A Letter to Todd Haley

In case you guys didn't hear the tiny bit of news in between all of the analysts talking about what a will to win Tebow has on ESPN today, Chiefs' Head Coach, and elite badass, Todd Haley was fired today.  I blame the economy.  Here's an open letter to the poor guy.

Dear Todd,

Goodbye Coach.  I do not get why fucking Scott Pioli fired you at all.  Eric Berry, Brandon Siler, Jamaal Charles, Matt Cassel, and Tony Moeaki are all out for the season.  What were you supposed to win the fucking super bowl?  That's like cutting a dude's legs off and telling him if he doesn't win the New York Marathon then he's fired.  Todd, your starting QB was fucking Tyler Palko.  Nobody fucking likes Tyler Palko.  Tyler Palko's dad doesn't like Tyler Palko.  Tyler Palko's wife doesn't like Tyler Palko.  If Tyler Palko had to pick one player to start at QB next week against the Packers there would be 52 names on the piece of paper above himself.  Who the fuck decided your boss was so good at his job?  What the fuck is so good about Glenn Dorsey and Tyson Jackson?  Their 4 combined sacks in 7 combined seasons? Fuck Pioli.

You were the man.  You weren't the best football coach, but you definitely weren't shy about bringing the fucking circus to town on any given sunday.  One of my favorite moves you ever pulled was when you grew out your beard and said you'd cut it when we lost.  Then we lost.  And when I say we lost I mean we got our shit pushed in by winless Miami.  Anyway, you decided that you really didn't give a fuck because you were keeping the beard anyway.  That was awesome.  You just decided you wanted to look like Chuck Norris and that you didn't care what sort of bad karma that came with.



But that wasn't nearly as good as the time you literally almost killed Bobby Wade.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  The chiefs were getting blown out by god knows how many.  Cassel takes a snap and hits wade on a seam literally in the hands like 50 yards down field.  Wade drops it because he's a total fucking clown and the worst receiver I've ever seen.  Then you did EXACTLY what I would have done.  You we're an absolute psycho on his ass and I loved every minute of it.  You looked like you were about one of his eye-rolls away from going straight Patrick Bateman on his ass.

But my absolute favorite thing about you Todd is that you were a fucking rogue, bro.  You didn't give a fuck what standards the modern NFL had set.  you were absolutely happy to go out there with Palko, or Cassel, or Croyle and run trick plays all day.  First play of Kyle Orton's chiefs career: Flea-flicker.  Broken finger.  Probably will never wear the jersey again.  That is fucking hilarious.  Then against New England, we somehow get a 3 point lead and you pull the ol' rogue onside kick where Succop just put the ball on his side and doinked it 12 yards.  Sure Brady got the ball on like our 20 yardline, but we all knew what you were really doing there was just giving the middle finger to Scott Pioli and everyone else watching Monday Night Football that night.  The onside kicks, the flea-flickers, the end arounds, the double reverse passes, the fourth down attempts... You coached in the NFL like I played madden on Rookie mode.

In the words of the Geto Boys, you were a "real gangsta as ni**a", and I will forever respect that shit out of everything you were all about.  Goodbye Todd, I'm sure we'll see you again