms these statistics is his unheralded ability to grow facial hair like a champ.  On top of this everyone knows that Fu Manchus are considered one of the most elite and high-end pussy magnets on the market. Observe:

He is also known for his extreme gambling addiction. He was reported to owe 950,000 Euros in debt to two different online gambling websites in 2001, as well as 2.7 million in tax debts.  Later on, he was also required to pay 350,00 Euros in 2003 and then failed to settle up.  So maybe the one thing Jagr cannot do is settle debts (still hasn't made up for that hit Ovechkin laid on him in the Olympics), but Jagr’s is only actually guilty of ripping apart the NHl, slamming Czech babes, and growing facial hair that puts other men to shame.  I’d say his one weakness appears in this quote, when he said, "We all know what would happen if the young did not practice any sport. If children practice some sport, they do not have time for other things such as alcohol."  While this quote is indeed ridiculous, let us not fail to worship Jagr for what he really is, a mustached badass straight out of mother fucking Czechoslovakia (who may or may not have a gambling addiction).


-Blaine Swaggert

Andy Rautins' NBA Lockout Strategy

Well Occupy Manhattan, oh I'm sorry I mean the NBA Players Union (Boom!), decertified yesterday.  I literally have no idea what this means and I don't pretend to like all the kids up on their ivory towers that think they're experts in labor relations.  However, I do know that Stern and D. Fish fucked a bunch of recession-stricken, out-of-luck people out of one of their favorite sports for a whole year.  This also means that the NBA will be giving like 500 highly overpaid dudes in their mid-twenties free reign to do whatever they want for AN ENTIRE YEAR with no fiscal consequences.  Yikes.

I am coming off two consecutive ACL surgeries so the most athletic thing that I've done in the past 11 months is write this blog (and I just started doing this yesterday).  Anyway, it’s a really unhealthy lifestyle when you can treat your body horribly without any commitments to athletics, and constantly have an excuse about it.  Well, this is exactly what's happening with the NBA players but times 1,000.  "Dwight, why are you going out in Orlando for the 16th night in a row? Don't you think that's unhealthy for you?" "It's alright Stern locked me out, no parents, no commitments!"  Listen, I don't want to take sides in this whole matter but... its definitely the players fault.  Owners took an estimated 300 millions dollars in losses last year while the likes of Timofey Mozgov and Travis Outlaw made over 5 mill.  Thats like Steve Jobs taking a huge 300 million dollar hit every year while that asshole trendy hipster at the genius bar that fucking NEVER gives you a new phone (those rumors that you always hear about are false) makes 5 million dollars to spend on new v-necks and designer jeans.  Yeah that was a run-on sentence.

Anyway, time to get to the main part of this post: Andy Rautins, New York Knicks towel-waving white-boy, is living at home with his parents during the NBA lockout.  That’s pretty fucking hilarious.  He says that he's "actually saving a lot of money".  Oh really Andy? You mean drinking keystone in upstate New York with your High School buddies is cheaper than having to pay for Melo's shots of Ciroc at the bars in the city? So, while those idiots down in south beach blow their billion dollar contracts on supermodels and bar tabs, Rautins will be fucking all those High School chicks that wouldn’t have even looked at his red hair in High School and detonating Busch lights in the living rooms of sophomore girls.

-ACL Blues