Jaromir Jagr's Guide To A Successful Movember

In the NHL, Movemeber has become an opportune month for players to showcase their charity efforts, but more importantly, their ‘womb broom’ growing ability.  It must be noted, however, that a successful Movember is decided on by two factors: The gloriousness of the stache’ itself, and the player’s general persona.  Now for sad chumps like me who cannot even dream of growing a mustache, and whose Norweigan father and grandfather also cannot dream of facial growth, Movember has become the epitome of exclusion.  Yet, this wont stop me from writing about it, and it also wont stop me from writing about Jaromir Jagr, and his downright impressive Movember showcase.

Jaromir Jagr is a Czech hockey player for the Philadelphia Flyers, and he is also a complete and utter badass.   Sure his NHL stats are impressive, 5 time leading point scorer, won an MVP, back-to-back Stanley Cup titles, 7 First All-Star Teams, and an Olympic gold medal.  What overwhelms these statistics is his unheralded ability to grow facial hair like a champ.  On top of this everyone knows that Fu Manchus are considered one of the most elite and high-end pussy magnets on the market. Observe:

He is also known for his extreme gambling addiction. He was reported to owe 950,000 Euros in debt to two different online gambling websites in 2001, as well as 2.7 million in tax debts.  Later on, he was also required to pay 350,00 Euros in 2003 and then failed to settle up.  So maybe the one thing Jagr cannot do is settle debts (still hasn't made up for that hit Ovechkin laid on him in the Olympics), but Jagr’s is only actually guilty of ripping apart the NHl, slamming Czech babes, and growing facial hair that puts other men to shame.  I’d say his one weakness appears in this quote, when he said, "We all know what would happen if the young did not practice any sport. If children practice some sport, they do not have time for other things such as alcohol."  While this quote is indeed ridiculous, let us not fail to worship Jagr for what he really is, a mustached badass straight out of mother fucking Czechoslovakia (who may or may not have a gambling addiction).


-Blaine Swaggert