So me and Blainey Swagswag have this friend who's just a ruthless savage. He recently took his talents to Miami University (No not U, the other one in Ohio) where it seems he's continued his trend of animalistic behavior with some less-than-desirable sexual encounters sprinkled in. Anyway, without further adue (is that how you spell it, fuck it thats not even a real American word) here's the kid uncensored, unedited, and uncut. (Intro made by your boy, ACL Blues)
How being an ass man helped my intramural basketball career, an informative study, by
Eli Ramming.
I’m an ass man, not a tits man, but an ass man and when I’m not taking a shit, playing diamonds on my iphone while simultaneously passing insurmountable amounts of filtered alcohol through my bowels, well, I’m thinking about asses. I’m not the dude who marvels at the size of the ass as much as the shape and symmetry of the overall bum. A smooth transition beginning with the always-necessary lower back dimples pouring into the mounding orbs that fall into the upper thigh, a spectacle of spectacles if nature and good genetics permit.
When presented with such a rear the worst thing to do is to feel intimidated, instead a line that’ll flex any cheek, “All those curves, and me with no breaks.” Once the line is dropped you’ll be propelled in the wildest, thrust-happy night of your life, unless you’re drunk, there are no emotions when you’re drunk, just a stone-faced, plowing machine.
So what the shit does this obsession with asses have to do with athletics or athletics performance? Well I recently signed up for an intramural basketball team at my university, competitive league because I aint a bitch. I noticed my first game I was putting up Tre Black type numbers, play far more higher than my white, Jewish basketball ability would previously allow. 20 points, 2 steals, 2 blocks, 4 apples my first game, similar numbers the second and third, what the fuck? This spike in ability had to derive from somewhere. That weekend I went out, got plastered and brought back a 7 maybe 8, kicked my roommate out, and things got interesting. I sat by my desk, popped open my lap top and played the song “Wicked Games” by The Weekend. Flicking my chin up in the air and plumping my lips I told this chick, “Let me see that ass” as she with what remaining coordination she had in her pulled down her skirt revealing my prize, a great ass, and it only cost me 3 shots. It all made sense now, this information coming at me like a spidey sense, my basketball ability was attested to my recent obsession with asses. I had carried out this act of seduction 3 weekends in a row, all demanding that I see their asses and for all three times I scored a shit-load of buckets. I must have sucked in high school because I would jump right into the plowing but in college it’s about the pageantry of it, and with every great pageant, comes a great ass. Now that I was tapped into the source of my basketball abilities it was asses all week. Asses in classes, asses on the internet, asses in the dining hall, asses on asses on asses. Asses pay dividends. So if your going out for the team, keep your head up, your eyes low and don’t be afraid to swing the bat.
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