Ray Edwards: A Man, A Modeling Career, and His Stripper

As of late, I've been less productive on this blog than Blaine Gabbert in the 4th quarter of an away game.  Well, don't worry, I'm back with an absolutely remarkable discovery; Ray Edwards, DE for the Atlanta Falcons, commissioned an oil based portrait of him and his stripper girlfriend.  And it's fucking hilarious.  Lets have a looksy here:

"The phone in my limo is broken, and I can't get a hold of my bitches"

Yes, I decided this picture was worthy of the extra large feature.  Besides the fact that it features a tattooed stripper (wearing nothing but dental floss) getting sweetly caressed by an NFL player, there is also a great back story.


Ray Edwards was drafted in the 4th round to the Minnesota Vikings and played pretty average for a few years.  He had a breakout performance in 09, and was then tossed about between teams where he eventually landed on the Falcons. He has played very average this whole season (2 sacks 23 tackles).  Along with this shitty play, Rays has been busted by the NFL for steroids.  Heres, what Ray hasn't been busted for, being a god damn survivalist.  He knows his career is looking grim, but he has an idea.  Something of wonderment, something of Man Vs Wild ingenious, something of boyish charm; why not try to start a modeling career with you and your bodacious stripper (and also commission some of the photos into hilarious paintings).  The results illustrate Ray's never back down attitude.

Ray's versatility, resilience, and ingenious provides a source of inspiration for all of us.  Let us hope for a lucrative and long modeling career for Ray and his stripper.  Wait, hold on, just found out her name, and it lives up to expectations.  LaStarya Thompson.  I'll say it again, LaStarya Thompson.  God Bless you, Ray, and your modeling career.

-Blaine Swaggert

Championship Saturday Review: Keenum, RGIII, and Duh Hunnybadga

Tyrann D. Mathieu.  Now there's a specimen for you. When I get married I would allow him to impregnate my wife in the hopes that my weak-kneed, average athletic genes are replaced by ones of blinding speed, 50" verticals, the desire to just behead people on the football field, and I'd put up with the yellow mohawk thing as well.  He is the man.  Sure he probably gained more yards on punt returns in that game than total points on his SAT exam, but I would DEFINITELY party with this dude.  Can you imagine how fucking wild he is?  Like, is there an amount of beer that Tyrann Mathieu can't drink?  Is there an amount of women that he can't sleep with?  I don't think so.  This dude is a superhuman.   He is like the Anti-Palko.  The Dawgs came out pumped.  Aaron Murray threw 2 TDs that his dumbass receivers dropped.  I don't know the actual names of the receivers but when I play with them in NCAA 12 in Road to Glory mode their names are Justin Jackson and LaShawn Johnson if that helps out at all (which it won't).  But after that, the Honeybadger just started straight up killing them on PR's with a 62 yard TD and then another like 40-yarder where he broke in excess of 42 tackles.  My favorite part of the Honeybadger though is that he seems like he is just out there fucking around.  He never celebrates with his teammates whenever they make a good play, he just rides his little stationary bike and when they put him out there he just finds the ball on defense, and finds the endzone on special teams. I could almost hear him today just being like "Coach, this corner shit is too easy.  I wanna play runnin' back."  I would've let him too.

Case Keenum, the cinderella story QB of U of Houston, finally lost to Southern Miss' and his inadequate play was solely eclipsed by how many times they showed his fucking sister in the crowd.  Case throws TD... pan to sister jumping and cheering.  Case throws interception... pan to sister running fingers through hair and looking distressed.  I. Don't. Fucking. Care.  It was bordering on a Eva Longoria-Tony Parker or a Ray Allen-Ray Allen's Mom situation and I couldn't stand it.  Also, Case Keenum is in his sixth fucking year.  That's not fair at all.  What if they gave Tyrann six years?  The leading cause of death in the U.S. would be "death by quickslant".  Thats sort of bullshit, but I like Case either way.  P.S. how about that Southern Miss' coach calling a flanker pass when he's up 21 with 2 minutes left?  What a dick.

Finally, RGIII was awesome today as Baylor beat Texas 48-24.  I don't get why this guy isn't higher in the Heisman ratings, but I guess they're already giving that one away to Luck.  All he does is put up huuuuge numbers and play like a fucking boss on National TV.  I think he'll probably be the second best quarterback in the draft behind the "sure thing" Luck but ahead of a sure-to-be Sanchez 2.0 in Barkley, Landry Jones who just doesn't look that good, and Case Keenum who's been playing the likes of Lousiana Tech and North Texas all season.


So guys, how are you liking this newfound diversity?  Are the college sports posts doing it for you or should we stick to the pros?  Oh right, I won't find out because no one ever comments except for Buckflogger, who insists on reading our blog every day solely to make fun of us (Although he does make me laugh on occasion).

-ACL Blues

College Basketball Article? You bet. Kentucky vs. UNC Game Review

I'm the most versatile blogger out here right now.  Football, hockey, basketball, college football, college basketball, baseball, golf, whatever you want I'm going to serve it up hot.  And by serving it up hot I mean that I would really really entertain myself and most likely let down the entirety of my readership.  But, I digress.  Kentucky just beat UNC by one point in Lexington and let me tell you those southern Kentucky Rednecks were out in fucking FULL force today.  I got nothing against a little day drinking at all, but I could pretty much smell the alcohol 1500 miles away coming from this stadium full of people named Cletus.  It was downright disturbing.  And by disturbing I mean impressive.  My mom recently vetoed my plan to apply strictly to SEC schools for college, which I was a little upset about, so I was a little biased toward Coach Williams and the Tarheels in this one. But, let's get down to the headlines of this one.

Coach Calipari is the man.  I would love these rumors of Cal to the Knicks to be true.  That being said, he definitely has committed in excess of 30 NCAA recruiting violations.  When 5-star rated 6'11 freaks keep banging down your door to come to a school that hasn't won a national title in 13 years you know Cal has to have the board of trustees throwing yellow hummers and NYC penthouses at these kids right and left.  He's cool but he's got this sort of sleezy look about him, not unlike that agent from He Got Game. Gold? Fuhgetaboutit.  Silver? Fuhgetaboutit, Coach Cal is going to make it rain more platinum rolexes than fell out of Billy Madison's piñata at his 3rd grade graduation party (I'm feeling these movie references today). 

Harrison Barnes was trying to be Michael Jordan down the stretch and just ended up with 14 points and 2 rebounds.  They're definitely going to need more from him if they want to bring home an ACC title.  Anyway, with 15 seconds left they call like the worst play I've ever seen.  They go to big goofy Tyler Zeller in the post.  He immediately loses the ball (not unsurprisingly) but it magically gets into the hands of John Henson with about 7 seconds left.  Henson goes ahead and just straight up panics.  He just tosses it at the basket without putting it on the floor, and it gets blocked by Anthony Davis.  Cue the announcers carrying on about how dumb it was for him to shoot it with so much time left.  Oh yeah? Was it dumb?  Well what would you have done with crazy alien unibrow coming after you?

You would have panicked.  I would have panicked.  People are not supposed to look like that.  Shit is disgusting.  In addition, the announcers said that a year ago Anthony Davis was a 6'2" guard thinking about attending Cleveland State, and that he grew eight inches in one year, making him a 6'10 Power Forward at Kentucky.  Are you kidding me? This guy must be an alien, and I'm not talking about the kind from Mexico.  Keep your eyes out for him, he's the type of creature that, according to my knowledge accumulated through Signs and Independence Day, can end civilizations.

Hmmm maybe I'll still apply to Kentucky though...

-ACL Blues

Jerome Simpson's Quest to Win a Razzie and to Sell A Whole Lot of Marijuana

Well, if you haven't seen the video of Jerome Simpson flopping, which is one of the worse acting performance I've ever seen, here you go. Yes, it's completely heinous, but also completely hilarious.   First of all, Jerome starts off this little scuffle by dragging Scott Fujita out of a pile-up by his foot.  This is already starting to get ridiculous. Next, Scott manages to release himself form Jerome's grip and stand up (clearly pissed off that he just got dragged by his fucking foot).  He then proceeds to give Jerome a little bump, a push, a nudge, what have you, and Jerome sails.  Man does he go far.  So far in fact, that the camera loses sight of him.  The crowd loses it, Scott loses it, everyone is appalled at Jerome's childish, very soccer-esque action. The best part though, is the ref.  Man, does he blow this bad on some real levels. The ref takes a quick glance to see Jerome on the ground, and gives that whistle of his a blow and his little yellow flag a toss.  Outrage. 

Here's another really hilarious thing Jerome Simpson has done; get caught with 6 pounds of marijuana in his home, along with all the materials needed to sell said marijuana.  The official police report looked like this,

"In September 2011, police searched Simpson's home after intercepting a package to be delivered to his home containing 2 pounds of marijuana. When police arrived at Simpson's home, he allowed them to search his home. Upon searching the home, the police found 6 more pounds of marijuana, scales, empty packages similar to the one intercepted by the police."

Holy God is that a lot of weed.  I'm sure the call to the station went something like this, "Ahh shit bro, 6 pounds over here.  This guy is so fucked.  Man I'm sure he had those Bengals set though."  What probably happened was Jerome wasn't thrilled with his low-end salary in the NFL, I mean a couple hundred thousand isn't enough for Jerome.  Why not sell a little tiny bit of weed, nothing major, maybe on the side,I mean it can't hurt?  No Jerome, 8 pounds of weed and consent to sell can definitely fucking hurt. Last thing your probably wondering, how is Jerome playing in the NFL if he was busted so badly.  Well, the NFL decided to not do anything about it until the police report and legal case is officially wrapped up. Get a feeling we won't be seeing any of Jerome's acting next season...

-Blaine Swaggert 

More QB News: Josh Freeman Sprains his Thumb Shooting Guns, Light a Candle for Matt Leinart's Shoulder

The Buccaneers suck this year.  They're 4-7, and they've lost 5 in a row.  Apparently, 4 weeks ago Josh Freeman sustained a thumb injury, during a bye week activity at the shooting range.  They didn't release the report until today but Head Coach Raheem Morris had this to say: "It is what it is. These guys are 23 years old, and it's our job to make them more responsible and grow up a little bit." Raheem Morris, you got some nerve, insinuating that just because your below-average QB gets paid ludicrous amounts of money to play a sport on Sundays, that it was immature to take a couple of hours to go do a moderate-very dangerous activity.  Guys correct me if I'm wrong here (even though no one comments), but Raheem Morris is being a controlling asshole here right?  Sure, Josh Freeman sustained a shoulder injury that he probably severely aggravated in addition to fucking up his throwing thumb, but don't you know how stressful it is being the franchise quarterback for an NFL team with no chance of making the playoffs?  While all you 'normal' people just get up in the morning with nothing to worry about and punch the clock at your 9-5 backbreaking job with no health benefits Josh Freeman has to worry about super important things like if he wants to eat the $10,000 dollar fine for wearing red cleats this weekend, or whether he wants to have sex with a blonde or brunette that night.  It's a really tough life, thats why he "treats the range as a release".  Yeah that's fair.  I mean everyone has their releases.  I watch Romantic Comedies and make nachos with Tostitos, some people have spa-days, others go to the gym, Josh Freeman shoots guns at targets.


Have you ever been led on my a girl super badly? Like just teased so terribly that it makes you cry?  That's almost exactly what happened to me at around 2:20 on Sunday afternoon.  Matt Leinart made his first start since 2008.  Then, once I was fully erect, Leinart takes a tumble and comes up lame on his shoulder.  As I buried my face in my hands, I thought of one thing: How fucked up is Leinart going to get tonight?  That mildly cheered me up for a minute, but then I realized that may have been Leinart's last shot.  That could have been his last hurrah in the NFL, ever.  Who moves to the #1 partier, #1 sex symbol QB role? Sanchez? Orton? Brady? Quinn?... Palko?  No one comes close.  So raise your glass, whether its Keystone or Savignon Blanc, because we lost a great one on Sunday.  You will be missed Matty, you will be missed.  I need a release.  Time to fire up some 500 Days of Summer and melt some nacho cheese.





-ACL Blues

Cristiano Renaldo Being Sold into (Sexual) Slavery?

I just checked Wikipedia and I'm fucking positive the slave trade ended in Spain in 1833.  So this new deal regarding the 26-year-old Euro-trendster is sort of shocking.  Apparently Portugal is so far into debt that they literally have to start selling the nationalities of their citizens to other countries in Europe. Ok, that source doesn't seem like the most reputable, but it was the first link off of google so you'll have to deal with it.  I read the first two paragraphs and pretty much it says that the minister of Portugal is pretty much forgoing any chance of ever winning a World Cup ever again, and selling the face of his country, so that he can play for Spain in the next World Cup.  They said that they're going to sell his nationality to Spain for 160 million euros.  Look, I don't know much about the Portugese economy besides the fact that they most likely produce soccer balls, hair gel, and male capris in bulk.  But, I know that our national debt is like 13 trillion dollars and 160 million dollars probably wouldn't even make a dent.  This leads me to believe the Portugese and Spanish governments are not giving the entirety of the details.  In this humble blogger's opinion, Renaldo could and will be sold into the underground world of sexual solicitation.  Imagine how much girls (guys?) would pay to have sex with this:

A lot.  If Spain was to sell this bod to the people from the movie "Taken", they would make a boatload of cash.  That's why I think the deal was more like "We'll give you 160 million now, and 40% of his uhhh... earnings once he gets over here".  Now THAT would pull Portugal right out of their economic crisis.  Hell, it may even revive the Euro, look at those abs.  Anyway, it got me thinking that I should write a memo to the president offering these ideas about athletes that we could sell in order to pay off our national debt:

Kobe Bryant- $400 Million to Italy: The Italians have probably had a boner for Kobe ever since he lived there with his dad when he was growing up.  They'll probably even sell the sistine chapel in order to pay us for him.

Dwight Howard- $300 Million to China:  Listen China, you have to cut your losses on that whole Yao thing.  He's undergone 16 knee surgeries.  Its just not in the cards anymore.  However, this guy's even better.  He's only 7'1" but he can jump over like 16 Mao Zedongs stacked on top of eachother.

Patrick Kane, Ryan Miller- $200 Million to Russia:  Sorry Pat.  Sorry Ry.  You're going to have to move into Putin-land for a while why we pay off these debts.  Yes, the rumors are true.  He will kill you if you lose.  Good luck.

Hope Solo- $150 Million to North Korea:  Kim Jong-Il has a monstrous porn addiction.  He also loves winning soccer games.  Watching Hope Solo play goalie is like both of his favorite things combined into one.

Tyler Palko- 4$ to Anywhere who will take him:  Yeah, I'm still mad about Sunday night.

There you have it.  Our debt will be a thing of the past.  By the way, this will be the last UTBR post ever that headlines a soccer player.  Mark my words.

-ACL Blues

Monday Night Football Preview: Giants Sure to Get Handled

Sure, it's true, I hate the Giants, and I will never forgive them for the 2007 season.  But, does that mean I will be biased towards them on a Monday Night Football Preview, well if you read the title then, yes, obviously I will be biased, I fucking hate them.  In all fairness, the Giants have a Linebacker core that is less productive than Shaq at the free-throw line, and Eli is also horribly inconsistent.  One thing I'm sure we will all see tonight is Eli looking really fucking dejected after an errant pass, and at least one Interception. Okay, well lets break into some closer analysis.

Home Field Advantage:
The Saints are home, and are playing in the very recognizable Super Dome.  Drew Brees will most likely be shredding through the Giants linebackers like Rosie O'Donnell through a pink frosted pound cake.


Bye Week Advantage:
It's the Saints folks, they're coming off a bye and should be ready.  I'm sure Sean Payton has drawn up many a schemes that result in Jimmy Graham sailing into the end zone.  Promptly followed by an announcer telling us how Jimmy is a breakout player this year.

Results: 
Eli will be shaking his head looking like a lost puppy in the Dome, as Tom Coughlin throws a tantrum on the sideline, most likely due to horrible special teams play (People don't forget, Matt Dodge).  Drew Breeze and Jimmy Graham will connect, and maybe Mark Ingram puts up some respectable numbers against a weak linebacker group.  Also, with the Giants usually stellar pass rush resembling the Patriots before Andre "So Strawwwwnnnn" Carter, Brees will have too much time.



I'd say the score is something like 31-10, Saints

-Blaine Swaggert