All great champions need a force of evil to rise up against. Harry Potter had Voldemort. The US had Russia. Lakers had that dumb team that wore green. Yankees had the Red Sox. Heaven has Hell. God has Satan. Tyler Palko has Tom Brady. Tyler Palko is my second favorite quarterback named Tyler to ever play for the Chiefs, behind the infamous Tyler Thigpen. I will sidestep no questions on my fanhood. I am a New York sports fun until I die in every sport. I love the yanks, the knicks, the rangers, hell I'll even watch a Johnnies game if their on. But in football, I had the pleasure of watching the X-Factor, Dante Hall, at my friends birthday party when I was like 8. I remember it because I have a picture of myself, looking like a legally-challenged kid sporting an Allen Iverson jersey at the football game. (Little aside here, your boy ACL Blues wore that jersey every single day from age 5-9. School, Iverson Jersey. My family is taking me out to dinner with the President of the US, Iverson Jersey. Church, Iverson Jersey. That's a lie I don't go to church, have you read the Tebow article?) Anyway, since that day I have been a diehard KC Chiefs fan.
Back to the Palko situation. Here at UTBR we're very very engaged in deep deep statistical analysis. Therefore, I organized this little comparison of these two quarterbacks. I don't think anyone is going to argue that they're both elite, obviously Palko a little more than Brady, but you can see for yourself in the statistical breakdown (totally unbiased):
2011 Completion Percentage:
Brady: 238/360, 66.1%
Palko: 5/7, 71.4%
Advantage: TPalko baby. Brady take a seat with your little 66.1% completion percentage. While Brady is sinking more balls into the stands tonight, Palko will be browsing the stands to find a girl to sink his balls into, after throwing completions that is, and would ya looky there, there's Giselle!
2011 Interceptions:
Brady: 10
Palko: 0
Advantage: TPalks wins again. 0 interceptions? It don't get no better than 0 INT's. Marshawn would say that's solid. Hey Brady, when Brandon Flowers and Kendrick Lewis are running by you on Pick 6's tonight, you might want to start looking over you're shoulder at that Mallett kid. The Patriots may want to start taking the team in another direction.
Career Rushing Average Yards Per Carry:
Brady: 350 attempts, 644 yards, 1.8 yards per carry
Palko: 3 rushes, 13 yards, 4.3 yards per carry
Advantage: Isn't Brady supposed to be a hall-of-famer, because Palko seems to have the statistical advantage in nearly every category on paper. Brady can keep waddling around out there with his Hellen Keller sprinting ability. Palko looks like that super-athletic meat-head from High School who's schedule consisted of Health with the football coach, Creative Writing, Gym, Independent Study on Sexual Intercourse, and The Psychological Effects of Facial Hair. Have a looksee:
Curses said on National TV:
Brady: 0
Palko: 1
Advantage: Palko edges out Brady yet again, albeit by a slim margin this time. Apparently this badass dude was just dropping F-Bombs like they were going out of style after he beat the fightin' Irish during his Pitt days. That's awesome. It's not awesome when Rex Ryan does it because he's fat, but it's definitely awesome when Palks does it.
Anyway, it really is a tale of 2 QB's tonight, and the stats speak for themselves. Palko is battle-tested and ready to play and I'm just not quite sold on Brady's resume as an elite quarterback in this league. Blaine Swaggert is prolly gonna come on here in a minute and whine about how Brady has better hair. Its not true, look at this shit:
I think the chiefs are actually 14.5 point dogs in this game. Can you believe it? Clearly they don't have someone of my caliber doing their statistical analysis. Take the tribe. Happy monday to everyone, and Go Chiefs. Palko will find stardom tonight.
-ACL Blues
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