Minnesota Wild Sign 51-Year-Old Backup Tendy

Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving, but since I'm not sure anyone even reads this I'll drop the formalities and get to the hilarious story of the aforementioned senior citizen goalie.

On Wednesday Night a 51-year-old Men's League Goaltender planned on either playing in his men's hockey league game predictably at some shitty Minnesota Community Center, or attending the Wild vs. Predators game to which he had tickets to.  His plans changed when Wild Head Coach Mike Yeo called the man to tell him that he would be needed to serve as the emergency backup to Josh Harding, as Nicklas Backstrom was declared out for personal reasons, and their AHL tender, Matt Hackett, was not due in from Houston until after the game had ended.  The reason why I have refrained from using the goalie's name for so long is because its so funny.  This post literally just writes itself when you hear these details. 


But, on another note, really NHL? How the fuck does that happen.  The article says that this dude didn't even start playing goalie until he was 37.  37 fucking years old.  How the fuck did the Wild even hear about him?  Through word-of-mouth from his Men's Hockey League?  If that was true there's no way I wouldn't have been brought up to the Knicks yet for my Rec Basketball League Prowess.  Is it because he's like best friends with the GM?  Is it because he banged one of the predators' wives and it would be funny to have him suit up and piss the dude off?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Maybe its because I hardly even skimmed that article, maybe it explains, but I'm not going to read it, you can if you want.  


Anyway, can you imagine how much this old dude bragged to his boys when he got called.  "Oh yeah I'd love to play tonight, Theodore (old person's name) but I can't, the Wild just called and they said they've been unhappy with their goalie play so, naturally, they told me to suit up."  That's fucking outrageous.  If I were him I would have been the cockiest asshole in the world for months.  He "runs a screen printing and embroidery store in a St. Paul suburb".  If you think I'm coming into work for the rest of... ever then you're sadly, sadly mistaken.  Or if I did, it would be simply to produce a million flyers and pillowcases that read "Fuck Everyone Else, I'm a Fucking Professional Athlete, Bitch" (Note all the caps).  I would have divorced my old ass wife, presumably named either Gertrude or Agnes, and went on a 3-4 month drug-doing, binge-drinking, bar-hitting, younger-woman-slaying bender that would have rivaled Charlie Sheen and Josh Hamilton.  Seriously though, it would have been like I had won the god damn Stanley Cup, Lombardi Trophy, World Series, and NBA Championship all in the same night when I got that call.  Call the strippers and the coke dealers, because its game over.


I would have acted like a dick.  Like an asshole.  Like a.... Douchebag!


The guys name is Paul Deutsch.  Your welcome for leaving that joke until the end.



-ACL Blues