Matt Leinart: The Keys to the Kingdom

The associated press reports that the Houston Texans have named Matt Leinart their starter indefinitely in the wake of the season-ending injury to Matt Schaub.  This is like the best day of my life since Holly Parker asked me out on AOL 6.0 in 6th grade (and that was a pretty good fucking day).  There is no bigger Leinart fan in NFL history than yours truly.  Sure he’s averaged 6.5 yards per completion with 11 fumbles, 20 interceptions, and only 14 Touchdown passes in his 6 NFL seasons.  I know that all 4 people reading this think he sucks.  Well yeah, maybe you’re right.  Actually, no you’re definitely right.  Who cares?  This USC prodigy may have an allergy to winning and to delivering catchable balls to his receivers.  But, I’ll tell you what he’s not allergic to: partying and being the only backup quarterback ever to be able to claim he’s a sex symbol.

            This brings me to my next point.  While inferior analysts like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay have struggled to discover what the real problems are with his lack of efficiency I have figured it out in about 30 seconds.  No Mel, it’s not his release or his footwork.  Sorry Todd, not even the fact that he stares down his primary receiver for 30 seconds is his problem.  The problem is far more complex and intricate than those.  The problem lies in the fact that Matt Leinart just wants to party.  That’s it. He wants to continue to ram plastic hoses down USC swampdonkeys’ throats and pour enough Cranberry-Lemonade 4LoKo that it will already be making its way through their liver by the time they realize its not beer.   Can you blame him? I sure can’t. 

            Also, what a dumb decision to pick him in Arizona.  You know how hard it is for your body to metabolize alcohol when its 150 degrees outside?  Neither do I but its probably hard, and his body probably had to do it every day.  Anyway, Cheers to Matt Leinart.  Sure the Texans one-and-a-half-game lead in the AFC South is as good as gone, and sure Jacoby Jones and Andre Johnson will probably ask for a trade during the bye week, but Matt, you will always have a special place in my heart (as well as in the facebook photo albums of many future trophy wives).

-ACL Blues