Guest Blogger Bourbon Meyer: He's my Older, Less Goodlooking Brother

My brother is recently home from college.  I know what you're saying: ACL Blues is the only top-tier journalist that I ever want to read for the rest of my entire life.  Believe me, it's not the first time I've heard that.  He wrote a post with about 5 people on the Guest Blogger wait-list and we're using straight nepotism to expedite his post that has nothing to do with sports to the top.  Anyway, yeah you can probably tell through his writing style that he's not as good-looking, well-spoken, athletic, smart, or kind as I am.  Also, it probably becomes evident that he's not nearly as good at arts and crafts, cooking, household duties, driving, or playing instruments.  But hey, give him a shot, he invented the use of nacho-cheese-flavored-doritos in nachos, so you know he's not a complete idiot.  Here's my brother (And I'm just so proud of him!), Bourbon Meyer just in time for Thanksgiving (Intro by yaaaa boyyy):

The fourth Thursday in November marks one of my favorite holidays of the year. Obviously it doesn’t hold a candle to Christmas (because of the presents) and can’t hack it with Halloween (because of the sluttiness). But regardless, Turkey Day is a pretty mother fucking important holiday. I’m not exactly sure of the origin of celebration but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with Christopher Columbus throwing a P. Diddy style yacht party on the Santa Maria to let the Indians know that Europeans were here and they were fucking ready to party. Either way, Thanksgiving is a great time to go home from school, take a break from the daily alcohol grind and focus on the truly important things in life: appreciating what we have, spending time with your family, and mentally preparing for the finals that await you back at your respective institutions of higher learning. Just jerking your chains. I may do some shit with my family and play with my dogs. Hell, I may even take a minute or two to reflect on how much I don’t fucking want to graduate college and do real people things like get a mortgage, apply for a job, and start taking baby aspirin to prevent heart attacks, but none of these things will keep me from my ultimate goal of getting absolutely shit-housed with my high school buddies.

Thanksgiving vacation provides a unique opportunity for the college going population (community college doesn’t fucking count). If you’re like me you’ve got a solid group of friends at school and at home (I’ve got like 6 friends at school and an additional 3 and a half at home). The interests of these groups may differ slightly, but if you are at all cool then both your home friends and school friends enjoy a bit of good ol’ fashioned American binge drinking. You’ve been away from your friends for a few months working on your chug mechanics and beer monstering form and you want to put on a performance like you’re John Daly at the god damned Natural Ice Open. That being said, it is important to remember that you don’t want to come off as a hardo (yeah that means hard on for all you ignant bitches). Don’t be the kid who had his first Milly Lite senior year of high school, joined a third tear frat at Tufts University, and now claims that he can drink more beers than Wade Boggs on a transcontinental flight (Ba-ZIINGGGG, sorry about that last one, I got fucking nothing). Anyway, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is supposed to be the biggest drinking day of the year and I’m not gonna be the one who stays home jerking off, playing fucking Call of Duty while all of my friends detonate cans of grape Joose and vomit in their ex-girlfriends’ purses.

The best part of going out the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is that you have the best possible day ahead of you. Sure you may have to wake up before noon to drive to aunt Loraine and uncle Theodore’s house for dinner, but once you get there, you know that all you will be required to do is veg out on he couch and destroy heart-attack-inducing amounts of gravy-drenched turkey and stuffing. Now let me preface the advice I am about to give you by saying that I do not condone nor do I use any form of illegal drug, but from what I’ve heard, indulgence in a certain controversial, leafy, and aromatic substance does wonders for any proper thanksgiving festival. Not only does a quick wake and bake prime you for a day of savage calorie consumption but from what I’ve heard from my substance-abusing friends, ingestion of the devils lettuce eradicates even the harshest of hangovers.

So in terms of thanksgiving break I advise you to live it up, slurp it down, and roll up a nice white and spicy to enjoy behind aunt Sarah’s garage in between football games.