A Blog War to End All Blog Wars

I’ve seen ripped off works before.  Whether it was Avatar, Lady Gaga, or anything Dane Cook has ever said, I’ve seen rip offs.  But I’ve never seen a more blatant and horrifying case of stolen property than I have today.  Here I was all dandy on a sweet vacation just enjoying myself with womanly drinks and finger food, when I get a notification more horrendous than Rosie O’Donnell’s weight loss plan.  Some assholes made a carbon copy of our blog, but a grade-A douchebag version.  This egregious blog is an exact color-copy of ours, but much worse.  This egregious blog is the Mini-Me to our Doctor Evil.  This egregious blog is the 8 oz Coke Zero to our Olympic Special Edition Coke.  This egregious blog is their Milwaukee’s Best Light to our Keystone.  This egregious blog is Simple Jack to our Forest Gump.  This egregious blog is the Richmond to our UVA.  This egregious blog is a 9 month pregnant Jessica Simpson to our Kate Upton.  This egregious blog is their “Mike’s Masturbation Guide” to our Kama Sutra.  This egregious blog is a fucking hack blog, not to mention a complete rip-off, to our creative and genuine Under The Bleacher Report.  At least get your own goddamn look, I mean for the sake of God’s Green Earth, if you had a fragment of originality in any of your un-athletic bones you would have at least changed the fucking format.  I want a written apology from all of you jamokes.  On the upside of things, I always wanted to be in a war but never in the actually military, so now I get to take part in a blog war if that means anything.  It is a shame that our opponents write and form sentences at a 4^th grade level, have zero originality, and also have a deadly allergy to humor. I am not even going to report any sports news, so I guess that makes me Chris Berman. 

-Blaine Swaggert

Pretenders Introduction... Then Onto Matt Leinart's Beach Banger and more Linsanity

In anything, in any walk of life, there are going to be people that fail to own a single fiber of creativity, or self-worth.  These people leech onto productive and original bodies and proceed to suck the lifeblood out of everything that is worth doing.  Well people, these pretenders are sadly not excluded from the blog world.  Recently, the worst site on the internet was set up, a complete and utter clone of this one, but like 15x worse.  Like now I actually know how those weird Harvard twins felt when Zuckerberg stole their shit.  Seriously, this isn't the classic case of Coke vs. Pepsi.  This isn't even a case of Coke vs. RC Cola.  This is a case of the Coca-Cola company squaring off against a company that is manufacturing Horse Urine and saying that its competition.

You know who you are.  Every single thing that you wrote on that blog, I can trace the thought process of it back to UTBR.  How dare you?  Your blog is the ugly, half-retarded step child of my blog, and I won't stand for this invasion on my intellectual property.  If you want to read analysis about sports from a bunch of kids that didn't even play them at their shitty high school, please go read their abortion of a blog.  I already forgot the name of it but I'm sure if you type in "Worst example of plagarism" into google it will be like the first or second link off there.  I also refuse to link it because I do not want to give them any additional publicity.  Stay off of my fucking internet and my free Blogger domain names.  You are a disgrace.

Wow, that feels a whole lot better.  Now on to some of the more pressing matters of the week in sports.  Can you guys guess what I'm going to talk about?  Cool, because its not that impressive seeing as I already wrote it in the title.  Matt Leinart is at it again.  Matty is back out in full effect.  According to Bustedcoverage, dude threw a huge banger at his beach house in Newport last weekend.  No surprises there.  This dude was born with a BAC of at least .08.  However, the shocking new development seems tobe that Matt Leinart is an assman.  Now, everyone knows I don't like to get political on here so I won't reveal my own allegiances to either the chest or the buttocks.  However, is anyone a little surprised that Matty is an assman?  I know I am.  I always took him for a tits guy, mainy because Matt is perpetually blackout, and its probably super tough for him to distinguish between a good butt and a bad one when his world is spinning faster than Jeremy Lin (We'll get to him later).  But then I realized that Matt Leinart is not the average man.  He can do things that no one else can, and I guess this is just another one of those things.

The media is probably going to jump all over him again, talking about how he's lazy and he should be working hard in the offseason.  Blah Blah Blah.  This dude played for like 2 quarters this season.  Don't you think he deserves a little R and R before he takes those beautiful calf-muscles and chiseled jawline back to the gridiron?  Let the man live a little, he has to deal with that weirdo Matt Schaub bossing him around the entire year, and finally thats over and you hit him with this bullshit? Well guess what Matty, you have a media friend in us, and believe me we have A LOT of pull in this field, my friend.

Also, if you haven't seen this video this Srat broad put out about requesting a date with "Jerry Lin" who plays for the "New York Giants" because she "really really likes black guys," definitely go watch that.  What a dumb betch.





I'd like to take a second to thank the haters and the duplicators for becoming my motivators.  I've never wanted to spit hot fire more than I have today.  Ruthless.

-ACL Blues

A Return to the Sports World

I have been gone from the sports world for quite awhile.  What else can you expect, I just watched the sports franchise I hate most go knuckle-deep in my beloved Patriots and once again ruin a season.  I have not faced a single Sportcenter highlight, read a football related news-line, or even read ESPN since.  However, I have been getting ripped on for not posting so I suppose I need to enter the fucked up and cruel world of sports once again.  Let me glance at some headlines...

Knicks' Stoudemire Back, will Play Tuesday

Who cares about a stereotypical NBA player when you have Jeremy Lin prancing around making a 38 point night look easier than his 10th grade BC Calc Exam.   Moving on.  *(RIP Hazell Stoudemire)*

Judge sides with Sandusky on Grandkids


What Judge would allow Sandusky to visit his grandparents.  I wouldn't let Sandusky touch any grandparents, including his own, with a 80 foot pole.  Besides, this subject is too touchy.

Moss says he plans on return to NFL

Here we fucking go.  The Golden God of catching himself, Randy Moss, is coming out of retirement.  You know it's special when a verb is named after a player- "Ohhh, sheeiittt you just got Moss'd pussy."  The only other players who have verbs named after them are Tebow and Ray Lewis.  Ray's verb is a little less well known: "Michel Jackson was Ray Lewis'd by his doctor" or "Tiger Woods totally Ray Lewis'd his marriage...and probably one or two hookers" I digress.  The man who has hands softer than lotion-soaked Chinse ribbon silk wants to play him some foozeball again.  The man who paid his 50,000 dollar fine in straight cash, homie', is coming back to the gridiron.  The stallion who caught 23 TD's in a season is coming back to the field.  The man who fucking owns his own Truck Racing company is coming back to play football.  The man who deliberately ran over a traffic cop in Minnesota is coming back to torture cornerbacks.  Oh fuck, I just read down the article a little bit further, "Randy made this announcement for his 35th birthday surprise".....nevermind I guess.
      -Blaine Swaggert 

Linsanity Baby

I swore off posting about the Knicks about 2 or 3 weeks ago because it was just making me too upset.  Melo was taking close to 30 shots a game.  STAT had about as much lift in his knees as you can assume that I have based on my pen-name.  Toney Douglas was (is) T/Oney Douglas.  Landry Fields looked like Andy Rautins.  Tyson Chandler looked like he should be paying us his 50 million dollar contract to just watch the games.  And Mike D'Antoni still looked like the Pringles Guy.  But then, out of the sadness, out of the tears, out of the ashes of a season that looked like a catastrophe emerged a great oriental hope.  

I'm allowed to be racist apparently, because I have never seen so much blatant racism put out by the media about a player with an ethnically diverse background.  Its unbelievable.  Everyone is so god damn sensitive about political correctness and shit these days, and each demographic freaks out if even the slightest shot is taken at them, except, apparently, for Asian-Americans.  I saw a picture of an asian guy online holding up a poster with a picture of Lin and a quote that read "Who said we can't drive?"  That is fucking hilarious.  You know how fucking witty that shit is?  That guy could make a killing writing blogs.  In fact, I'd like to offer an open invitation to that man to come and write for us.  Fuck, I'd even offer him a salary even though we make 0$ in profit off of this blog.  It's awesome how asians are just taking these blatantly racist stereotypes on the chin, and just being able to laugh them off.  Although I guess it can't be that hard to do when your previous favorite players were Yao Ming and Wang Zhizhi.

Anyway, Master Lin is putting up huge numbers these past 3 games, and without jinxing him too hard, it looks like the Knicks have found their guy at PG for the rest of the season, or at least until Boom Dizzle gets healthy.  He has been straight taking over games.  

I think the funniest matchup he's had thus far has been last night with John Wall.  John Wall did 1 year of College at Kentucky, and when you go to play for Coach Cal can you really call it college?  As I've said before, you're getting paid.  I just know it, that man is just too slimy.  Anyway, one time John Wall was acting a little immature and not being a good leader for his team.  Want to know what his punishment was, per Coach Cal?  He was going to have to start GOING TO CLASSES and DOING HIS OWN HOMEWORK.  No fucking way.  Thats an outrage.  Can you imagine the contrast between JLin and JWall.  John Wall probably hasn't learned how to spell Kentucky yet, while Jeremy Lin is a Harvard Grad who would probably be working a cubicle job at Merrill Lynch right now if it weren't for this whole "Basketball" thing.  That's why when Lin took Wall to the Cup and threw it down, it was that much funnier.  Matter of fact, Rondo, Rose, and John Wall might be better at basketball, but they don't hold a candle to Lin's knowledge of the protestant reformation, or finding the derivative of a power function.  So suck it.

So hears to Meesah, Mastah, (Shao)Lin.  The man is a nightmare out there.

-ACL Blues

P.S. Austin Rivers is a douche, I don't care what you say.

My Journey to the Superbowl...and Heartbreak

Blaine Swaggert
57:00 on the clock and a downright sick feeling in my stomach.  The exact same feeling I had in 2007 except this time much more visceral - I was seated in section 103 row 17, surrounded by Giants fans and my somber family.  Once it got to 4th and 26, or whatever the hell it actually was, I began the walk of shame up the beautiful Lucas Oil Stadium staircase.  I was wearing my Brady jersey and an Indy Superbowl hat that was void of any team preference, a hat I had picked out deliberately in case the Pats lost.  As I begin this cursed ascent, just about the only thing I hear are vicious remarks aimed along the lines of, "What happened Brady" and other jeers coming from drunk Giant fans, aimed at me, who are reveling in their victory.  At just about the top of the seemingly endless staircase and with the exit in sight, this one absolutely hammered Pats fan begins speaking, "Don't you fucking leave, don't you stop watching, Tom Brady is the man."  Now I would be lying if he wasn't completely shitfaced or if I said I didn't have serious doubts in this game, but I decided to stay and watch the 4th down.  Amongst the chants of "One more play!" Brady threw an iced rope to Deion Branch shutting up the crowd, and this drunken fan and I immediately shared a passionate hug while my father laughed next to me.  Now maybe I had a shimmer of hope, but as 100's of millions know, this game did not turn out for a Pats fan.

When the last pass of the game hit the turf I did not wait for confetti or to even look at the field, I began walking.  This walk, however, is about 2 miles through downtown Indy with the final destination the Yellow Parking Zone section E, where a rental Kia mini van waited.  In what amounted to the longest walk of shame of my life, my phone ended up with 14 missed messages and 6 missed calls- none of which were condolences.  With the messages came the public jabs and jeering of joyous fans, also more personal remarks like, "We're getting fucked up tonight!" Now I have made life vows to never watch highlights of the game or to watch the Giants on field celebration, so the worst is I cannot watch Sportscenter for the next 18 months.  I will also have to enter a "Mourn Gorge" phase, where I will do nothing but be sad and eat heinous amounts of refrigerated food for a long long time.  Throughout the weekend I had experienced countless luxuries any fan would have loved to have, and I cannot deny the trip was sad yet phenomenal, and as my plane took off and my headphones played Take It Easy by the Eagles, I looked down on Lucas Oil with no regrets.

New Message: "Did Welker but butter on his fingers before that drive?"

...I'm starting to have some regrets

Eat up Big Blue fans.



ACL Blues
When my girlfriend broke up with me via AIM in 6th grade she broke my heart.  I put my iPod original, the one with all the buttons (not just the scroll wheel), on repeat, and went to bed 30 minutes early so I could listen to like 12 go rounds of Akon's Mr. Lonely before my mom made me go to sleep.  But Blues, what the fuck does that have to do with the superbowl?  Nothing at all.  It just kind of sounds like what Blaine just said.  You didn't really feel bad for me at all, did you?  In honesty, I don't feel bad for that kid for one second.  You have Tom Brady.  You have 3 recent super-bowls.  You have a fighting chance in the playoffs EVERY SINGLE YEAR.  Every ESPN Analyst can't wait to talk about your team.  Fuck, they even highered that clown Rodney Harrison to provide analysis more biased than Casey Anthony trial.

I haven't seen the Chiefs win a playoff game in 18 fucking years.  I had to watch the likes of Brodie Croyle, Damon Huard, Tyler Thigpen, and Tyler Palko while Brady was off banging girls so perfect I can't even picture them in my dreams, and drowning Wilfork in Champagne spray, the chiefs were deciding which LSU bust they were going to take in the draft.  So don't you come after all of our beautiful readers with these pity-magnet posts crying about why Boston chokes in literally every sport, ever.  This is what happens when you fuck with NY, and I don't mean the Jets.

Also, as is tradition I will now proceed to bash a seemingly harmless and gutsy professional athlete because of some ridiculous bias I have against them.  This one goes out to Julian Edelman.  I don't want to hear how he's Mr. Everything and all that.  He's Mr. Nothing.  He's a below average defensive player.  He's a below average offensive player.  He's limited as a returner.  So Boston, relax with this whole Ironman thing.  He's about as important to the Pats as this blog is to the Giants.  So therefore, Edelman has earned himself a one-way trip to this blogger's doghouse, and I'm burying the key in that beautiful divot in Brady's chin.

Sorry Boston :(

-ACL (Big)Blues

Ricky Rubio A Badass?

I'm sure a lot of you have seen the circus passes that Spanish boy-wonder Ricky Rubio has been performing day in and day out.  That kid can sling rock better than Ice-T.  Now I'm not using the term "kid" in a friendly manner or to sound like I'm superior (and I'm certainly not using the term "sling rock" because I think I know what I'm talking about), but I'm using the term "kid" because Ricky Rubio has the body of a child.  He is 21, straight out of Spain, stands at an average height of 6'4, and weights in at a whopping 180 pounds.  Let me put this in perspective, Dwayne Wade of the Miami Heat is also 6'4 and weighs 220 pounds...that's 40 fucking pounds.  That is the equivalent to one weight swing expected out of Oprah once she gets her TV Network's rating report.

Okay now you understand how frail Ricky Rubio is, so let me pose this question - Do you think a 21 year old baby bodied rookie named Ricky Rubio would talk shit to Kobe Bryant in broken English?  If you answered yes then you probably watch ESPN because this video is all over...



After Rubio barely manages to say, "You know you're getting that silver," (discussing 2012 Olympics) Kobe responds exactly how you would expect him to, "Sheeeeeettttt, I'm taking bets."  Just good old classic banter.  Now if these two got a little more heated, it would probably result in Kobe rapping Rubio in a similar fashion to that 19 year old hotel employee, but let's not re-hash that.  Regardless, props to an absolutely minuscule Rubio to talking some grade-A trash to one of the biggest badasses in the NBA.  Spaniards must have some massive balls: Stabbing angry bulls to death, running of the bulls, jumping over bulls, torturing bulls, anything you can possibly think of revolving around bulls, and now even talking shit to Kobe Bryant. Wow.  However Ricky, before the London Olympics you better discover what a weight is and how to pick it up, bro.

-Blaine Swaggert

The Art of the Black and Yellow Remix

So its Super Bowl season, and with Super Bowl season comes the inevitable period where we have to hear celebrities celebrate their undying fair-weather love for the teams that they didn't give a fuck about 2 months ago.  Birdman and 50 Cent have already had at this one a little bit.  They just decided that 1 million dollars was a fair amount to wager on the game.  I wasn't aware that Birdman's upbringing in uptown New Orleans would lead to his steadfast die-hard patriots fanhood.  Oh thats because it fucking didn't.  I'll call you out.  I'm not afraid of those teardrops under your eye.  No fear here on UTBR.  Come get some Birdman.  And as for 50 Cent, the same applies.  I get that your from New York and this and that, yeah ok, I got ya.  Maybe this deal will help people remember you as someone who did something other than write the timeless "In Da Club".  But the dude promised to tweet a naked picture of himself if they lost.  Seriously 50?  If people really can't imagine what's going on underneath 50's size 36's then I don't know what to tell you.  I won't tell you where to go to find this picture but let's just say if you google  "Visanthe Shiancoe Naked Locker Room" you'll find something comparable.

Rappers are BY FAR the worst sports fans I've ever seen.  Don't even get me started on Drake liking the Miami Heat because I take it as an insult to my country.  We fucking GAVE you a professional sports town in your foreign city Drake.  We gave that shithole Toronto a professional sports franchise, and you can't even appreciate it?  If you weren't featured in Weezy's HYFR I would completely add you to the UTBR hate-list.

But this brings me to my real point.  Blaine and I were discussing team-affiliated songs the other day, and decided that it was time for the Black and Yellow remixes to be laid to rest.  The song that became famous as the Steeler-Nation's anthem last year, Young Wizzle's Black and Yellow was countered by apparent Packers' fan(?) (Another Louisiana product with an apparent allegiance confusion) Lil Wayne's Green and Yellow, and it started a whole sports-beef in the rap community.  Well, as you probably know by this point in the article, I consider myself kind of a rap-game expert (Probably because of my prep school education and my address being located in an elevated tax bracket), and all this beef has been just totally whack yo.  But on some real shit, them dudes was making some real-ass tracks fa sho.

Then there was the influx of Black and Yellow remixes that really sealed the deal for me.  People would remake that song for everything.  What do you want for breakfast dude, "Eggs and bacon, eggs and bacon, eggs and bacon. Uh huh.  You know what it is."  Shit was funny for a little while and then this dude made this song, and that was it for me.  I was off the bandwagon.  Not to mention the countless people that tried to fit too many or too few syllables into the overplayed chorus. "Red, orange, black, and purple" cannot be a Black and Yellow Remix, guys.

So now we got this.  The real Superbowl.  Who's got the better, or funnier anthem:  Blue and Red (too few syllables) vs. Pat City.  We'll let the people decide.  Which one of these lyrical beauties has the edge.






-ACL Blues

LeBron VS Rose

A lot of funny stuff happened in this incredible Heat Vs Bulls NBA game, and I'm going to break it down a bit.  First, the obvious: LeBron very literally leaped over John Lucas and threw down a massive alley-oop.  This dunk closely resembled what happens when I play my little brother on our 7 foot hoop.  The only difference is I'm not a freak athlete, I don't have the same beard as Spartan King Leonidas, and I my mom wasn't slayed by that squirrelly shit Delonte West- So pretty much the same thing.  

Another great aspect of this game was the sheer athleticism.  Whether it was LeBron and Wade tossing up alley-oops to each other, or Rose performing back to back circus layups, the athleticism was mind blowing.  I mean, maybe the one downside is Kyle Korver.  That scrub looks lost out there, just getting bounced around by LeBron, Bosh, and Haslem, never getting to close to the paint because he knows his frail bones will get smashed to bits.  On the upside for Korver, the guy can always get a job as an Ashton Kutcher impersonator.  

Guess which one is Korver...

Oh heres another one: Carlos Boozer's own child chanting lets go Heat.  What a clown, C'mon Carlos at least teach your own kid what team your on.   Wait, just remembered another funny moment: When that LeBron ad aired with LeBron telling kids to dedicate time to their education. Are you fucking kidding LeBron? You went to highschool just to get drafted, and then when you did get drafted, you completely skipped college.  How dare you try to tell kids to dedicate time to school, thats pretty much the same as Brett Farve trying to inform kids of the dangers of sexting.

And why the hell can't LeBron or Rose shoot free-throws, it looked like a pee-wee house basketball game out there from the line.  Rose could have given the bulls a lead with 20 seconds left but missed both his free-throws.  Then, Lebron could have put the game away but missed his as well.  That's trash, aren't you guys the two best players in the league?  Then why did you guys both miss game changing free-throws, thats horse hockey!

So in conclusion, this game was a cluster-fuck of bad calls, missed free-throws, funny reactions, heinous amounts of athleticism, and a lots of LeBron posterizing other players.

-Blaine Swaggert

Some Pretty Funny Stuff Happened This Week

So, again, we haven't been posting nearly enough and I would like to promise you that this week it will change (And I'm going to seriously make an attempt to) but I'm just not ready to make that sort of commitment to you guys yet.  I'm sorry, I really like you, I do, I just don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can dedicate myself to you completely.  I hope we can still be friends.

Anyway, some real hilarious stuff happened during the week and I really need to comment on it.  So I'm just going to combine a few things that should be separate posts into one because its my blog and you guys aren't the boss of me.

#1:  Terell Suggs calls Skip Bayless a Douchebag on live TV:  T Sizzle out of BallSoHard University?  People said that Obama was the voice of our generation.  I would like to nominate Terrell Suggs for that position.  He said exactly what we were all thinking.  Who fucking likes Skip Bayless?  No one!  How do all these people that everyone hates (Mike Mayock, Chris Collinsworth, Jim Rome, Woody Paige, Merrill Hodge) get jobs on well-known TV networks saying outlandish things while I'm stuck in my dimly-lit room on my twin-size bed dropping absolute science on your asses from a free domain name?  I'm bewildered.

#2:  Walt 'Clyde' Frazier Gets a Twitter:  Clyde is probably the most hilarious announcer on TV.  He is so senile and cocky these days, he sounds like my uncle John after 12 Blue Moons at our family Christmas party.  He's the man.  The other day during the Knicks vs. Heat game he was saying that LeBron probably wouldn't have been as good as him during his day because the rosters in the league were a lot more balanced.  Yeah, totally Clyde, why would a 6'8" 260 pound freight train that can defend and literally get to the basket at will be good against a bunch of "balanced" 6'4" white people with good "fundamentals".  Remember Keith Van Horn?  He had good fundamentals too.  So follow this guy if you have a twitter.  SELF PROMO: Follow me too @EnnDee23 for more links to bullshit articles that are written by me and Blaine.

#3: Stilman White. Yup.: No way this is a real thing.  I'm scared to even try to make a flurry of jokes because I might miss one, and because this is, in itself, a joke.  I was just admitted to the THE University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, so obviously I was watching them beat the shit out of NC State the other day when a miracle happened:  A 6'0" 150 lb. pale-white nerd with birth marks up and down his arm checked into the game for his backup Point Guard shift that consists of literally 3 minutes.  His name, of course, is STILMAN WHITE.  No fucking way.  You know what? TSizzle is great, but this dude's parents are the real heroes here.  Having the foresight to name your son the nerdiest, whitest, most outrageously hilarious combination of letters cannot go unrewarded.  They've earned their place in the UTBR hall of fame.  That is for sure.  I will never be a fan of an athlete more than I am a fan of the Stil MAN.

#4: Dwight Howard says Know Ya Role:  So after the Magic blew like a 50 point lead against the Celdicks, Howard conducted an interview doing his best "I'm going to act sad to make it look like I still care about the Orlando Magic" impression.  In his defense, this franchise has absolutely fucked him.  He told them to go get players and they went out and got Gilbert the Gun-Wielder and Hedo Turkgolu. He will be gone next year, probably with Deron Williams somewhere sunny, and all the Magic will have to show for it is a bunch of Jameer Nelsons that need to KNOW YA ROLES.

#5: Carl Hagelin Makes NHL Rookie All-Star Team:  This really isn't that funny because Carl is an absolute stud, but I haven't even mentioned my love for him yet on this site so I felt like today was the day to do it.  Great hair: Check.  Facial Symmetry: Check.  Blazing Speed: Check.  Projected friendship with all Swedish DJs including Avicii: Check.  What a renaissance man.

By the way, is it just me or does everyone and their mother have a blog these days?  I've seen some really dumb blogs out there on my Facebook mini-feed.  Oh great, you're going to start a music blog?  That's so original!  I'm not coming after people that have been grinding blog-wise, but don't just do it for the ladies, guys.  This is a life-style you posers.  And if I wanted to hear about your trip abroad I would text you and ask you about it, so don't go blogging it.  We're out here doing this with a purpose, people.  Have some respect for our craft.

-ACL Blues

The Championship Round in Review

Eli Looks intimidating in this one

2:30 PM-Pre Game for Ravens @ Patriots

Knowing that the patriots were playing in a mere 30 minutes, and also knowing that I had a real chance of not watching them play for a whole year, and also knowing that if the Patriots win they would be heading to the Superbowl, and also knowing that if the Patriots would win I, Blaine Swaggert, would be heading to Indy, I was required to brace my body and mind for an emotional roller-coaster. Unfortunately, I  was required to watch the E-Trade baby absolutely trash the patriots defense with quotes like, "I trust the Patriots defense about as much as a barber with a mullet, then I had to watched Ray Lewis crying during the national anthem, probably because he had to listen to Steven Tyler in person, or maybe it was because he is a god damn psycho path, probably the latter.  Quick question: Whats scarier, going to a SuperBowl Party in Atlanta with Ray Lewis, or playing football against him? If you answered going to the SuperBowl Party then you guessed right, because the odds of you getting stabbed to death are about 3/4.  So now with all of this alarming thoughts, and Steven Tyler's steel wool vocals shredding my ear canals, I was entering this game more rattled than an away QB in NCAA 12'.

Half Time Ravens @ Patriots 
Score: 10-13


Thoughts:  This is not going well at all, the Pats are playing with no pep, no zip, they look flatter than Reese Witherspoon before breast surgery.  Brady  has been ice cold, and has missed targets like Gronk Monster, which I previously thought was impossible due to his freakish Greek God physique.

End Game Ravens @ Patriots
Score 20-23


God Bless bad athletes, God Bless Billy Cundiff!

Giants @ 49er's Recap


I love good defense, yay defense, defense defense defense, rushing the passer, defense, sacks deffense, yay!!!!  Okay, actually a great game, and a really exciting one.  I wish that Bradshaw fumble was called back because that was absolutely ridiculous.  Oh, and I hate Eli Manning, but I do respect him for taking that beating -will that stop me from making fun of how childish and weak he looked on the field? fuck no.





Well good win I guess Giants,

-Blaine Swaggert

Thoughts from the Intro to Pats Ravens

Wow Wow Wow.  I'm not even supposed to blog today, but I have to say something quickly about that totally bizarre pre-game deal.  Did you guys just see that national anthem?  Psychopath Lewis was crying his eyes out.  Flacco and Welker are going toe to toe to see who can have the biggest pedophile mustache.  And Steven Tyler was high on premium black-tar heroin and wearing a bedazzled Patriots scarf that Bieber wouldn't even touch.  If this game ends 2-0 and just sucks so bad I won't even care.  That was so fucking funny.

I can't tell which was more ridiculous.  Tyler's horse screaming of the national anthem, or the fact that Ray Lewis thought it was so beautiful that he couldn't hold back his tears.  In youth football you would always rip on the kid who started crying, but I think it just makes Ray "Ted Bundy" Lewis that much scarier.  Like what kind of dude has that little control of his emotions that that shit happens to him before one of the biggest games of his career.  This is going to be a fucking amazing game to watch.  I don't know about you but I'm watching big ol' murdering #52 all game.

Also, really Joe Flacco?  You already suck enough, why do you want to look even more like a slimy pedophile than you already do.  And Welker, I like you because you put on for the White Recievers, but c'mon man, you're better than that.  Why would you do it?  Is it because you want to try and distinguish yourself from your long-lost twin Julian Edelman?  that's got to be it.

Enjoy the game everyone.



-ACL Blues

A Moment in UTBR History

Guys! The high school newspaper wants to do an article on us, and they are totally willing to ignore all the blatant, flagrant, sodomized soaked, language we use!  No, wait, this actually happened. Straight-Astudent wunderkind, Spenny B, has put in countless hours of research so he could inflate my ego, as well as bring the comical secrets of UTBR to the public.  He managed to conduct an interview with yours truly (Swaggert) and none other than ACL Blues -Times magazine has already dubbed it the "interview of the century" and as I write this post People Magazine is attempting to buy this story for 100,000$.  It's clearly a big fucking deal, so check out the interview here, and I promise it is worth it.  I mean at least this article has inflated my ego to the point where I address my close friend group and mother as "servants," so it will probably do some good for you too, right?

New York Knicks: State of the Union

Guys Oh My GOD!  The Knicks are Number 1 baby!!... in alley-oops... This is fucking ridiculous.  I'm sick of it.  Let's face it.  We suck.  We are just flat out a shitty team right now.  Granted we're not even as close to as bad as that little green thing they call a professional basketball team over there in Boston, but we're pretty fucking bad.  It's not the effort.  I'm ok with how hard the players are playing for the most part (Except for Melo fucking whining about an injury every other day, and Amar'e deciding that yelling at the refs is more important than running back to the "defensive" end of the court which seems like a foreign country to him).  It's the coaching.  I fucking hate the Heat.  I strongly dislike the Lakers.  I am in no way an Oklahoma City Thunder fan.  But guess what?  You don't see Mario Chalmers and Chris Bosh switching on screens all the way out at the 3-point line like the Knicks do all the time.  You don't see the lakers dribble down the court and give the ball to Kobe and say "Ok.  Well our work is done here."  Ok maybe they do that sometimes, but they at least don't have a "Point Forward" which has to be the stupidest thing that I've ever heard of.  Ever.  You don't see a team go on a 40-0 run on the Thunder and Head Coach Scott Brooks have only one thing to say: "C'mon Let's go! Let's Go! Let's Go!"  Guess where you do see those things.  In the Garden, with Head Coach and proclaimed "Offensive Wizard" Mike D'Antoni.

Dolan, do one thing right, and get this guy out.  I'm not even mad anymore.  I'm just begging you.  I come before you a humbled man since last night.  Please rid New York City of this bubonic plague.  I really don't care who you hire.  My High School fired their basketball coach last year because we sucked.  Hire HIM! I really do not give a fuck.  Remember when Spreewell wanted to be the Player-Coach?  Give him a call, see if he's still interested.  See if Stephon Marbury wants to come back and coach the fucking team.

Again, there is another problem with this team.  Is here anyone on this roster that can make an open 3 pointer?  Man I miss Gallinari.  I think I have like a little crush on him.  He was kind of hot, right?  With his spikey hair and Eurotrash accent.  Just kidding, but that dude was the man.  Plus he was automatic from 3 point land.  Remember Wilson Chandler? He's on a diet of straight sushi (that's chinese right?), and dumplings right now.  Remember Shawne Williams, our Small Forward with a not so small marijuana-dependence?  These were the reasons why we were so good at stretching the floor last year.  Now we have Steve Novak who has played like 6 combined minutes all year, and Toney "The Chucker" Douglas.
 
I'm really sad, and I think this is the last Knicks post you will see from me for a good long while.  Who wants to be a Nuggets fan with me? Under .500 just doesn't cut it for me.  Start some "Fire D'Antoni" chants at the garden if you bother shelling out like 2 billion dollars to Fat Dolan to go to the games.





-ACL Blues

James Dolan is Such a Douchebag

So some sites that really have little to no reputation (Wikipedia, Google, Youtube, etc.) are blacking out today because of some ridiculous ghost story about some sort of "U.S. Government" passing some sort of "Federal Law" that prevents people like us from being outstandingly witty and hilarious and good looking on the web.  What the fuck is this Communist Russia?  I've always thought of copyright infringement as like Corporate plagarism.  So pretty much, when that one kid with the C- average and no notable skills to speak of plagarizes, he gets fucked.  Kicked out of prep school and whatnot.  But if that star athlete with the 6 D1 offers, or that Beethovenesque pianist, or that super hot blonde gets caught, well... I didn't see it.  Did you?  Guess what we are?  We're that kid with the C- average? Guess what Google and Wikipedia are?  Those aforementioned studs.  Guess who gets fucked? Us.

Well guess what Google?  You may black out today, but Blaine and I give the people what they want EVERY day, not just 364 per year, no matter how many years we'll have to do in Federal pound-me-in-the-ass (Haha, sorry 20th Century Fox!) prison.  Hardest working guys on the internet over here.  Needless to say, these websites might "blackout" today (Wow COOL!) but Blaine and I get our "blackout" on probably a lot more.  That's all I'll say about that.

What really belongs in the news is this: Rangers and Knicks Owner, and douchebag extraordinaire, James Dolan decided that he was going to put the worst kind of Hex (Oh I'm sorry little insignificant Government officials, was that infringement?) on the Rangers yesterday.  I was born in October of 1993, so you can bet when the Rangers won the cup 6 months later I was raging my face off in my crib.  But since then, the rangers have embarked on a decade and a half of Chris Drury years, and fucking last-game-shoutout-losses-to-the-fucking-Flyers-that-make-us-miss-the-playoffs.  The one thing that remains constant though?  The Rangers still have the biggest asshole in the world running their professional sports franchise, and no I'm not talking about Glen Sather.

Yesterday, after not talking to the media about hockey since, get this, 2006 (Are you fucking kidding me?) he decided to go out there and fucking brag about what a good job he had been doing.  He pretty much said that we'd win the Stanley Cup this year, and that that would be that (Dare me to try and use another 'that' in that sentence?). I could just choke that little smirk off his fat face.  Dolan why don't you crawl back into your hole in the ground and reconvene your domestic partnership with Isiah Thomas.  Have you ever heard of something so ridiculous before?  That's like me not posting for two weeks and then coming back and claiming we have the best blog on the internet.  Oh shit, I definitely did that.  Either way, this guy looks like a toad and manages like one as well.  What a dirtbag.

You got to love Rangers Head Coach John Tortorella though man.  This guy is fucking fearless.  He gets up right after the inept manager and says this:  "Now I got my owner up here talking about the Stanley Cup.  That's a bunch of bullshit."  What a BOSS MOVE (Seriously though, like if Google doesn't get some seriously highly paid lobbyists to stall this bill I'm going to be blogging from Riker's).  I love Tortorella so, so, so very much.




Well all the Hockey fans can stop reading now but I want to say this for all the Knicks faithful out there.  This too shall pass.  And so will our head coach.  Fire D'Antoni.




-ACL Blues

NFL's Divisional Round In Review

The NFL has really been fun to watch recently, and even more fun to blog about.  It seems fitting to make a little series of posts based off each NFL playoff round, so I'm calling this post the sequel to my Wild Card Review post.  Let's jump in.

Denver Tebows @ New England Patriots


I know Tebow told the media he hasn't swiped his V-Card yet, but all that just changed - Tom Brady popped Tebow's cherry with his throwing arm Saturday night.  It was glorious, and now Brady is once again sitting on a throne surrounded by his Victoria Secret sex maven looking down upon his disciples.  If you're looking for some actual football analyze you won't get it regarding this game because anyone can recognize a damn good beatdown.

Interesting side note: The Female viewer demographic between the ages 18-24 spiked 94 % for this game.

Score: 45-10 Patriots

Houston Texans @ Baltimore Ravens

Baltimore was supposed to win, and they did, but theres something about them that scares me.  It's like this weird feeling I can't shake, maybe it is because the defensive players on their team have very literally murdered people, not really sure. Anyways, credit to the Texans for actually making it a close game despite getting plagued by injuries and losing their sure to be a first ballot Hall of Famer Matt Lineart (God Bless).  Anyway, this game happened far away, was kinda boring, and certainly the least fun game of the divisional playoff round.

Side Note: What the fuck is going on? Why does everyone (Sports Center) recognize Ray Lewis as this incredible mentor figure to younger NFL players? Who in their right mind would want a murderer and freak of nature like Ray Lewis mentoring them? And why is the NFL condoning this?

Score: 20-13 Ravens

New Orleans Saints @ San Francisco 49'ers 


The first upset of the weekend, but this one didn't shock me.  Here's why:  Drew Brees has been babied all season (he played 12 games indoors), the Saints offense production has been far worse in outside games, the 49'ers are blue collar as fuck, Jim Harbaugh could kick my ass, Jim Harbaugh is the most handsome coach in the league, Jim Harbaugh almost dismembers other coaches during during postgame handshakes, Jim Harbaugh is the fucking man, Jim Harbaugh has been reported to have a 11 inch penis, and the 49'ers have gritty defense that keeps the pace slow.  I'd say about 3 to 4 of the reasons I gave actually apply to the game, and why the Saints loss.  Sorry.

Score: 36-32 San Fran

New York Giants @ Green Bay Packers


I just got back from watching this game with 3 huge Giants fan friends of mine, and boy were they soaking it in.  So last post I did I hinted at the Giants having an opportunity to win this game, and boy oh boy the Giants took advantage of that opportunity. Eli looked sharp, D looked solid, but mainly the Packers offense looked sorta like what I'd imagine they would look like after a New Years Eve party - really really hungover.  I mean by football standards they were: Lost a game, sat their starters, then had a bye week.  Thats one mean football hangover, and it happened right as the Giants were peaking.  What a disaster for Green Bay.


Side Note: At one point I got a very real sense that there was foul play going on with some of these calls.

Score: 37-20 Giants





-Blaine Swaggert