Top 10 Moments in Sports in 2011

Merry New Year bitches.  I've been out of school for a while hence the scarcity of posts because I can just sit in my bed and watch It's Always Sunny on sidereel all day, and important shit like that.  But Blaine and I figured that we would rock your world with a top 10 checklist of the top moments in sports of 2011. Yea, Blaine managed to find some precious wi-fi amongst the sweet rays in Key Largo to co-write this post.  And we really don't give a fuck if you agree with us or not, so feel free to whine about which ones I pick in the comments section.  Yeah, you like a little abuse, don't you?

10.)  Jim Harbaugh vs. Jim Schwartz:  This shit was just so hilarious man.  Big fucking 6'3" Ex-NFL player Jim Harbaugh jumping around and celebrating like Stevie Johnson out there right in the face of a small quiet jewish man.  Harbaugh looked like he had just won the annual pledge-hazing contest in his fraternity.  You could just imagine when he went over to Schwartz that he said something like "Jim Harbaugh.  Damn glad to BEAT ya, Mr. Schwartz!" before nearly ripping Schwartz's tiny arm out of his socket.

9.) Jerome Simpson A Re-Evaluation: Jerome Simpson appeared to be a washed-up, 8 pounds of marijuana horde-ing, idiotic athlete.  The next thing I know I'm watching Sportscenter, but something is off...I don't see Tim Tebow's virgin name on every slide.  Then the highlight hits me and forever changes my outlook on such fundamental concepts like gravity and physics.  Jerome Simpson's druggie ass flying over a helpless defender. His coach may not have been too happy about, but Jerome, you better make an impact before you get ass raped in the slammer Shawshank Redemption style for the next 8-21 years.

8.)  Matt Leinart Makes His First Start since like 1945:  You could just sense the amount of panties that were being dropped and thrown at their TVs by 18-35 year old women all over the nation in a desperate attempt to show the beautifully crafted QB how much they needed him.  When Leinart strapped on that helmet, he came out ready to play.  He gave it all he had for a quarter and a half and then decided that this whole "Starter" thing was not for him so he crushed his shoulder blade on the ground, and called his secretary (who's probably super hot) and told her to warm up the hot tub for that night because some USC alums were coming over.  He felt empty and purposeless when he didn't have that clipboard in his hands. We will always mourn for the loss of that beautifully crafted zeus-like shoulder here at UTBR, and may the spirit of the quarterback that is Matt Leinart live on forever.

7.) The Year of the Lockout: If we all thought Roger Goodell was a pushover douche during the NFL Lockout, we were all taken back by behavior of that lying chimp bastard David Stern.  So I guess what makes this list is that the Lockouts ended.  I mean if there was no NFL I wouldn't know what to do with myself, and if there was no NBA I wouldn't know what to do after football ends.  So thank god those pussy owners sorta got their shit together.

6.) Kemba Walker finishes his first book... Oh yeah and leads UConn to Natty Champ:  Kemba Walker is a freak athlete, and was the best player in the NCAA last year if you asked me.  In America, a person like this does not need to be intelligent, but it definitely helps.  Kemba, how the fuck are you going to tell everyone that you just read your first book?  Are you serious, man?  I'm pretty sure we all could have inferred that about you, but you dont have to confirm it man!  Derrick Rose hasn't read a sentence that doesn't say "250 million dollar shoe deal" ever in his life, but he doesn't need to go around bragging about that shit.  Come on man, what are you going to tell us next?  That you don't make flash cards to study for history tests? We know, Kemba, just keep it to yourself.

5.) Drew Brees' Record Season:  I dont give a fuck that the league has become a passing first league, what Drew 'Eazy Breezy" Bress did is still remarkable.  I may be so into Tom Brady that I considered asking for Uggs on Christmas, but that doesn't mean I dont respect the accuracy and precision that is Brees.  His record is incredible and great for the league, a little less on field celebration would have been okay though.

4.)  Chiefs beat Packers in the UTBR Super Bowl:  What a special day that was.  Romeo and Kyle took over...  Basically you already know how I feel about this and I'll move on before I head on another rant of misguided homosexual love for the chiefs organization.





3.) Peyton Manning Gets A Bitch Neck Injury And Brady Gets A Haircut: Hopefully you can deduce that this is Swaggert, and maybe if you're really smart you implemented deductive logic to realize that ACL has been writing evens and I've taken the odds.  I digress.  So Peyton Manning got neck surgery! Ha, the only injury I respect in the NFL is ACL injuries and turf toe. The neck isn't even important, trussstttt me, It's a bitch injury.  Also mah boy Brady finally got a fresh cut and has continued to put the team on his back, doe.

2.)  Mavs Crush LBJ's Dreams and Make Bosh Cry Worse than I did After Radio:  The Diiiiiirk!  That was almost like I won the championship because LeBron didn't win it.  When I saw Chris Bosh break down and cry I stayed calm on the outside and said normal things to my friends like "What a pussy!" and other slurs, my heart was doing backflips.  I was in LOVE with the misery being felt by the Miami Heat.  I would get down on one knee and purpose to that moment in time when LeBron was heartbroken.  THAT is how big of a hater I am.

1.) The Creation of UTBR: Suck it fuckers.  The best, and most comical, moment in sports was the pure and inventive creation of this heralded blog.  We may sound a little self entitled, but me and ACL are currently doing lines off of Beyoncé baby bump. Peace, we gotta go catch this party on P-Diddys yacht.


-Blaine Swaggert
-ACl Blues

Go Choke Yourself Kev

Sorry this is very late.

The Knicks are back.  106-104.  Carmelo Beast Mode.  We lost to Boston fucking 8 times in a row.  Thats like being forced to watch Kevin Garnett fuck your girlfriend.  In her mouth.  In your bed.  8 times.  Not anymore though.  The times are a-changing.  Thanks to Celtics GM Danny Ainge the Celtics have passed the torch to NYK and it doesn't look like the little irish guys are getting it back any time soon.  In the past 8 months he has traded away the key to Boston's defensive success, a high-energy big man, a great high-energy backup pointguard, signed such free agent studs as Keyon Dooling and Chris Wilcox, and succeeded in almost totally emotionally isolating the best player on your franchise by threatening to trade him for CP3.  Good fucking work Danny, you must be a diehard Orange and Blue fan! The Knicks were the better team on Christmas and if everything goes right we should be showing them our collective "O" face for years to come.

Let me start off by saying that little alien-looking motherfucker Rondo is awesome.  He is probably the worst shooter in the entire NBA and he had 31 points.  Thats just fucking impressive.  I hate him but he really needs to be considered with CP3 and Deron Williams as an elite-type PG.  He just abused the half-assed group of Point Guards the Knicks had to put on the court without BD, Bibby, and Shumpert for half the game.  This Point Guard thing is going to bother us for a few weeks, and its not going to be pretty at all.  After watching Toney Douglas dribble up and down the court like he had oven mitts on, and Landry Fields (a 6'7" small forward with shit ball skills) bring the ball up the court, I was ready to rip my eye lids off.  After Melo (Our 'Point Forward') went out with 4 fouls in the 3rd we looked like absolute shit.  We looked worse than when fucking Duhon was busy making us the joke of the NBA.

Amar'e also looked good yesterday.  He's moving into more of a Dirk-type role in the offense and I like it while he's still hitting those threes.  But if he starts falling in love with that outside shot that will be the death of our team.  He's a bulldog inside.  Thats his game.  He takes advantage of shitty unathletic power forwards, and just shoves the ball down guys like Anderson Varajeao's throat.  He was straight Amar'e Sodomizing players before the all-star break last year and again in the first round of the playoffs.  He needs to get back to that I think.  If D'Antoni turns him into a perimeter player so help me god I will rip his face off.

How about that punk Garnett huh? What a fucking douchebag.  YOU are supposed to be a veteran and a stand up guy who preaches team values and all that shit.  Bill Walker has never been the NBA's sweetheart, YOU have. Well guess what Kev?  You should be fucking suspended for that shit.  You are ugly as shit.  You probably get laid a whole lot more than me, but a whole lot less than any other 13-time all-star.  You are old as shit.  You suck at basketball now-a-days and you will never win another championship.  Guess what else?  Bill Walker would have kicked your fucking ass.  Bill is a real life thug.  He's not one of those like "NBA thugs" like KG, Bill walker looks like he is actually a member of a gang, and actually commits crimes against society on the day to day.  So Kevin, the next time you want to fight like the 9th man on the Knicks, just think that you're about one bad move away from becoming a tear drop tatted underneath Bill's eye.

And again, One happy, merry fuck you to Boston.  Merry Christmas, enjoy being the Knicks' little helper for the next few years.

-ACL Blues

From Trashy Bay to Trashy Bay

A few nights ago Monday Night Football in San Francisco got delayed like 45 minutes because the transformer in the stadium blew and all the lights went out.  Are you kidding me San Francisco?  You don't think National TV is a big enough reason to call up the electrician to see if everything is in good shape?  My Dad could have went down there in his old 1-piece mechanic suit from when he worked at Chrysler and diagnosed every single mechanical problem in your stadium within 4 fucking hours without one ounce of electronic experience.  That whole thing was a fucking disgrace.  This is why everyone is scared to go to the fucking "Bay Area".  If those lights were off for 2 more minutes I think that stadium would have turned into the Gaza strip.  Every year when the 49ers play the Raiders in preseason there's something like 52 gun arrests, 16 assault charges, and probably upwards of 200 cases of indecent exposure (remember its San Francisco we're dealing with here).

I was willing to forgive Jim Harbaugh for that huge middle finger he gave Schwartz in Detroit because I thought that actually was kind of a boss move by him.  And I kind of like Vernon Davis and Patrick Willis, but other than that does anyone really give a fuck about the San Francisco 49ers?  No.  So when you get a fucking opportunity on national TV don't fuck it up by making the whole nation wait to watch a team that they wouldn't have picked to watch in the first place.

So the name of the post involves two bays and the next is a Green one.  Apparently after the Cheeseheads lost to the Orton-led Kansas City Miracle Makers last week some fucking crazy meth-head Wisconsinite decided that her daughter's throat was the equivalent of one of those little blue stress balls.  Ahhhh THIS is why people have kids.  Because before I saw this article I could not figure it out for the life of me.  Why would my parents want to have me?  All I did until I was 12 was fucking wear Allen Iverson jerseys and wait around for them to feed me, clothe me, and buy every material good that I ever wanted.  Now that I'm older its way different.  Now I'm super independent and stuff so I set up a whole blog by myself,  and until my mom calls me and tells me to come home for the dinner that she made I can be found out spending all my dad's hard earned money on the necessities like beer, pokemon cards, romantic comedies, etc.  But this lady is revolutionizing stress-therapy, whenever something bad happens just Latrell Spreewell your kid!  Rough day at the office? Strangled.  Brake the zipper on your new winter jacket? Strangled.  Didn't get a new Iverson jersey for Christmas even though it was number one on your Christmas list? Strangled.

Anyway, sorry that fucking Tamba Hali was going Casey Anthony on Aaron Rodgers, but that doesn't give you any excuse to do the same you dumb Green Bay piece of trash.  I really fucking hope that I never live in a place named after a bay, man.  With all the riots and child killing going on I think we should just go ahead and sell GB to Canada, or trade the state of Wisconsin for Canadian healthcare and Steve Nash.  I was going to say the Raptors, but you can go ahead and keep Demarr Derozan after all.

Come on Bays, clean that shit up!

-ACL Blues wishing you a merry merry christmas from everyone here at UTBR

Knicks Offseason Update: B. Diddy #85 Swag, Useless Whiteboy Signing

Thank God Toney Douglas and Mike Bibby do not have to play point guard for us in the playoffs.  We got Baron Davis AKA True Warrior AKA Mr. Underdog AKA The Red Baron AKA B. Diddy AKA B.D. AKA The Bodyguard AKA Boom Dizzle.    Sorry Bibby, take a seat man.  You had about as many assists last season as Diddy's got nicknames.  I won't have your racially-ambiguous ass (seriously, are we sure what exactly Bibs' ethnic background is?) taking anymore fucking corner three pointers while Amar'e stands wide open at the top of the key.  Yeah ok that happened one time, in the preseason, but I don't care.  Bibby shot something like 12% in the finals last year against the Mavericks.  I could literally hear Tyson Chandler say "You signed THAT guy? Why would you do that? I didn't even know he was on the Heat last year in the finals" when we signed Bibs the day after Tyse.  Toney D has also really not been cutting it as the Knicks' QB.  He makes about as good decisions with the ball as Donte Stallworth does after a night drinking "at a swanky hotel bar".  He also sort of reminds me of Marbury when he takes 7 seconds off the shot clock to bring the ball up past half-court, then pretends to call a play, takes two dribbles and shoots a 27 foot three-pointer.  Really Toney?  Stick to the undersized shooting guard roll, and go Florida State all over those pussies from Boston!

I know that Melo has moved into the "Point Forward" role.  But that sounds more like the "Melo do everything for our team" role.  That won't win us a championship.  You don't see the patriots hand the ball to Brady and say "Ok Tom, throw the ball to yourself and get us a win".

Baron Davis is so swagged out too.  Forget James Harden, people have been fearing Dizzle's beard forever.  This dude makes Turiaf look like a prepubescent.  He is also going to wear number 85 this year, after the street he grew up on. Woooooow that's sick.  If I could wear "Old Shop Rd." as my number I would definitely do that shit.  What a fucking tribute to his boys back home (I guess mine wouldn't be as cool since I just have two neighbors and they both hate my family because we fucked up the zoning rights in our neighborhood or something).

Ha! I tricked you all! you thought the useless white-boy signing was Mike Bibby.  Boy were you wrong. I do not feel nearly comfortable enough with Bibby's racial background to call him white.  However this dude, Steve Novak, is about as white as they come.  6'10.  No defense.  No rebounding.  But boy can he bury that long range J.  Now everyone is calling him the D'Antoni protoype.  If those are the rules for the D'Antoni prototype I can go down to the YMCA right now and find 6 guys that are perfect fits.  I know nothing about this guy except that he has played in like 20 games his entire career.  I know that he's probably not a good player because when I google him for pictures the top 5 images are pictures of him on 5 different teams.  Not exactly a valuable commodity out there.  Whatever, just a roster filler.

I'm so excited to see those Knicks out there this year.  While everyone else in high school spends the holidays with their girlfriends wearing christmas sweaters and pretending to have fun watching "A Christmas Story" for the 40th time, I'll be wearing my Allan Houston jersey and yelling very distasteful profanities at Kevin Garnett on my TV.  Thank god girls don't find bloggers attractive at all or I may have had to forfeit my sports addiction for sex!

-ACL Blues

Chiefs beat Packers, Suck it Haters

I think that I forgot I had a blog for a while.  I'll start out by listing a few possible excuses for my lack of posts: I have been celebrating the death of Kim Jong-Il,  I have been living such a rock 'n roll lifestyle due to the fact that I'm a world-wide celebrity in the blogosphere, I'm now on the Kansas City Chiefs, I have been doing all of my college applications.  You choose the one that's most realistic.  Anyway, I hope everyone is either enjoying their Christmas breaks or at least blowing off studying for mid-terms in order to read UTBR (looking at you all of my public school friends).

Anyway, this post goes out to all the haters out there.  Everybody that made fun of me all week about Todd Haley and how the badly the Jets beat the tribe last week (How'd the jets play this week?).  Romeo Crennel is a boss.  His brief stint as the head coach in Cleveland would say otherwise, but with the Captain's hat on for the Chiefs he's 1 and fucking 0.  He made sure that Aaron Rodgers is going to be discount double-checking over his shoulder for Tamba "Tambahawk" Hali and Justin Houston for about the next month.

I thought the Packers were supposed to be good.  Didn't they like win the Superbowl last week or something.  I'm pretty sure Goodell already fucking crowned their asses.  According to ESPN this week the only possible team that could beat them was the Denver Virgins.  Well guess what Merrill Hodge?  Guess what Chris Berman?  Guess what Keyshawn?  The fucking Chiefs just beat them.  I have a bigger crush on Romeo Crennel right now than Squints Paladores had on Wendy Peffercorn.  (God damn it thats a good movie.  I hate people that have never seen the Sandlot.  If you haven't seen it, I will allow you this opportunity right now to watch every available youtube scene about the movie in order to be able to participate in a discussion with your friends who are obviously cooler than you because they've seen it).

This brings me to my next point (Don't as me how it does, it just does).  The Savage that is Kyle Orton.  Aaron Rodgers was outplayed by a dude who drank in excess of 4 jack and cokes before the game/at halftime.  My new nickname for Kyle continues on my theme of pretending to know a bunch about fraternity life even though I'm a first semester senior in high school who has absolutely no experience on the topic besides my friends pledge stories and totalfratmove.com: SigmaKyle Orton.  Pretty funny right?  Yeah I thought so too.  Well anyway, this ex-boilermaker was a straight up fucking marksman on Sunday to the tune of 299 yards with 0 INT's.  He even managed to get Leonard Pope like 80 yards!  Leonard Pope absolutely sucks.  If you can get Leonard Pope 80 yards that should immediately at least get you on the ballot for the Hall of Fame.  Anyway, Kyle Orton and Romeo Crennel will be joining MY fraternity of mancrushes this week, alongside Leinart and the Honeybadger.



P.S.  Do you think Haley gets fired if he benches Palko one week earlier against the Jets and lets Orton play with an injured thumb? I don't think so.  Yet another thing we can blame on fucking Palko.  Either way I got all my apps done today so I'm going to be ripping the blog world hard for the rest of... forever.  Ready or not here I come bitches.

-ACL Blues

Sunday Night Football Round Up

Sorry this blog has been as inactive as Oprah Winfrey's cobweb vagina this whole week, but I'm back for a SNF round-up.  Tonight's game features such prized gems as: Ray Rice, Ray Rice's biceps, murdering freak Ray Lewis, complaining bitch Joe Flacco, Anquan "So Strawwwwnnnn" Boldin, Phil "Im a huge let down" Rivers, and the impressive Vincent Jackson.

QB Comparison: 


Joe Flacco: Hey Joe, no one wants to hear you bitch about how the Ravens never get on sportscenter because Tebow is in the way.  Tebow is more interesting than your boring ass Joe.  Sorry.  You are the most average quarterback in the league and it is no fun to watch.

The Rivers Family

Phil Rivers:  Before the season you were predicted to be a potential league MVP. You have played like utter shit.  You have the horrendous throwing motion of Tim Tebow, but you lack his ability to win.  Im pretty sure Vincent Jackson has every single TD you have thrown this season so I don't know what you would do without him, but it's probably about as pretty as your wife...

RB Comparison:


Ray Rice:  Ray, you have the biceps of a Greek God, the legs of a racing horse, and the charm of Drew Brees.  Why the fuck don't you get more snaps a game. Do I agree with you public complaint about not getting enough snaps? Yes.  If I was the Ravens coach you would be playing QB, RB, WR, and getting the rock on every play.

Gotta keep the tradition of putting shirtless dudes on this blog alive

WR Comparison:


Anquan Boldin: So Strawwnnn, doe.  Boldin is the toughest thug in the league.  The man played with a wired jaw and caught a touchdown like a boss.  Does this mean he is an elite reciever? No no, Anquan is fading but is still so damn strong.

Defense Comparison:


Fuck defense, it's boring.  The chargers have no pass rush so Flacco should be able to have a totally average game.  And there is also a rookie CB on V-Jax so he's gonna eat.  Hopefully Ray Rice tears through the Chargers because I love him, so so much.

Ravens win 27-21

-Blaine Swaggert

Tim Tebow Has Mystical Powers And I'm Afraid

Let me paint you a picture: 2:10 left in regulation, Denver Broncos down 10-0.  Hope seems to be lost.  Broncos linebacker Wesley Woodyard (porn name?) is humbled on the sideline.  Tebow comes by  and goes, "Don't worry about a thing, God has spoken to me".  I'm not making this up, here, i'll prove it.  Tebow can literally speak to God...I say flag him.  That's illegal, no one else can speak to God so why should Tebow get to? Sure, he's turned down more poon that any man, anywhere, and has prayer circles on the field after games with the other team, but he isn't allowed to have two mics in his helmet.  Maybe I'm just afraid because Tebow is playing the Patriots Sunday and this game has classic Tebow written all over it.  Brady has thrown 3 frozen ropes all to Gronkowski (who definitely has more TD's than STD's now) to put the Patriots up by 14.  Tebow gets a message from God, "Hey my new adopted son, I promise you will win this game.  And I'm never wrong, because, well, I'm God",  "Thanks Stepdad I'll try to make you proud!" Tebow enters the game, all of sudden its OT.  Tebow wins the coin toss.  Tebow gets the Broncos in field goal range.  Tebow magically summons the ball through the uprights.  Tebow wins the game.  I mean maybe I could mount a comeback against the Patriots FUCKING TERRIBLE PASS DEFENSE, HOLY FUCK IS IT FRUSTRATING TRYING TO WATCH THOSE GODDAMN RETARDS PLAY.  Slater, McCourty, Ihedigbo, Molden; all go fuck yourselves.  McCourty you were so fucking incredible last year you made the Probowl as a rookie, and now your just proving that Sophmore Slump is a real fucking myth. If Mythbusters did a show on the Sophmore Slump, you would single handily fucking confirm it.  I hate you. I savored it when Pat Chung blew your shoulder into little pieces. I wanted to lick up your tears. 

Tim Tebow will light the Patriots secondary up like a christmas tree and will plow through our shitless LB's just like he did in college (Not until the fourth quarter, however).  I'm scared.  I'm so scared. I'm more afraid of the Broncos than I am of the Packers or Saints because there is so much shame, so much misery, in losing.  It is like God hates your football team too. 

-Blaine Swaggert

A Letter to Todd Haley

In case you guys didn't hear the tiny bit of news in between all of the analysts talking about what a will to win Tebow has on ESPN today, Chiefs' Head Coach, and elite badass, Todd Haley was fired today.  I blame the economy.  Here's an open letter to the poor guy.

Dear Todd,

Goodbye Coach.  I do not get why fucking Scott Pioli fired you at all.  Eric Berry, Brandon Siler, Jamaal Charles, Matt Cassel, and Tony Moeaki are all out for the season.  What were you supposed to win the fucking super bowl?  That's like cutting a dude's legs off and telling him if he doesn't win the New York Marathon then he's fired.  Todd, your starting QB was fucking Tyler Palko.  Nobody fucking likes Tyler Palko.  Tyler Palko's dad doesn't like Tyler Palko.  Tyler Palko's wife doesn't like Tyler Palko.  If Tyler Palko had to pick one player to start at QB next week against the Packers there would be 52 names on the piece of paper above himself.  Who the fuck decided your boss was so good at his job?  What the fuck is so good about Glenn Dorsey and Tyson Jackson?  Their 4 combined sacks in 7 combined seasons? Fuck Pioli.

You were the man.  You weren't the best football coach, but you definitely weren't shy about bringing the fucking circus to town on any given sunday.  One of my favorite moves you ever pulled was when you grew out your beard and said you'd cut it when we lost.  Then we lost.  And when I say we lost I mean we got our shit pushed in by winless Miami.  Anyway, you decided that you really didn't give a fuck because you were keeping the beard anyway.  That was awesome.  You just decided you wanted to look like Chuck Norris and that you didn't care what sort of bad karma that came with.



But that wasn't nearly as good as the time you literally almost killed Bobby Wade.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  The chiefs were getting blown out by god knows how many.  Cassel takes a snap and hits wade on a seam literally in the hands like 50 yards down field.  Wade drops it because he's a total fucking clown and the worst receiver I've ever seen.  Then you did EXACTLY what I would have done.  You we're an absolute psycho on his ass and I loved every minute of it.  You looked like you were about one of his eye-rolls away from going straight Patrick Bateman on his ass.

But my absolute favorite thing about you Todd is that you were a fucking rogue, bro.  You didn't give a fuck what standards the modern NFL had set.  you were absolutely happy to go out there with Palko, or Cassel, or Croyle and run trick plays all day.  First play of Kyle Orton's chiefs career: Flea-flicker.  Broken finger.  Probably will never wear the jersey again.  That is fucking hilarious.  Then against New England, we somehow get a 3 point lead and you pull the ol' rogue onside kick where Succop just put the ball on his side and doinked it 12 yards.  Sure Brady got the ball on like our 20 yardline, but we all knew what you were really doing there was just giving the middle finger to Scott Pioli and everyone else watching Monday Night Football that night.  The onside kicks, the flea-flickers, the end arounds, the double reverse passes, the fourth down attempts... You coached in the NFL like I played madden on Rookie mode.

In the words of the Geto Boys, you were a "real gangsta as ni**a", and I will forever respect that shit out of everything you were all about.  Goodbye Todd, I'm sure we'll see you again

Guest Blogger: Bernie Findyourpenis

So my shithead brother had clearly been dying to write a post for this handsome blog, but I knew he was too proud to ask.  He would bring up the idea of him writing a post, hint at how amazing his post would be, but he would never quite ask to write one.  He couldn't let himself admit this whole blog thing was a really good fucking idea.  Well, he headed back to IU to face the harsh realities of being a scared shitless pledge and the horrors of grain alcohol.  It's now been about two weeks since he last discussed the blog with me, and his bitch ass finally cracked.  Here's his heartfelt post. Oh wait, and no matter what any of the (3) commenters say, or anyone says to him in person, I'm absolutely positive he will be bragging to me how incredible this post was. -Blaine Swaggert

I was going to write an introduction but Blaine pretty much nailed it.  I will leave you with this, don't be fooled by this kid's use of shock humor, forced modesty, or super graphic images.  This kids a real asshole.  I've known him for years and he's like one of the cockiest, elitist, most over-competitive, obnoxious dudes out there.  He's also one of my best friends.  I sure know how to pick em.  Enjoy.
-ACL Blues

December 10^th, the night Christian Watford had sex with 24 women

When the time came for yours truly to apply to a place of higher education, I had 3 key criteria: a top a top-10 business school that would accept my extremely average 3.4 beer induced GPA and my above average (but not excellent) test scores, a university that consumes more alcohol per week than 80% of other schools do in an entire year, and a place where students cum in their Vineyard Vines khakis when it comes to basketball. The question that follows; Does Indiana University meet all of my demands???

Does a one-footed duck swim in circles?

Obviously I had my parents buy me the 270-dollar season ticket package before flying to the land of underage drinking and sluts that make your infamous high school tramp named Kendall who got finger banged during lunch period in the bathroom weekly look like Catholic School Girls.

The main point of this poorly written article is not about me; instead, about how I just witnessed a bunch of mostly small white kids who have the stature of Caleb Hanie in his pre-pubescent years, absolutely shove their non-athletic fists deep inside Anthony Davis and Terrance Jones gaped assholes. However, one savage 6’9 man stands above all others. Christian Watford (Note his name on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/christian.watford, sank a deep buzzer beater shot to finish off the Number One Nationally Ranked Kentucky. It is not shocking that Watford was the finisher, because all he does is bust nuts at IU. I have personally witnessed Christian “Savage” Watford enjoying himself four knuckles deep in an absolute typical IU skank on the dance floor of a soccer party in early October. One month later, my friend Drew and I overhear a girl say, and I direct quote, “I heard Jessica got railed by Christian Watford last weekend, what a slut.” The point I’m trying to make is, Christian Watford is a true American hero who slays more than (we don’t use real names on here but it rhymes with Pay Pipton) did at King.

To conclude, none of you are ever going to experience the feelings I felt when I rushed the court...

- Bernie Findyourpenis

NBA Feeding Frenzy, AKA CBA Changed Nothing

Al Thornton signs 5 year 40 million dollar contract.  Grant Hill signs 1 year 6.5 million dollar contract.  Nets offering Nene 4 years 70 million.  Thaddeus Young signs 5 year 42 million dollar contract.  Chuck Hayes signs 4 year 21 million dollar contract.  Caron Butler signs 3 year 24 million dollar contract.  So like I'm not quite sure I follow the NBA here.  Chuck Hayes makes 1 million dollars less than Cam Newton over the next four years.  Caron Butler makes as much over 3 years as Swag Newton makes in 4.  This wedding is horseshit.  This new CBA didn't change shit.  You still have to pay your 9th and 10th man a quadrillion dollars or he won't come back.  Grant Hill is 40 fucking years old.  God damn it Stern you conniving motherfucker.  How much are the Knicks going to have to pay to bring back Shawne Williams? 50 million a year? 60?  What is your angle here man!

However, the Knicks finally did address their need for a center.  I wonder if Dolan read my post on Foster.  Tyson "Bison" Chandler is a dawg.  He's a defensive stopper in the middle and thats exactly what the Knicks need.  This dude is literally the most blue collar player that the Knicks have seen since the says of my ex-favorite player Eric Strickland, who was a straight up Journeyman god.  If Matt Leinart's diet consists strictly of vagina and fourloko then Tyson's diet consists of only salty meats, whiskey, point guards' floaters in the lane, and that gross dark part of fish that nobody likes to eat.  Seriously though, the Knicks now have the best frontcourt in the NBA and its not really that close.  Melo, Amar'e, and Tyse are set to make something like one thousand million dollars in 2011 and I heard that when you pay a bunch of players a lot of money it definitely always works out (Exhibit A: Marbury, Curry, Zach Randolph, and Crawford).

I want to talk about this Chris Paul thing about as much as I want to talk about the Sandusky, Fine, and 16 other pedophile coaches (which we've been so blatantly avoiding), but I love all ten of you that read the blog so I'll talk about it again.  The trade was on, LA sending Pau and Odom to the rockets and the rockets sending like 15 decent players to the big easy.  Stern then decided that he was a pussy and he was going to let James Dolan and a few other owners (probably Dan Gilbert if I had to guess) whine and whine and disallow it.  Then the teams started talking again, and halfway through the meeting Lakers higher-ups realized a key point: Dwight Howard is infinite times better than Chris Paul.  I don't want to hear it.  Dwight Howard is perhaps the most dominating force in the NBA (remember here Palko plays FOOTBALL, so he doesn't qualify to be in the competition).  I think that they'll go that route and I hope they get D12 for the sole fact that the Nets won't and they'll suck for the next 20 years.  Seriosuly, are they trying to bill a guy without a last name as their big catch in free agency? Come one Prokorov, I know you're Russian, but you can't be that dumb man.  Don't they believe in communism or some shit in your country?  Spread that wealth around.  Anthony Morrow is making 7 million next year, I'm sure he wouldn't mind a few dollars more to jack up some contested 3's and give a few more blowjays to Deron Williams.

Now for the Heat.  I fucking hate them.  I won't dodge any questions about it.  I hate them.  I am a fucking hater.  There, happy?  LeBron broke my heart into a million pieces when he didn't come to the apple.  Anyway, I'm like half sure they signed Eddy Curry.  Good signing heat, I hope he pops all the medicine balls in your training facility assholes.  LeBron and D-Wade would probably just yell at Spoelstra's puppet-dictator ass and tell him to clean it up.  Go New York, Go New York Go.

-ACL Blues

A Guest Post: Math Teachers, Handjobs, and American Pastimes

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Cool NHL, We Get It...

Well NHL, if you want the Boston Bruins to win the cup every year why don't you just say it? Say we love the Boston Bruins.  Say we love them so much that we ensured them a playoff birth for the next 100 years.  Just go ahead and put the defending world champions in a conference with the fucking cellar dwellers.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, Yahoo! sports is saying that the NHL has agreed on the new NHL Realignment.  Now realignment normally means to reorganize something, but in this case it actually deals with the insertion of a large dildo into the anus of the New York Rangers.  The Blueshirts will now be playing in a division of 7 teams, in the same division of New Jersey, Carolina, Pittsburgh, Washington, and Philadelphia.  (Yeah I know that's only 6 but my english teacher told me only to include evidence that proves my thesis and saying that the Rangers will still be playing the Islanders six times a year does about the opposite of that.)  Are you fucking kidding me NHL? Fuck you.  This is why you can't get any games on fucking ESPN, because you pull stunts like this.  Why do you hate the Rangers so much?  Because Tortorella verbally assaults your media on the daily?  Yeah Ok, I guess thats sort of a fair point.

So while the Bruins will be playing a combined 30 games against Buffalo, Florida, Montreal, Ottawa, and Toronto the Rangers will just be grinding and gritting it out as usual.  While the Bruins will continue to scout and draft European players like Lucic that are greasier than the BP Oil Spill, the Rangers will keep it close to home taking fucking Hardhat Lunchpail dude like the classically handsome Brandon Dubinsky (who apparently was banging one of the Cheetah Girls?), Ryan Callahan, Brian Boyle, Ryan McDonagh, etc.  So you know what Boston, keep your easy schedule.  While your at it, keep your Milans, Zdenos, Patrices, and Aviciis.  We'll take our hockey players from places that we can pronounce. The rangers colors are red, white, and blue for a reason.

Whatever, the rangers will just keep winning.  That's what they've been doing all season.  that's what they'll keep doing for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, a big old fashioned American fuck you goes out to Boston sports, and the NHL higher-ups!  I hope that musket fire from Gillette Stadium hits you all in the fucking face.

-ACL Blues

Broke Ma Fucking Leg, Doe

This is why they say we run one of the most best blogs in blogger history.  Look at this shit, Blaine Swaggert blogging this shit, prolly last blog post of the day doe. But dawg, earlier doe, I broke my fuckin leg.  How I'm I blogging with a broken leg? Look at this blogger holding this shit doe.  Dawg, I put the blog on my back.  Lets go in a mind of a Blaine Swaggert  --- Dawg, I can blog dis shit.  I put the blog on my fucking back doe.  I broke my leg, I dont know how the fuck I blogging now.  I do this shit, for Blogger.  Oh, shit!  Buckflogger6969, one of the most hardest hitting commenters in da leagueee. But, I put the team on my back doe.  Fuck it.  You cant stop me.  Cross the plane, 100 blog views. -Blaaiinee Swaggert.

In case you have zero experience on this great new thing called Youtube, here you go. Also, in all seriousness, I did break my fibula. Since I'm injured, I thought I would do an NFL Injury Report on a few of the studs.


Matt Forte: Grade 2 MCL Sprain

Still injured.  And this is sad because Matt Forte had been tearing the NFL apart recently, showing versatility on the ground and on the receiving end.

Darren McFadden: Foot Issues

Also still injured, and also  great RB who is sidelined.  According to NFL.com he should return come week 15.  However, with Michael Bush playing so well, when they both return their fantasy value will be lowered.

Andre Johnson: He's so damn good, but his hamstrings appear to be made of glass.  Apparently he is "day-to-day".

Matt Leinart: He remains in UTBR's prayers.

-Blaine Swaggert

Blaine Gabbert Has the Game of The Century

Just watched the Sportscenter highlights (I'm officially an expert now) of mahh duddee, Blaine Gabbert, playing against the Chargers Monday night.  What a game.  2 TD's, only one interception, 195 yards, and a mind-blowing 19/33 completed passes.  I know what you're saying, "This has to be the best individual performance of the century", and your probably right.  I mean, if I was to draw a comparison, the Varsity Basketball game I just played in would be perfect.  My stats were, brace yourself: 9 seconds of PT, 1 offensive rebound, 0-2 free-throw shooting.  You heard me right, I averaged an offensive rebound every 9 seconds.  I'm no scientist but that is probably a world record.  The reason Swaggert is such a fitting name for me is because me and Blaine are both stat hounds.  We just go out there and fill that stat sheet up. Blaine gets an almost unheard of two passing TD's, and I lead the FAA in O Rebs per second.  A remarkable week for both of us.

Okay, I've talked enough about my immaculate basketball performance and not enough about pro sports.


My Defense of Blaine Gabbert:

If Cam Newton was tossed onto a field that has less offensive talent than the Cleveland Cavaliers, a head coach getting fired, and O-line that has more holes than swiss cheese, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be putting up any really cool and impressive numbers.  I mean it's not like the Panthers went 2-14 or anything last year...



-Blaine Swaggert

Knicks Offseason Update: CP3?... More Like JF10.

Sorry For the Mofuckin' Wait on this post bros:

Last week Yahoo! sports reported that Chris Paul had told his agent that he wanted to be traded to the knicks (Lets Go).  ESPN then later reported that these reports were false.  Either way, this is good news.  CP3 is a fucking star.  He's a Dwayne Wade-type, Melo-type, Leinart-type star.  He pretty much leads the league in steals every year (that doesn't necessarily mean a guy plays defense but in his case it does), and I don't even need to check the stats to know that the Knicks were last in points allowed last year.  Walt Frazier described it best when he said that the Knicks were playing a "swiss cheese zone" for about half... three quarters... the whole year.  D'Antoni thinks the best defense is a system where 6-9" weed smokin' Shawne Williams guards Dwight Howard and Fields guards everyone else.  But hey, when we lost games 130-128 the main problem was the ball rotation, and the fact that we didn't take enough three pointers.  The best defense is an offense that shoots 35 threes per game I always say.

However, how do we intend to acquire this Point God?  Would a package of Toney D, Shumpy, and Landry do it?  No.  It would not.  How about a package of Toney Douglas, Shumpert, Landry Fields, Billups, Roger Mason Jr., Rautins, Shawne Williams, first round picks from now until the rapture, Madison Square Garden, our two NBA Championship trophies, Walt Frazier (announcer version), Walt Frazier (player version), and the relocation of Under the Bleacher Report to New Orleans?  Then we may have a deal.  Seriously though, the Knicks will not have CP3 until 2012 (and even then he'd have to take HUGE money sacrifices to come to the apple), so please everybody shut the fuck up about it until then.  Lets play this season and see how everything looks and then we'll start the whining.  I cannot deal with the ups and downs of another Melodrama like last year.  We can, however, root for him to come here so we can get some more classy pictures that say: "We make a lot of money, but we also wear sunglasses and throw up fake gang signs indoors like those douche bag kids from New Jersey High Schools":

In addition, the Knicks refuse to acknowledge their need for an actual center and apparently have been interested in such hot free agents such as... JEFF FOSTER!  Do you like developmentally challenged 6'11 douche bags that can get you 17 minutes, 0 points, 3 rebounds, and foul out? Then Jeff Foster is your guy.  He's like a less athletic, less skilled, doofier, whiter version of our own drool-cup wielding center Jared Jeffries.  Also, Foster shot 56% from the line last year.  That's terrible.  White people have three constants in the game of basketball.  We grab offensive rebounds, we do not dunk, and we make our fucking free throws.  This dude is an exception to the rule.  Furthermore...well, I was going to make fun of some of his accolades but he has none.  Excluding his prestigious Second Team All Southland Conference during his ol' playin' days at Southwest Texas State, there's nothing to really commend him on or make fun of him about.  This dude's like the the puppy in the store that got rescued after it got hit by a car.  Its got 3 legs and you don't really want to bring it home because it can't play at all and is more of a hassle than it is a pet, but you have to stop and look at it for a minute.  Hopefully that's all the Knicks are doing with Foster.

-ACL Blues