A Moment in UTBR History

Guys! The high school newspaper wants to do an article on us, and they are totally willing to ignore all the blatant, flagrant, sodomized soaked, language we use!  No, wait, this actually happened. Straight-Astudent wunderkind, Spenny B, has put in countless hours of research so he could inflate my ego, as well as bring the comical secrets of UTBR to the public.  He managed to conduct an interview with yours truly (Swaggert) and none other than ACL Blues -Times magazine has already dubbed it the "interview of the century" and as I write this post People Magazine is attempting to buy this story for 100,000$.  It's clearly a big fucking deal, so check out the interview here, and I promise it is worth it.  I mean at least this article has inflated my ego to the point where I address my close friend group and mother as "servants," so it will probably do some good for you too, right?

New York Knicks: State of the Union

Guys Oh My GOD!  The Knicks are Number 1 baby!!... in alley-oops... This is fucking ridiculous.  I'm sick of it.  Let's face it.  We suck.  We are just flat out a shitty team right now.  Granted we're not even as close to as bad as that little green thing they call a professional basketball team over there in Boston, but we're pretty fucking bad.  It's not the effort.  I'm ok with how hard the players are playing for the most part (Except for Melo fucking whining about an injury every other day, and Amar'e deciding that yelling at the refs is more important than running back to the "defensive" end of the court which seems like a foreign country to him).  It's the coaching.  I fucking hate the Heat.  I strongly dislike the Lakers.  I am in no way an Oklahoma City Thunder fan.  But guess what?  You don't see Mario Chalmers and Chris Bosh switching on screens all the way out at the 3-point line like the Knicks do all the time.  You don't see the lakers dribble down the court and give the ball to Kobe and say "Ok.  Well our work is done here."  Ok maybe they do that sometimes, but they at least don't have a "Point Forward" which has to be the stupidest thing that I've ever heard of.  Ever.  You don't see a team go on a 40-0 run on the Thunder and Head Coach Scott Brooks have only one thing to say: "C'mon Let's go! Let's Go! Let's Go!"  Guess where you do see those things.  In the Garden, with Head Coach and proclaimed "Offensive Wizard" Mike D'Antoni.

Dolan, do one thing right, and get this guy out.  I'm not even mad anymore.  I'm just begging you.  I come before you a humbled man since last night.  Please rid New York City of this bubonic plague.  I really don't care who you hire.  My High School fired their basketball coach last year because we sucked.  Hire HIM! I really do not give a fuck.  Remember when Spreewell wanted to be the Player-Coach?  Give him a call, see if he's still interested.  See if Stephon Marbury wants to come back and coach the fucking team.

Again, there is another problem with this team.  Is here anyone on this roster that can make an open 3 pointer?  Man I miss Gallinari.  I think I have like a little crush on him.  He was kind of hot, right?  With his spikey hair and Eurotrash accent.  Just kidding, but that dude was the man.  Plus he was automatic from 3 point land.  Remember Wilson Chandler? He's on a diet of straight sushi (that's chinese right?), and dumplings right now.  Remember Shawne Williams, our Small Forward with a not so small marijuana-dependence?  These were the reasons why we were so good at stretching the floor last year.  Now we have Steve Novak who has played like 6 combined minutes all year, and Toney "The Chucker" Douglas.
 
I'm really sad, and I think this is the last Knicks post you will see from me for a good long while.  Who wants to be a Nuggets fan with me? Under .500 just doesn't cut it for me.  Start some "Fire D'Antoni" chants at the garden if you bother shelling out like 2 billion dollars to Fat Dolan to go to the games.





-ACL Blues

James Dolan is Such a Douchebag

So some sites that really have little to no reputation (Wikipedia, Google, Youtube, etc.) are blacking out today because of some ridiculous ghost story about some sort of "U.S. Government" passing some sort of "Federal Law" that prevents people like us from being outstandingly witty and hilarious and good looking on the web.  What the fuck is this Communist Russia?  I've always thought of copyright infringement as like Corporate plagarism.  So pretty much, when that one kid with the C- average and no notable skills to speak of plagarizes, he gets fucked.  Kicked out of prep school and whatnot.  But if that star athlete with the 6 D1 offers, or that Beethovenesque pianist, or that super hot blonde gets caught, well... I didn't see it.  Did you?  Guess what we are?  We're that kid with the C- average? Guess what Google and Wikipedia are?  Those aforementioned studs.  Guess who gets fucked? Us.

Well guess what Google?  You may black out today, but Blaine and I give the people what they want EVERY day, not just 364 per year, no matter how many years we'll have to do in Federal pound-me-in-the-ass (Haha, sorry 20th Century Fox!) prison.  Hardest working guys on the internet over here.  Needless to say, these websites might "blackout" today (Wow COOL!) but Blaine and I get our "blackout" on probably a lot more.  That's all I'll say about that.

What really belongs in the news is this: Rangers and Knicks Owner, and douchebag extraordinaire, James Dolan decided that he was going to put the worst kind of Hex (Oh I'm sorry little insignificant Government officials, was that infringement?) on the Rangers yesterday.  I was born in October of 1993, so you can bet when the Rangers won the cup 6 months later I was raging my face off in my crib.  But since then, the rangers have embarked on a decade and a half of Chris Drury years, and fucking last-game-shoutout-losses-to-the-fucking-Flyers-that-make-us-miss-the-playoffs.  The one thing that remains constant though?  The Rangers still have the biggest asshole in the world running their professional sports franchise, and no I'm not talking about Glen Sather.

Yesterday, after not talking to the media about hockey since, get this, 2006 (Are you fucking kidding me?) he decided to go out there and fucking brag about what a good job he had been doing.  He pretty much said that we'd win the Stanley Cup this year, and that that would be that (Dare me to try and use another 'that' in that sentence?). I could just choke that little smirk off his fat face.  Dolan why don't you crawl back into your hole in the ground and reconvene your domestic partnership with Isiah Thomas.  Have you ever heard of something so ridiculous before?  That's like me not posting for two weeks and then coming back and claiming we have the best blog on the internet.  Oh shit, I definitely did that.  Either way, this guy looks like a toad and manages like one as well.  What a dirtbag.

You got to love Rangers Head Coach John Tortorella though man.  This guy is fucking fearless.  He gets up right after the inept manager and says this:  "Now I got my owner up here talking about the Stanley Cup.  That's a bunch of bullshit."  What a BOSS MOVE (Seriously though, like if Google doesn't get some seriously highly paid lobbyists to stall this bill I'm going to be blogging from Riker's).  I love Tortorella so, so, so very much.




Well all the Hockey fans can stop reading now but I want to say this for all the Knicks faithful out there.  This too shall pass.  And so will our head coach.  Fire D'Antoni.




-ACL Blues

NFL's Divisional Round In Review

The NFL has really been fun to watch recently, and even more fun to blog about.  It seems fitting to make a little series of posts based off each NFL playoff round, so I'm calling this post the sequel to my Wild Card Review post.  Let's jump in.

Denver Tebows @ New England Patriots


I know Tebow told the media he hasn't swiped his V-Card yet, but all that just changed - Tom Brady popped Tebow's cherry with his throwing arm Saturday night.  It was glorious, and now Brady is once again sitting on a throne surrounded by his Victoria Secret sex maven looking down upon his disciples.  If you're looking for some actual football analyze you won't get it regarding this game because anyone can recognize a damn good beatdown.

Interesting side note: The Female viewer demographic between the ages 18-24 spiked 94 % for this game.

Score: 45-10 Patriots

Houston Texans @ Baltimore Ravens

Baltimore was supposed to win, and they did, but theres something about them that scares me.  It's like this weird feeling I can't shake, maybe it is because the defensive players on their team have very literally murdered people, not really sure. Anyways, credit to the Texans for actually making it a close game despite getting plagued by injuries and losing their sure to be a first ballot Hall of Famer Matt Lineart (God Bless).  Anyway, this game happened far away, was kinda boring, and certainly the least fun game of the divisional playoff round.

Side Note: What the fuck is going on? Why does everyone (Sports Center) recognize Ray Lewis as this incredible mentor figure to younger NFL players? Who in their right mind would want a murderer and freak of nature like Ray Lewis mentoring them? And why is the NFL condoning this?

Score: 20-13 Ravens

New Orleans Saints @ San Francisco 49'ers 


The first upset of the weekend, but this one didn't shock me.  Here's why:  Drew Brees has been babied all season (he played 12 games indoors), the Saints offense production has been far worse in outside games, the 49'ers are blue collar as fuck, Jim Harbaugh could kick my ass, Jim Harbaugh is the most handsome coach in the league, Jim Harbaugh almost dismembers other coaches during during postgame handshakes, Jim Harbaugh is the fucking man, Jim Harbaugh has been reported to have a 11 inch penis, and the 49'ers have gritty defense that keeps the pace slow.  I'd say about 3 to 4 of the reasons I gave actually apply to the game, and why the Saints loss.  Sorry.

Score: 36-32 San Fran

New York Giants @ Green Bay Packers


I just got back from watching this game with 3 huge Giants fan friends of mine, and boy were they soaking it in.  So last post I did I hinted at the Giants having an opportunity to win this game, and boy oh boy the Giants took advantage of that opportunity. Eli looked sharp, D looked solid, but mainly the Packers offense looked sorta like what I'd imagine they would look like after a New Years Eve party - really really hungover.  I mean by football standards they were: Lost a game, sat their starters, then had a bye week.  Thats one mean football hangover, and it happened right as the Giants were peaking.  What a disaster for Green Bay.


Side Note: At one point I got a very real sense that there was foul play going on with some of these calls.

Score: 37-20 Giants





-Blaine Swaggert

The Resurrection: ACL Blues back from the Grave

Im back motherfuckers.  With a vengeance.  Nobody's more motivated to give you things that will help you remain unmotivated procrastinators than yours truly.  I had some things to tend to.  I tended to them. And now I promise I will never leave you again.  A lot of things have happened in the sports world in my two week hiatus:

Tebow has turned down sex over 100 times.  Dennis Rodman decided that he already wasn't a big enough sexual pervert.  The Knicks have been proving that having a team with no Point Guard is like watching a Romantic Comedy without this song in it.  Sam Hurd has been partying like the Mayans were right in their predictions.  The Rangers seem to have forgotten they were the New York Rangers and are now atop the standings in the NHL.  Iman Shumpert has made some songs, but taken a whole bunch more shots.  24/7 came and went.  Philly lost to the Rangers.  Then they lost to the Rangers.  Then they lost to the Rangers at the Winter Classic (as Dipspit rained down on my belligerent Lundqvist-Jersey-wearing brother  from the upper decks.  Such Glorious, glorious Victory... Yeah that's right I went to the game).  The Jets missed the playoffs but we still get to see Rex and the Lazy Sanchize during the commercial breaks with the Pepsi rep.  I don't get why they don't show Bart Scott giving the finger to reporters, or the teams 4th string rookie QB whining about how much they suck.  By the way, if you didn't read Blaine's last post its definitely worth a look.  The force is definitely strong in that young one.

Man I missed you guys.  I hope your enjoying this reunion as much as I am.  I feel like its that moment in Heavy Weights when Josh comes back to camp after they think he's dead.  Without being able to rip on athletes for being model citizens, and glamorize womanizing and alcoholism there was a large void in my life.  Well now its filled.  My hole has been totally and deeply filled by you guys in a fit of passion and joy.

UTBR is back and its here to stay.  We got a little sports here to watch today, huh?  Knicks at 7:30.  Rangers at 7:00.  The Virgin plays the Posterboy tonight at 8:00, and the Yay Area squares off against Lil' Weezyana today at 4:30.




I don't want to make this too long as this post doesn't actually have a point to it.  Anyway, you creatures under the bleachers, enjoy your long weekend and keep up with us.  We'll definitely have some entertaining shit going on down the road.  I'll leave you with something one of our lady fans (Yeah I know) wrote about Blaine and I, just to inflate our ego's a little bit, and illustrate why you should continue to read us even after the delay:

"Have you noticed that all blog stars are extremely good looking? Take ACL Blues and Blaine Swaggert for example. There is just something about them that can turn any woman (and some dudes) on. Maybe it’s their luscious hair blowing in the wind or the sparkle in their angel like eyes. Either way, these kids are damn fine.  Sadly, they only upload photos of celebrity athletes and their slut stripper girlfriends, but I personally would like to see photos of them everywhere on this amazing blog. ACL Blues and Blaine Swaggert just have a way with words that really touch the hearts (and funnybones) of every blog reader out there.  They make a killer team. Basically what I’m trying to say, is that you should all read their blog, and that these two guys are ridiculously good looking, and just a real pair of eye candy."  Yeah that was irrelevant.  But you get the point here.

-ACL Blues

Wild-Card Round in Review

UTBR has been a bit quiet lately because of the midterms and extensive schoolwork (also Hanging With Friends has consumed hours of my life), but I feel the need to write about this great wild card week in the NFL.  How did I enjoy some of the wild card rounds? Well, thank you for asking.  I actually watched the Lions-Saints game in the presence of Rodney "Helmet to Helmet" Harrison and his Ol' Pal Tony Dungy at 30 Rock, but enough about how incredible that experience was for me and onto the games.

Falcons VS Giants: 


Look, I've made it clear numerous times on this blog, I hate the Giants a whole bunch, but I'll give credit where credit is due.  The Giants played lights out against the Falcons.  Their defense sodomized the Falcons while the entire Meadowlands watched.  Horrific stuff.  Eli Manning looked like a more than capable QB and connected for TD's three times.  Here's what scares me so much - The Giants always seem to gain this post season momentum.  They're peaking right as the Packers are cooling down.  I'm not saying the Giants will win (Hint: They probably won't), but this is as good a time as ever.

                                                                     Score: 24-2 Giants



Lions VS Saints:

If Tim Tebow's virgin penis was crafted by God, then Drew Brees' throwing arm must have been crafted by the Devil because it rapes and pillages cornerbacks every Holy Day on primetime television.  The man has game, and the Saints offense as a whole is stupid good.  On the bright-side for the Lions: Calvin "Megatron" Johnson is a large black man amongst boys, and when Stafford isn't holding a red solo cup he is gunslinging out there.

Score: 28-45 Saints


Pittsburgh VS Denver:


God has a great sense of humor.  I don't really know what to write about this since Sportscenter has already dumped at least 40 hours of coverage into it.  Give Big Ben one more week for the ankle, as well as plenty of pornography before the game to prevent distraction, and I'd take Steelers 10 times out of 10.  Looks like Tomlin forget a routine bus stop at the shady 7-11.

Score: 23-29 Denver

Cincinnati VS Houston:


I thought it was going to be a lot closer, but I guess we all learned something about Dalton and Yates, or maybe rookie quarterbacks in general, they're inconsistent and unreliable.  Sure, Yates played better, but I could also throw anything within 15 yards of Andre Johnson and get a touchdown pass and then hand the ball of to Arian "Fantasy Machine" Foster. I think its safe to say this game is boring, not interesting, took place somewhere far away that I've never been too, and overall the weakness to the week.  I'm just going to search the web for an embarrassing photo of Andy Dalton.  Yup, this should work.

Score: 10-31 Houston

-Blaine Swaggert

Thanks to Jack Lazarus for this weekend.

Coaching Carousel

The regular season of the NFL has ended and, like always, will also mark the end for some coaches.  Now there are certainly coaches who have been fired, but I have been taken back by the amount of shit coaches that just signed contracts.  Here's a good one, Andy "I am the Walrus" Reid.  Okay fine, I'll move past the fact that the man is most likely terminally obese and discuss his coaching methods.  Andy, you had so much talent on that team.  LeSean, DeSean, Michael Vick, Maclin, and some defenders like those cool pro-bowl CB's, and Trent Cole.  I mean Andy how do you fuck up this badly? Oh right, none of the players respect you, thats what it is.  You're allergic to team chemistry the same way you're allergic to dieting plans.  The only thing you can seem to do right is spell your name correctly on contract offers because somehow your back with the Eagles.  I just don't get it.  Sorry cannot help myself, back to the obese thing.  When you type Andy Reid's name into a google search bar the first suggestion you get is literally "Andy Reid walrus".  This image speaks for itself.

Here's one I'd say I'm mildly surprised about.  Norv Turner just signed back with the Chargers.  Okay sure, I get it.   You guys don't want to completely uproot the team, but Norv is not good.  I mean he has been an expert on getting his ass kicked out of the playoffs, but I get a feeling the GM's are sick of that.  I say it's probably time to move on.  Hey Chargers, I remember Rex Ryan saying something about how he would have 3 rings with your team by now.  You should hire him, I mean he is certainly a stand-up guy who follows through on his statements.  Seems like a logical option to me.

And here's one everyone saw coming. Steve Spagnuolu fired by the Rams.  I guess this is what happens when you put up a fucking terrible record and all the sports talk shows have stopped cumming their pants about how great Sam Bradford will be in 2-3 years.  Besides, Bradford doesn't have a party animal life, a frat star, or a savage enough life to be cared about. Actually, nor does he go home to a smokeshow supermodel wife, so it's no wonder the Bradford phase died so quickly.

-Blaine Swaggert

Shoutout to Buckflogger6969 for not giving up after he forgot his account password.  Persistence and dedication.